The Adventures of Sarcasta-Mom

The Music in my Head, the Dance in My Limbs

2011-04-20T10:40:00.001-07:00

The 9-5, the days that repeat, are a line dance. Each step is predictable, a veritable march towards the next careful half turn. Comfort in knowing exactly what comes next. Half asleep and apathetic is fine as long as you know when to turn to the left

Small ballets slip in. They are moments, fluid and beautiful, that take you by surprise. Sometimes the tears come, and the breath catches. We are held, and sometimes it's painful, the sadness, the beauty, crystalized into razor sharp shards.

R&B/Rap throbs, is heat and rhythm. Physical, primal, hands and sweat. Sex with a sting. Pride, and anger, and showing the world that your the hardest, the basest, the meanest.

Seduction slides along a Latin beat. The steps are known- the rules there, but unspoken. Gazes lock and the world falls away. A slow burn, a buzz born in the hips, building, smoking, slithering. Passion carefully leashed, exploding on cue.

An industrial beat clutches my heart, skewing the rhythm; coursing adrenaline and anxiety build. Talons shred my grey matter with each off kilter beat, too fast, breaking all the rules. It's a cat 'o nine, licking your back, each painful lash driving you forward in a frenzy of total madness. It's tearing my hair out, letting go, ideas beating against my skull, choking me with the need for their release

Depression is a modern dance. It's jangled, tangled and painful. The music is pieces that have been injected into a blender, and spewed out in a confused slurry of sound. There's falling, stuttering, disjointed movement. The body bends at impossible angles, trying to keep pace with sounds that make no sense.

There are moments so pure their are Broadway- clean, loud and obvious. Country moments reach out to God for comfort and strength. Jazz moments skip along and slide smoothly when called for.

A dance step. A syncopated beat. A flutter of life.

Back on the Horse

2011-04-06T05:47:00.001-07:00

Life takes us in seriously strange directions sometimes. Looking at my last blog post (Ridiculously long ago) it struck my as funny at how many things had changed since then, how I had changed.

One of the biggest things that occurred in this time, was a giant upheaval in my battle with depression. While its hard for me to admit out loud, I've always struggled with depression, and now, more than ever, I realize just how important it is to talk about that openly and honestly.

This past spring, things came crashing down around me in a big way. My health was in trouble, and I had to leave my job. Debilitating depression swallowed me whole. I was mentally comatose, frozen in my helplessness, sinking into darkness.

With the help of my family, in large part my mother, and the aid of new medication, I was finally able to claw my way back to a semblance of life. I sucked it up and made a go of doing my jewelry full time- and it worked! Through my daughter, I rediscovered my passionate love of horses. I lived in the sun, and had one of the best summers of my life.

And now, during the slow season for jewelry, I've taken and office job through a temp agency and am catching up on winter bills. While being back in an office is a struggle for me, I can now look ahead to the sun, and not let it bring me to such a dark place. There is hope, there is faith, and for once, there is the promise of light.

Bad, Bad, Bad....

2009-10-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

So, I've been bad. Bad, bad- the world's worse blogger.

Sometimes life just moves to fast to distill it on a blog page. Sometimes it's just so slow that there don't seem to be any gems to share. And sometimes....well..... I'm just plain tired......

Since I last touched base with the blogging world, I've gotten a new job. After almost two months of searching, I'm working in a warehouse running auto parts. It's hard. It's dirty. I have bruises, scratches, and pain everyday. I've also lost almost 20lbs now. There aren't many things that are too great about it, except for the fact that I get to work with one of my best friends, and I have a steady paycheck again.

On the kids front, well, G has decided that school is boring, but is doing well in all of his classes. He got shot over the eye by a neighbor's pellet gun. He's loving Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and working on writing his own book with a friend. The same one who shot him in the face.

K is not doing do hot in school this year. According to her teacher, she's been having a much better time socializing with her friends than doing any actual work. We're having a parent teacher conference on Tuesday, and I'm not looking forward to it. She's far to smart to be acting like a dumb ass......

GH is working a new job as well and is enjoying it. Good for him.

The dogs are fabulous. You can always visit them at www.chihuahuapages.blogspot.com

I promise to be here more often......

And Life Goes On

2009-07-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it has officially just passed a month since I've been out of work.

This month has taught me a lot of things. For instance, being a full time mom is hard work- and I love it. I think I may even be getting good at it. I've even "adopted" a few kids in the neighborhood to take with us on our various day trips. These kids have told me I'm a cool mom, and those words have meant more to me than any praise I've ever received at any job.

I've also learned how to live on virtually no money. This is a lot of work as well. During the week I've been taking the kids to the free lunch program they do through the school system. At first, I was a little embarrassed to go, but frankly, we need it, and the kids love it. The people there are really nice and have never made me feel ashamed. Through that program we even learned of a free monthly community dinner that we went to the other night. I've learned to swallow my pride along with my food.

In order to make money, I've held a yard sale, done some dog sitting, and sold as much of jewelry as I can. I squeeze pennies 'till they cry. And even now, amongst the stress of having no money, I feel better than I have in a long time. I'm finding myself again, and feeling good. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and focused on the things I love.

I still have decisions to make about my life as I continue to apply for jobs. If I can make it work, I'd love to find a way to stay at home. If not, I'll take another job and not allow it to eat me from the inside again. In the meantime, I have craft shows I'm registered for, kids to entertain, dogs to play with, and, well, life to live....

360

2009-06-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

Once again, I vanished from the blogging world to deal with life issues. I was so mentally ill due to harassment I was receiving at work that I could barely function, let alone blog.

I'm happy to report however, that thanks to my doctor, my counselor, and the support of my family, I found the strength to leave that toxic environment and take back control of my life. Even after a few days I'm already feeling more like myself than I have in a long time.

It was impossibly hard to make the decision to leave my job. After all, I'm the main financial support of our family, and in this economy, it's harder than ever to find a job. But I had to. I was suffering, and in turn, my family was suffering.

And now it's all about getting back to things I enjoy, and that includes blogging. I know I'm going to have to work hard to reestablish all of my bloggy relationships, but I look forward to getting to know you all again :)

It's All Relative

2009-05-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Lately G has been really interested in the Bible and going to church. Even though my husband and I don't have an active faith, we both agreed we would never deter the kids from exploring religion. Unfortunately, G asks a lot of really technical questions about God and what not that I just don't know how to answer. I told him the next time he saw GH's grandma, he should ask her about it, as she's an avid, but not fanatical, church goer.

When GH's grandma came up for a visit a few weeks ago, they talked a lot about the Bible. While we were driving to the beach, grandma began telling G the story of Moses. At one point she told G that Moses' mother taught him all about the faith and the history of the Israelites.

G thought about this for a moment.

"I bet she didn't have to tell him a lot of things. There wasn't a lot of history way back then."

Leave it to G to glean this piece of information from the story of Moses.

Back

2009-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

So, a week or so ago I decided to take down this blog. Things have just been so stressful lately, that I felt I no longer had anything worthwhile to share. I figured my little blog wouldn't be missed.

But surprisingly, things have happened this past week that really made me want to write a post here. And you know what? Hell with it! So waht if I'm not as witty or entertaining as other bloggers? Who cares if sometimes I'm a total bummer? This is my blog damn it, my outlet. So there.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, here's what is currently stressing me out:

1.) Our basement has been flooded with sewage, along with the apartment building next door that's connected to the same sewer line. The carpet, and furniture in our basement guest room is soaked in sewage and causing our house to reek of mildew and plague me with nightmares of eColi. The landlord is doing what they can, but it's just not enough, or fast enough for my peace of mind. Last night GH and I were on our hands and knees in the basement removing sewage soaked carpet for the rent reduction our landlords have promised. The verdict? I do not look good in disposable coveralls and rubber gloves. Go figure.

2.) Work has been a challenge lately. I'm feeling a bit burnt out, and having fantasies of starting my own dog grooming business. Nothing unusual there. If only I could hurry up and win the lottery already.

3.) The kids have been stir crazy from a long winter, and are expressing it by generally irritating the crap out of each other. I'm so glad it's finally nice enough to send them outside.

4.) Owning our first house seems so close and yet so far. I've done all things that are humanly possible to fix our credit, and now it's just a waiting game for the scores to go up. I'm terribly impatient. I want to be in a new house NOW! The waiting without being able to do anything is just killing me.

And of course the others. Money. Not sleeping well. The upcoming craft fairs I'm not prepared for. Figuring out what to do with my life. So, as I muck through it, I will continue to post here. It's much better than strangling friends and family.....

Lame at Life

2009-04-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting and waiting to post something interesting, funny, quirky..... waiting, and waiting. Apparently my life is pretty lame of late, with nothing even remotely interesting to report.

On the plus side, after paying off my collection accounts in February, my credit is finally starting to turn around, and it looks like we'll be able to start looking into a house this Fall at the latest. Yeah! I'm meeting with a mortgage company today to see what I can do to my credit up as fast as possible. In the meantime, I've been drooling over house available for a few more months.

I'm still employed, and every time I hear about someone losing their job, I say a little "thank you" to the Universe for making sure I still have one. Let's please keep that up Universe.

Worry Wart

2009-03-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

I've always been a worry wart. This in turn, has made me into a planner, so that I could try to combat all of the worries I could possibly foresee. My planning skills make my husband mental, but keep me feeling as secure as possible.

These days the worries are all the more intense- from worrying about keeping my job in this ever sinking economy, to worrying about something happening to my kids, to worrying that I'll never be able to own a home with the credit market the way it is. Worries, worries, worries, everywhere you turn.

Aside from rabid planning, worry often turns in to anxiety. Lately when small things begin to snowball in my stressed out brain, the anxiety builds until my skin becomes hot an itchy and my insides feels like their going to turn inside out. The anxiety hovers on the edge of my consciousness, always ready to strike, to put me in a strangle hold of fear and tension.
It breaks up my concentration, and leaves me out of focus and irritable.

Though I've been trying different ways to help me through the anxiety attacks, I think I'll always be a worrier at my core. But, it's not always a bad thing. Worrying over bills keeps me on top of our finances. Worrying about the kids keeps me a vigilant parent. Worrying about loosing my job makes me work harder in order to keep it.

So here's to my worry, and to all of the other worriers out there as we try to muddle through the best we can...

You Know You're a Lame Ass When........

2009-03-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

- New area rugs are the highlight of your month

- Invited to go out for drinks at one of the hippest places in town, with some of the coolest women you know, you decline in favor of crawling into your pj's and cuddling with your dogs while watching the latest episode of Dollhouse

- When you find yourself looking forward to taking your daughter to see the Hannah Montana movie, because it will an exciting night out on the town

- The last place you went out to eat ended with the word "buffet" or featured people in costumes
-"Sleeping In" is anything past 6 a.m.

WTF Snow!?!

2009-03-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

We've had some good times together, right? You had the grace not to rain on my wedding, and have given us some lovely summers at the beach. The winters, I deal with- I know that's my burden to bear for choosing to live in Maine. So in the winter months, I clench my jaw, wake up an hour early, and go shovel out the damn driveway so I can inch my way to work. I accept that.
But seriously? I'm done. Why is it you keep choosing to dump mind boggling piles of snow on me on Sunday nights? Do you not think my Monday mornings are quite joyous enough? Do you snicker while I swear out in the driveway, coffee-less, and falling on my rear in the snow just so I can start my week off wet, cold and generally pissed off? And seriously, do you really have to do this in March, while I'm carrying the emergency work pager, so every single person I work with can call me at the butt-crack of dawn and tell me they're not coming in to work? Seriously?!
So now I will humbly grovel for your mercy. Please, no more. One more shovel full of snow on a Monday morning, and I may go postal......

Yours Truly,

Sarcasta-Mom

Back to Reality

2009-02-25T09:13:00.001-08:00

The kids are back from Vermont and back to school. I'm back to work and being a mom. The transition has been rough for us all. The kids miss skiing, being spoiled rotten by their grandparents, and having all of their favorite cousins to play with. I miss sleeping in, eating when I felt like it, a house that stayed clean, and the calm quiet.

Now the house ripples with fighting children, and small messes seep from every corner. We're all exhausted from re-entry into the real world. Who knew one week could get us all out of whack.

So, now we all struggle to adjust and dream of those vacation days just so recently gone by. It was a great break for all of us. I think every family needs one of those now and again...

So Far.....

2009-02-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

....so very good. My dad came and picked the kids up on Friday night, and GH and I have been trying to sneak in as many moments of extra sleep, grown up shows on the living room television, and mouthfuls of fresh steamed spinach as we can cram in.

The water pump on my car went this past week, causing me to spend all of our vacation money on getting my car back on the road. We had planned a nice dinner out at our favorite restaurant, and I was really looking forward to going shopping for some new pants. Instead, we bought some nice groceries, rented a few movies, and I'll make myself content in my old faded pants.

But I can't complain. For V-Day we made toasted sandwiches, tomato salad and excellent alcoholic beverages. And then we went to bed early. Because we good. I know it sounds lame to revel in going to bed early, but such is my life- and I'm loving it.

The kids are having a blast with their cousins in Vermont, and I know we'll all be happy and relaxed when we see each other again.

Ode to February Vacation

2009-02-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

(This post is part of Painted Maypole's Monday Missions)

Oh lovely parents of mine

You take my children for days at a time.

You give my poor brain a much needed rest

And that is why, simply, I think you're the best.

This time please keep them

The entire week.

To return them early

Please do not seek.

Take them skiing and sledding

And spoil the rotten-

So some sleep and good food

On my end can be gotten

Life at An Even Keel

2009-02-06T09:29:00.000-08:00

Things continue to go smoothly on the home front. I know I'm probably jinxing myself by writing this, but I can't help it- there's nothing more exciting to report.

I sent out checks to all of my debt collects on Monday this week, and half of them have already been cashed. While I'm sad at the missing money, it does feel good to get our debt cleared up and know soon we can start seriously looking at houses. I feel grown-up and terribly responsible.

February vacation is looming brightly in our future. The kids will be visiting Vermont for the week, and GH and I will be left kid free. I've taken the week off to work on my jewelry and to nap and play with dogs. I can't wait to have a break. GH and I even have plans to go out to a nice adult dinner where we can drink wine and eat foods the kids would find revolting. Mmmmm.....

Until then, we'll be starting the dogs in obedience classes, which we'll be doing as a family and should be an interesting time. I've also promised the kids a trip to the movies this weekend to see Coroline.

And so I count my blessings every day as the news reports job cuts, and budget cuts, and record unemployment. I go to work grateful that I have a job, and come home glad I can feed and house my family. As scary as the world is right now, it's certainly making me thankful for everything I have. I hope life continues to remain even, and boring, for a long time....

Lazy Days

2009-02-01T07:32:00.000-08:00

The past week has been filled with snow, and cold, and a general sluggishness. Our heating fuel has been zapped at an alarming rate due to a few below zero days and it's hard to find the drive to do anything but laze around the house.

On another note, I've received an email that says our tax return will be deposited in just a few days. I'm very excited, and spending most of today setting up letters and checks to go out to the credit agencies I plan to pay off. Though I hate to hand over such a large chunk of money, it feels good to know that that burden will soon be lifted, and we'll be that much closer to buying our own home. With what's left over, I've promised to take the kids to the movies with next weekend.

So for today, it's chicken soup, chocolate chip cookies, and movies in front of the space heater. I wouldn't have it any other way....

Ummm.....

2009-01-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, we got a call home from school the other day, informing us that G had gotten into a fight with another boy on the playground. The worse part? G had kicked the other boy in the family jewels.

Now, being a female, I was a little shocked. I didn't think dudes ever kicked each other in the junk. I pretty much thought this was encoded into their DNA. Was this just another social cue that G had missed due to his Aspergers?

Baffled, I asked GH. "Isn't kicking another guy in the junk a violation of the man law or something? I thought guys just didn't do that. "

"Well, when you're half the guy's size, you use every advantage you can get." He said, shrugging.

"But we didn't even see the kid, how do you know G was half his size."

"Honey, G is half the size of all the kids."

True, I will give him that. So, is this size thing a man rule loophole? I have so much to learn about raising a boy......

Prozac Nation

2009-01-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

Things have finally seemed to even out. Even though the weekend was a bit hectic die to work (I was carrying our on-call pager this week), I still managed to find time to bake cookies, let the kids frolic in a blizzard, and even watch "A Cinderella Story" with my daughter. I did my best to relax, to enjoy, and I think I did all right.

The journey towards happiness and mental stability is a long one, a hard one, and one that never ends for some people. I like to think that with the steps I've been taking lately, I'm bounding down that road, getting closer to feeling like a complete person. I have so many wonderful things in my life, that I just want to be able to enjoy them to my fullest.

For so long, I've struggled with depression. It's something I can admit now, out loud and unashamed, and it's o.k. I'm finally taking control. Counseling is going well, and this Monday my PCP prescribed antidepressants. They'll take about a month to be effective, but I'm eager for the change. I want to be a better person for my family and for myself. I have big dreams for us, and I can't let things stand in my way anymore. I'm on the road, and walking steadily ahead....

Hope

2009-01-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got W-2's for me and GH and I was super excited to get taxes filed so we could get our tax refund. After carefully plugging all of our info into H&R Block online, I was ecstatic to learn that we have enough to pay off all of our bad debt, and go out for a nice dinner with what's leftover. No fun toys or furniture this year, but this is going to get us into our own house so much faster.

I talked to another mortgage lender today, and she said once we pay that off, if we could get a secured credit card that would help our credit as well. She said that within a few months, we should be looking at buying a house!!!! Yeah!

And now that that seems to be in place, I get nervous. Every time something seems to good to be true, I often assume it is. So now I'm having paranoid delusions about our tax return not going through, that there will be some kind of problem. I try to keep the anxiety from taking over, but sometimes it's hard when you're counting on something so much.

So for now I'll wait it out for the next few days and try not to worry. It's freezing here, so I hope to do some baking this weekend and maybe watch a good movie with the kids. I'll do my best to drown my anxiety in cookie dough and board games, with smiles and family warmth.

Kicking Debt's Ass

2009-01-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

Realizing that we aren't going to approved for a mortgage anytime soon has really been dragging me down. I keep picturing homes that are all ours- where we can paint, knock down walls, plant gardens, and have a bazillion dogs without ever having to ask permission. Sometimes I throw in a jewelry studio in a quaint little out building. Sometimes there's Alpacas, which I will groom and spin yarn from to feed my newest knitting obsession. Hey, fantasies don't have to be reasonable right? Especially when you're wallowing?

So, after shedding some tears, screaming in frustration, and being generally depressed, I'm finally ready to start kicking some ass. I'm finally ready to stop sniffling and start taking charge of things. If nothing else, I'm a planner, and I'll do my best to use all of my mega-planning skills to fix our credit and get us on track to getting us a mortgage.

Now, my bad credit debt isn't huge by any means. Actually, by all standards it's very manageable. Basically it's a accumulation of medical debts from when we were without insurance, and few random other crappies. So, in a move of completely faked bravery, I'm putting all of my debt out there for everyone to see, and tracking my progress paying it off through my blog. This will become a part of my motivation to keep things on track.

So, without further ado, here are my collection debts:

Mean Collector #1:
$453.78 - This is a phone bill that my ex left me with after calling me collect for about a month. The original bill was $605, but they agreed to settle with me for this amount with a payment of $75 per month. I think I can hack that.

Mean Collector #2:
$75- Medical
$107- Medical
$159- Medical

I asked if they could combine these into one account and accept payments. They said no. I asked if they would settle with me for less. They said no. Ass hats.

Mean Collector #3:
$427- Medical, for my daughter's lovely stitches she needed right after I moved to Maine and had no medical insurance. But I digress....
$105- Medical
$95- Medical
$95- Medical
$288- Medical
$137- Medical

These guys also refused to combine accounts and accept payments, or settle for a lesser amount. Gah.

So, the total amount of bad credit accounts I need to pay off is $1514.78. It's a big amount for me, but not too huge all things considered. I just have to take a big breath, bite the bullet, and start paying things off one by one. My goal is to pay off one bad debt per month minimum. This month won't happen, as we're still catching up from Christmas, but I'm ready to get it going in February.

In order to track my progress, I'm going to put a widget on my side bar to show what's been paid, and to beg for money :)

If anyone has any tips, or knows of any help available to pay off old medical bills, please share. In the meantime, I'm going to chisel away the best I can. Wish me luck!

The Progress

2009-01-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

So far, the New Year's resolutions have already taken a hit. Yesterday, my mortgage application, the one that I was pretty much assured would go through, was denied. This was after we had found the house of dreams the day before. I'm seriously crushed. The mortgage man told me that a year ago, my application would have passed easily, but because of the current state of the market. My portfolio just wasn't strong enough. He gave me some tips on strengthening it, and told me we could revisit it again in six months. Crap.

Of course, right after I received this news, I had my first therapy session. There was a lot of crying involved. However, I really liked the woman I met with, and think this is going to be super helpful. Good times.

On the plus side, G has had a phenomenal week! He's avoided meltdowns and even cleaned his room without one complaint! It's like a belated Christmas miracle. Right now, I'll take what I can get, and that's a big gift indeed.

The Resolutions

2008-12-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years!

In classic New Years fashion, I've made some major resolutions. Some of them are the same 'ol same 'ol, but some are big, and daunting....

1.) Buy a House- Huge! This is my biggest dream, and I'm determined to make it happen.I'm currently in talks with a mortgage loan officer, and there may be a chance that I could be approved for a mortgage soon. I'm trying not to get my hopes to high. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

2.) Clean Up My Credit- My credit stinks, but not to bad. It's mainly a collection of little boo-boos that need to be taken care of. This year I'm buckling down and getting my credit squeaky clean. This resolution goes hand-in-hand with getting a house. I have some blog related ideas for this one, so stay tuned....

3.) Put Decent Amount Into Savings- I'm tired of being SOL when minor emergencies erupt, like car repairs. This year, I WILL put money into the savings account, and refuse to touch it.

4.) Kick My Jewelry Making Into High Gear- This past year I've made some minor progress in getting my jewelry making business off the ground. 2009 will be a year to really focus on promoting, developing, and kicking ass with my jewelry, so maybe someday it can be more than a hobby and bring in some actual monies.

5.) Loose Weight- Yup, this one again. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. If it doesn't, I'm looking at a new wardrobe in the wrong direction. I can't go there....

6.) Be A Better Mom- I really have to work on this- on not letting the little things get to me, on enjoying my kids more, on taking the time to relax and just have fun with the family. I start counseling next week, and hopefully this will help me get to the happier place I need to be.

7.) Get Another Dog- Oh yeah, I went there. I informed GH that if we got our house, I'll be getting another dog. Yes, I'm that mental......

In order to make all of these huge goals become reality, I'm going to try to track them on my blog. I have a few ideas on creating some widgets that will help. Hopefully it will keep me on track.

Here's to a brighter and better 2009!!!!

It's Over!

2008-12-29T08:16:00.001-08:00

That's right, it's over, it's finally over! Suck it Christmas!!!!!

All right, now that that's out of the way, I have to say, overall, the holidays weren't so bad. There were no major family blowups. The kids seemed happy with their gifts. Even though we're broke, we will still be able to pay the rent this week. Therefore, I consider the holidays a success. I'm still reeling a bit from all of the driving I had to do, but it's a small price to pay for a Christmas without having to disown any family members.

Another upshot of the holidays is that my parents agreed to keep the kids in Vermont for this week. It's the best Christmas gift of all. Yesterday GH and I lounged in bed late, and I even got breakfast in bed. In the afternoon we perused high end pet stores and played with puppies and looked at extravagant doggie furniture. Last night we ate a steak dinner in the living room in front of an R-rated movie. Insanity! Tonight after work I'll go home to a quiet house while GH is at work. I may take a nap or go see a movie with a friend. It's pure heaven.

So the next few evenings will be spent in pure adult bliss. Which basically equals more sleep. Pardon me while I drool over the thought of long nap......

All I Want For Christmas....

2008-12-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

Since your magic and all, and always watching us and so on, I'm sure you've heard a lot of grumbling and definitely some non-Christmassy style swearing ringing through our house this holiday season. For that, I admit I have been naughty, but on the whole, I think I've been awfully good. I have not shipped either of my children, or my husband, to Aubu Dabi despite their repeated provocation. I have not robbed a bank, as was seriously considered to bankroll this year's Christmas gifts. In short, I've been a saint.

So this year, I'm totally making a request. And yes, unlike many of my fellow, selfless bloggers, my request is something totally material and selfish. Here goes Santa- I want an approval on my mortgage application.

Now, I know you have pull Santa. I'm sure with a few words from you, my friendly mortgage guy would call me right back with the happy news that we've been approved for a loan and can begin house shopping. I just know it.

This is my dearest dream Santa. Being able to give my family a home of our own for Christmas would be the greatest gift I could ever receive. So please Santa, give Key Bank a call and put in a good word for me. It won't take long, and the elves won't have to build a thing.

Thank you,

Little 'ol me

It's The Little Things

2008-12-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

This morning, I woke up to having to shovel over a foot of snow out of my driveway. At the end part, where the plow comes, I finally had to call my husband out to finish I was beat!

After all of that, my office called to say we wouldn't be opening until noon. I gratefully crawled my aching behind back to bed to warm up a bit and give my back a chance to relax.

Soon I realized the sun was shining, and the roads were probably clear. Even though noon was a a while off, I could feel the pile of work on my desk calling me. I reluctantly grumbled that I should get to work.

And GH? He made me a breakfast sandwich. If I had laid in bed a few more minutes, it would have been breakfast in bed. I was so touched it was a little ridiculous.

Another Try

2008-12-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

All right, here I go, trying to look on the bright side. Ready? O.k. *deep breath*

* I have managed to make back most of the blown tire money through my jewelry sales. Looks like there might be stocking stuffers after all.

* I think we've finally gotten the holiday visiting schedule nailed down.

* I do have two new winter tires, which will be great considering the two crazy snow storms they're predicting for this week.

* The kids, the dogs, and the cats are all healthy.

* When I got sick last night after getting home from work, K told me "It's all right Mama, you don't have to make us dinner if you don't feel good. We can just make sandwiches." Such a sweetie.

* I made myself an appointment with a therapist for myself. There, I said it. In my out load voice. To everyone. I need help. I'm only human.

*Soon the holidays will be over. And that's the happiest thought of all.....

I Give Up- Let The Negativity Flow!

2008-12-15T10:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting much lately. It's not for lack of material, it's just that I've found that every post I've started lately is chock-full of anger and frustration. And so I waited. I waited for something positive to happen, for a moment that would fill me with Christmas-y goodness. And that moment? Has totally failed to materialize.

This Christmas season has just not been one filled with joy so far. The family badness surrounding Thanksgiving have pretty much killed my Christmas spirit. After all, what's more soul crushing than trying to negotiate your family holiday visits based on which family members might be there?

We did put up the tree, which is lovely. Decorating the tree is always fun. I love unwrapping all of the handmade ornaments that the kids have made over the years, especially the ones that contain photos of them. I've been trying hard to hold on to that feeling.

This past weekend I did a craft fair to try to earn extra Christmas money. Not only did I make no money, but I ended up blowing a tire. Yesterday I used the rest of my carefully horded stocking stuffer money to buy not one, but two new tires for my car. I teared up, but forced myself not to cry in front of the mechanics, and most importantly, my kids.

And so yes, here's another whining, frustration filled post. I tried not too, I swear.

However, all of the badness and the financial stresses have really made me rethink Christmas. This year, I'm going to try to focus on the cookie making and the Christmas carols, and make "stuff" the least important part of this holiday. Because honestly? We have a lot. Sometimes I just have to remember that.....

Still Freakin

2008-12-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

And so the pre-holiday insanity continues.....

While dining with GH's family this past weekend, my mother-in-law's husband had a major meltdown. Now, I've known for a long time that this man was unstable, but only recently has everyone else been able to see it. The last time we had dinner with him, he crossed the line with my son. This time, he unleashed on my 6-year-old daughter. I won't go into details, but it ended with us fleeing the house, myself and my children in tears, while pleading with GH not to pound the man in question into a pile of pulp. GH and I have now agreed that we won't go over there again, nor will this man ever be allowed in our home.

Now that we've officially had family badness on both sides, GH and I have decided that Christmas eve and Christmas day will be spent at home, with the kids. I'm nervous to break this new to my mother, but it's really what's best for our family.

Meanwhile, I've been fighting the crowds at the Mall, Toys 'R Us, and so forth to try to finish my Christmas shopping. So far both kids have piles of new clothes, and a few nice toys each. It's eating away at me that I didn't get many toy gifts for them this year, but I'm trying to deal. This year we just have to be more practical, and frankly, the kids need to learn to appreciate the things they do get.

Tonight I'll go out and get our tree. I feel like we're the last family on earth to put a tree, and I'm pretty embarrassed. But, what can you do? Tonight we'll decorate,and hopefully have a wonderful time trying to capture that oh so elusive Christmas spirit.

Surviving The Holidays

2008-12-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving with my family. Barely. GH had to stay home to work and I braved the trip to VT with the kids and Loki by myself.

While it was great seeing all of my siblings together (we're terribly scattered throughout the country) there was also a lot of stress. Between my older brother having a huge fight with my mother, and then my mother having a huge fight with my father, there was my father's 50th birthday party crammed in there. I don't know if there are words to describe the drunken mayhem that was that event.

On the plus side, I did make my dad one of my best cakes ever for his birthday. It was a caricature of him sitting on top of the local ski mountain. The image was based on a painting my older brother did years ago, pictured here next to the cake:

I'm damn proud of it.

I made it home late yesterday afternoon, and then had to head out in a hail storm to get groceries for our empty cupboards. Good times.

And now comes Christmas. Right now we're debating where exactly we're going to be on those days, whether with GH's family, mine, or both. Gah. And don't even get me started on the gifts I still have to get for the kids. I can't wait until Christmas is over. Bah Humbug.

Gah

2008-11-25T06:48:00.000-08:00

I've started several posts now and abandoned them. They all seemed too heavy, to sad for right now, a time of family and giving thanks. So, as a jump start to the Thanksgiving holiday, I'd like to share what I'm thankful for this year (yes, I know it's all very kindergarten, but please bear with my fried pre-holiday brain):

* GH found a job this year and seems much happier for it. Oh, and we can now afford both groceries and heat. Yeah us!

* The fact that I still have a job. With budget cuts killing our agency, I'm thankful every day I'm still employed.

* My two happy, healthy children of course. Even though they make me bonkers most days, I just couldn't wade through my life without them.

*GH. It's hard to find anyone who would put up with my bitchiness, neurosis, and all out crazy every single day. He puts up with it and still loves me at the end of the day.

*My doggies. They are so sweet and wonderful, and have brought a heap of joy into our lives.

*The fact that one of the doggies is getting neutered today. I'm very thankful it will never hump my elbow ever again.

*The fact that I have a home, a running car, and a family that loves me (most days) to go home to every day.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

Sill Kickin'

2008-11-18T07:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm still alive, and finally on the upswing from being so ill. Since my last post, I was diagnosed with bronchitis, pink eye, and a fun throat infection. I took some antibiotics and had an inhaler, but was still feeling lousy. Finally, yesterday, at my boss's pleading insistence, I went and saw my primary care doctor. He gave me some magical steroids which have reduced the swelling in my throat and my lungs, leaving me feeling halfway normal today. He also gave me drops for my eye so I wouldn't be half blind from conjunctivitis. So yeah, fun times all around.

Thanks to some massive state budget cuts, the agency that I work for, and every other one in the state, is being hit hard. We're scrambling to cut money everywhere, but people are petrified that job cuts are only a matter of time. So, true to form, I'm freaking out the hardest. My mind has been whirling, trying to formulate contingency plans just in case I end up losing my job in the months to come. We HAVE to work harder on putting money into savings, just in case. We HAVE to cut back on our bills, even though I can't imagine where else we can cut costs. We HAVE to prepare for the worst, just in case. Oh god, can someone get me a paper bag while I hyperventilate? Please!!????

Moving right along out of Panic-Land, I am doing better with my jewelry sales now that the holidays are approaching, and I'm praying it gives us a little extra money for Christmas. I'm actually doing really well with most of my gifts, and I think the kids are the only ones left to buy for. Of course though, they're the most expensive ones. I'm already bargain shopping and comparing prices, prepping for those pre-Christmas sales. Go sales go!

So, I'm going to do my best to save my pennies and make the best of the holidays. It's all you can do when your family is depending on you. So here's to bucking up and making the best of it.....

Total Insanity

2008-11-12T07:50:00.001-08:00

The past few days have been jam packed with a whole lot of crazy. And I mean A LOT!

On Saturday, GH and I went to a concert with a friend of mine from work. It was a lot of fun, but ended up being an incredibly late night. We got back around 1 am and I thought I was going to die. I'm just not cut out for late night concerts any more.

The next morning I woke up at 4:30 am to help my neighbor, and good friend, drive to upstate New York in order to pick up a Dalmatian puppy. Now please understand, my friend is OBSESSED with Dalmatians. She's owned two in the past, and has a Dalmatian tattoo on the small of her back. So, because of her craziness, I agreed to help her drive the 17 hours total to get this puppy, which was the closest one she could find. After the drive, on 4.5 hours of sleep, I was ready to die. I made GH promise to never let me do anything nice for anyone ever again.

Monday was G's first counseling session. We didn't get to talk a whole lot due to the kids running around and being mental, but I think the councilor is a good fit. We have our next appointment on Tuesday, and I'm really hoping this is going to help.

Thanks to the exhaustion of the weekend, my ongoing illness has flared up once again, and I'm thinking I may have a respiratory infection now. Good times. Since yesterday was a holiday, I thought I'd catch up on some rest. Yeah right. Yesterday we super cleaned the house, and I did some baking. Way to take it easy me!

Jewelry orders are picking up for the season. I was all excited until I went downstairs last night to do some work and found out my torch is on the fritz.Great timing as I have a rush order for wedding jewelry. Frick.

I'm also in talks with the chihuahua breeder we got our puppies from to help them promote their business. I'm really excited about it, as I think these are great people, and I'd love to help them out.

Think I'm taking a trip to the walk-in clinic on the way home. I'm a bit concerned I may have pneumonia. wish me luck!

Still Catching Up- Photo Version

2008-11-06T17:02:00.000-08:00

And here are the photos I kinda promised to go along with the last post.

First off, Halloween-

K is the totally sassy Princess Leia, our neighbor J is the ninja in the middle, and G's on the end rocking the Darth Vader gear.

And now, here is our new dog, Aries next to a hyper G:

And here's Aries and Loki together:

Aren't they ridiculously cute?

And that is my bloggy good deed for today....

Catching Up- Again!

2008-11-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

Seems I'm always playing catch up around here. Despite my best intentions, the blog is always the first thing to suffer when things get crazy. And trust me, it's been crazy. However, I've vowed to get everything back on track, including my blogginess.
So, here's a brief life synopsis:

Brain Train
We got the results of G's EEG and his brain appears to be showing no signs of seizure activity. They did say that the test is only 80-90% accurate though, so if we see any other episodes that concern us to let them know. For now, they suggested counseling for G's outbursts. After many phone calls, I managed to find an excellent counselor, someone a co-worker knows well, who will see G starting next Monday. We are all very hopeful that she can help G, and us, learn some new methods to help manage his anger issues and emotional outbursts.

Halloween
This year, K decided to be Princess Leia, which prompted G to be Darth Vader. The costumes were great, and largely done with things we already had around the house, which was doubly awesome. Someday my sorry behind may even post some belated pictures. Once again we did a Halloween hell walk with out neighbor and his son. Luckily, the weather was astonishingly beautiful, which made the three hour, multiple neighborhood trek, much more bearable. We now have four bulging sacks of candy sitting on top of our refrigerator once again. Good times.

Doggies
That's right, doggies. As in plural. As in two. We now have two lovely long haired chihuahuas. Aries, Loki's litter brother, joined our family about two weeks ago. We all LOVE it. They've been an amazing addition to the family. I'm even thinking of starting a chihuahua blog.You know, with all my spare time.....

Christmas
Is getting close and totally freaking me out. I think I'm doing well with all of the handmade gifts I'm doing for most of my family, but I definitely need to get my rear in gear on the kid's gifts. I have a lot of big ideas, and small amounts of money. I'm working on that. For now though, I"m buying things bit by bit, and planning for some upcoming craft shows, and praying they bring in a little extra money in time for the holidays.

Elections
I just have to say "WOW"! I can't believe I'm lucky enough to live in a time when such amazing changes can take place, and such historic events can happen. This is huge, and our country will never be the same. Here's to changes for the better all around.

Yes, I Am a 12-Year-Old Boy

2008-10-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

The other night we had parent teacher conferences at our kid's school. Thanks to the considerate teachers there, we were able to have G and K's conferences one right after another, saving us some very spirited whining and us desperate to kill time in between, as we had both kids with us.

K's conference was uneventful. The teacher remarked that she was doing well, and we checked to be sure she wasn't having any issues with her attitude. Beyond that, her teacher had remarkably little to say about our spirited girl. It was a little bit of a disappointment.

At G's conference, we were greeted by a woman who looked like she should have been our babysitter, not a teacher. She must be fresh out of college, and not at all what GH and I expected. She was very nice, and very enthusiastic about G and the work that he's been doing with a Gifted and Talented teacher. I talked to her a bit about G's Asperger's, a bit concerned that she she probably had no experience dealing with any kids with G's particular quirks.

As we chatted, G presented me with a story he had just written about getting out chihuahua. I perused the pages as I listened to his teacher. Suddenly,there in front of me, was the sentence "He has four balls." I lost it. I laughed so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. I explained my outburst to teacher and GH and they laughed as well. But they stopped. And I kept going.

I tried my best to pull it together for the remainder of the conference. I did giggle randomly one more time as "four balls" popped into my head. I hope she doesn't think I was high. I immediately felt bad for judging G's teacher's maturity level.

Accentuate the Positive

2008-10-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

After my spew into angry-mom territory, I've been trying to pull back and refocus on the good things. Luckily, this weekend was jam-packed with highlights.

- A puppy play date over at our chihuahua breeder's home, where our little darling got to romp with his chihuahua family. It was so much fun to watch the puppies play and enjoy one of the last beautiful fall days outside, having fun as a family.

- Having a lovely lunch out at a local park, once again, soaking up the last of the fall sunshine.

- Getting to treated to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants by my mother-in-law. It was even better due to the fact that there was no father-in-law there.

- Running errands and finding some great deals on things I was looking for. This also included making a pants exchange at Old Navy that I never though they'd do since I had washed the pants. But they did. Yeah me!

- Canning the last of the apples from apple picking before they went bad.

- Watching one of the kid's last soccer games. It was special due to the fact that they did it in the evening at the high school field under the lights. There was even an announcer. Even though we froze our butts off, it was a lot of fun.

- Turning on the heat for the first time. Even though I vowed not to turn it on before November, and it made me cringe at the money puring out of the radiators, it sure felt nice to be warm after sitting outside and freezing for two hours!

- And last, but not least by far, we had an entire weekend without one meltdown from G! Boy did my mental health need that. It really gave me the chance to regroup, and I'm confident that I'm ready to tackle the next fit with love and patience that I know I'm capable of....

Just Failing At Life...

2008-10-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day. Considering how my days have been lately, that says a lot. Usually I'm good at putting my head down, plowing through and dealing. Usually I get frustrated when the people around me won't just suck it up and do the same. Usually.

Thursdays are always hard, due to the fact that GH isn't home when I get done with work, and he doesn't get home until after 11pm. This means I've got the kids to myself, which also means dinner, shower, and bedtime myself. It means breaking up fights, handing out punishments, curbing begging, and wresting temper tantrums all by myself.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I really love the time alone with the kids, getting that one-on-one time in, talking, cuddling, playing games. Sometimes I really enjoy having the evening to myself as well, watching the TV shows I want, hogging the covers, selfishly cuddling the puppy- all of that good stuff. But yesterday....yesterday was just out of whack.

There has been a lot of stress boiling under the surface of my tightly stretched skin-Christmas gifts and winter clothes looming in the near future, job worries, heating fuel concerns, my perpetually messy house, the kids screaming, a husband who largely ignores me, etc. All of it has been stewing, festering, locked down tight, held in check to seep out only in moments of private anxiety.

Last night I got my work's emergency pager for the week. Even though it's only once every month or so that I have to carry it, it's an immediate ball of anxiety. I don't sleep well for fear of client emergencies or late night call outs. So I carried this Albatross home, to the immediate complaints of two cranky children over my choice of dinner. For G, these complaints soon escalated into a full blown fit.

Now please understand, I am patient with G's Asperger's. I've read the books, done the research. I do my best to be flexible, adaptable in the face of his rigidity. I try to hold him, sooth him. I try to ignore the screams the verbal abuse. But yesterday? I just couldn't do it. As G lay screaming on the floor, telling me how wretched the dinner I was preparing was, how I never fed him anything he liked, I'd had enough. I shouted for him to get up to his room. I resisted the urge to haul him up off the floor and march him to his room, knowing the level of my temper at that moment.Instead I snarled my way to a count of five, and he catapulted himself up the stairs, pausing to scream at the top of his lungs how much he hated me. I shouted back that he could just stay in his room. Not my proudest moment. I was rewarded with the sound of his feet battering his bedroom door, and screams that he hated everything, wished I would die, and so on.

So, hoping to recoup a few parental points, I took a deep breath, forced a smile, and sat on the couch with K. As I hugged her, and attempted to ease the suffocating Rage Beast that was burrowing in my chest, she proceeded to tell me that GH and I didn't spend enough time with her. She went on to bemoan all of the time we spent at work, cleaning the house, cooking dinner.

The Rage Beast gnawed at my insides, and I asked K if she would like it better if the house was even more filthy? Or maybe if I stopped working, she wouldn't have to worry about me making dinner because we wouldn't be able to afford food. Before I could go any further, I removed myself to the kitchen to check on the dinner nobody wanted, and then, to cry on the kitchen floor. It was pathetic. I was pathetic.

And so today, I try to forge ahead. This morning was greeted with yet another G fit, and a teary moment at work. Right now, with some advice from a beloved co-worker, I'm researching Asperger's support groups. Today I will fight the Rage Beast once again. Today I may even win. Today, I will take solace in the blogs of others, as they struggle with parenthood and bare their flaws. Today will be better. Today I will make it through....

The Brain Train

2008-10-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

Due to some concerns over a few recent episodes, we've brought G to see a Neurologist. Our concerns, in conjunction with G's Asperger's and my family history of epilepsy made us think a consultation was a good idea.

After an initial screening, the Neurologist said he wanted to do an EEG. This, he informed us, would consist of G staying awake the entire night before the appointment, because he would be required to sleep for a brain wave reading. G was so happy he was bouncing. It was like a dream come true for him- he had permission to stay up all. night. long.

The EEG was Tuesday morning, so Monday night GH agreed to stay up with G as he didn't have to work the next day, and I would be headed to work after the appointment. I was up most of the night as well due to GH's loud computer gaming, and G knocking on the door periodically to announce the hour. All told, G did sleep a little bit- three whole hours.

After arriving at the appointment, G's head was measured and then hooked up with electrodes. He was instructed to blow on a pinwheel for 5 minutes. G interrupters a few times to ask questions- mainly if he was almost done. After that, the light's were turned off, and GH was asked to leave the room so there would be less distraction for G to sleep.

G itched his nose. He coughed. He whispered questions. He would not sleep. Finally, they gave him a dose of sedative, and waited. He continued to squirm, and would not relax after repeated prompts. He was given another dose of sedative, and I was told he was now at the max dosage, and if he wouldn't sleep, we may have to go back another day. I silently urged G to sleep as the technician counted out loud for him, telling him to focus on her voice.

He slept. I watched over the technician's shoulder as the computer showed the waves emanating from my sleeping son's head. I watched, and caught my breath every time there was a jerk in the pattern. Is this what they were looking for? Was that an abnormality? I watched every line, waiting, wondering. This was my son's amazing, overactive brain. Could there really be some glitch in there? Something that needed taming to help him?

After about 20 minutes, the technician woke G up and yanked the electrodes from G's head in one pull. She took a futile swipe at the goop crusted in his hair. She also gave G an electrode to keep, and a print out of some of his brain waves. He was excited...and not a bit tired.

And now we wait for two weeks, while the Neurologist reads the mysterious waves of G's brain, deciphering the peaks and valleys and translating them into an answer- or not.

Stress Break

2008-10-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled stress-filled ranting to bring you a moment of pure cute:

This moment of cute has been brought to you by the lovely breeders at Silver Spoon Chihuahuas, my adorable dog Loki, and the letter C.

Now back to our regularly scheduled stress.

When Life Makes No Sense....

2008-10-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

** Amazon.com sent me an email today, telling me to be sure to watch the new show on CBS "The Ex List". This makes no sense to me on a few different level. First- why the heck is Amazon trying to get me to watch a a TV show? I mean, I can understand when they send me a book recommendation (even if it is sometimes a book I've already ordered through them)but a television show? What's the story there?

The send thing I take issue with, is why would Amazon.com assume that I would like the "The Ex List"? Does Amazon.com think I'm a fan of cheesy romance shows? What have I done to lead them to this opinion? I'm pretty sure my last book order did nothing to indicate that I'm a person who would get a real thrill out of this particular show. Oh Amazon.com, what have I done for you to judge me so?

** I receive child support (sporadically) from my ex. At the beginning of this month, one his checks, issued directly from his employer, bounced after the state had issued me the check. I have not received another check all month. I'm supposed to be paid weekly. Now that I've discovered the state has received a check after a month, the state has turned around to inform me that since my douche-bag ex's company has not responded to pay them back for the bounced check, they'll be taking 10% out of all of the payments I receive from now on, until the state is paid back. Let me repeat, just so I'm clear- Because HIS company bounced a check, the state is now taking the money from ME because they can't get HIS company to cover the bounced check. To further clarify, this is after I haven't received a payment in a month, AND on top of the fact that he owes THOUSANDS of dollars in arrears. I can barely buy groceries this month, and the state is making me cover HIS mistake. Does that make sense to Anybody!!!???? If so, I'd love to have it explained to me. Slowly. So my head doesn't explode.

** My husband hasn't had his licence now for almost 5 years, due to a very complicated set of circumstances between the New Hampshire and the Massachusetts DMV. Frankly if he had had a DUI or ran someone over, he would have had his license back sooner. It's very strange, and we haven't been able to iron it out, even with the help of a lawyer. Anyways, the point is, in these 5 years, he's had his old car sitting in our driveway. The battery is dead, the tires are toast, the windshield's cracked, and who knows what damage has been done from it sitting around for years. He had one offer to buy it, and I almost lost my mind when he said no. Recently, some random guy came up to our house and offered to buy it for parts. I was excited. He was not. He got upset and said he had to think about it. Finally with the financial crunch we're in this week, he's grudgingly agreed to sell it. Why on earth is he being so difficult about it? I still haven't figured that out...

** Why is it when you have a week where you can't figure out how to buy both gas for the car and groceries, do both children get invited to birthday parties that make it necessary to buy gifts? And why does the circus have to be in town the same week? Why Universe, oh why?

What Would Ms. Manners Do?

2008-09-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Manners,

The other day I was in my local craft store picking up a few supplies with my son in tow. While on my way to the register, I was right behind a couple who was very dressed up, obviously on their way to some kind of event, with a fancy picture frame in their hands, most likely a gift. And, as the lady walked in her fancy, I couldn't help but notice a huge red stain on her rear-end.

Well Ms. Manners, I was shocked, and a little disgusted. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I thought most women would notice that kind of leakage before it turned into seepage (Sorry Ms. Manners, I'm trying to keep this as PC as possible).

After my initial gross out over the issue, I felt bad for this woman. Obviously her and her gentleman friend were on their way to a fancy night out. I know I would just die if I got some place all dressed up and had the wrong person notice the big red stain plastered across the butt of my skirt.

So, on the way to the register, I debated. Let it go? Tell her? Just pretend I never saw it? My insides squirmed as she stood mere inches from me, laughing with her suited and tied companion as she paid for the picture frame. She began to walk away, and the cashier began to ring my purchases. Biting my lip, I called out "Miss!"

Discretely I pulled her to the side of the exit. Quietly I whispered "You have a big blood stain on the back of your skirt." Perhaps I could have used different words, I'm not sure, but regardless, she pulled away, gave me a cold look and said "All right" and walked away.

So Ms. Manners, my question is, did I do the right thing? Frankly the woman didn't seem very grateful, but more annoyed by the fact that I was speaking to her. Did I commit a sisterhood no no? Here I thought I was doing the right thing, but perhaps I was mistaken. Please tell me what to the next time something like this happens.

Sincerely,

Motor Mouth in Maine
a.k.a Sarcasta-Mom

Monday Mission- Badly Written Essay

2008-09-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

This post brought to you as part of Painted Maypole's Monday Missions, inspired by this lovely post from Bea.

The tiredness Of Me
by Sarcasta-Mom

The charecters in this drama were all very different but shared many similarities. The husband was angry the little girl was crying the little boy couln't stop talking about his DS games, and the mom was scared. But thay were all tired and wanted to go home.

the reason that all of the people were tired and scared was beacause their was a chemical spill up the road from there house and some barricades were put up and they wouldn't let the family drive there car home so they had to park far away and walk to there house.

The little girl was afraid she wouldn't be able to get home to her pets and they would be evacuated for the night. the husband was mad because the city workers wouldn't let them drive there car home to where they wanted it. the City Workers were the real villians of this tale. There needs to be villians in a story so there can be something for heros to fight.

the little boy was mad because the road block made it so he couldn't go rent a new DS game at BlobkBuster Video store and he had eaten all his dinner just so he could go; so he was really mad. The mom was scared they would get evacuated from the house, and couldn't sleep all night. And then she had to walk down the street to get her car in the morning and couldn't take any coffee to work because her travel mug was in the car.

So in conclusion after a careful analysis of the charecters, I would still say that they are very different but still the same; tired and cranky. Thank You.

The Newest Member of the Family

2008-09-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I was selling my jewelry at a local art show, when a couple went by pushing an odd looking baby carriage. People squealed over the contents, and when I heard the word "puppies" I just had to go over and see.

Now, please understand that I am not a dog lover by any means. Generally I think dogs smell, and their happy enthusiasm makes them seem stupid and slavish. I have no respect for dogs in general, but just couldn't resist cuddling puppies because, let's face it, they're just so damn adorable.

When I approached the carriage, I was shocked to see how small and incredibly cute the puppies where. When I asked what they were, I was told they were long haired chihuahuas.

Once, probably ten years ago, I saw my first long haired chihuahua. It was full grown, but looked like a puppy. It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen, and I fell in love. I hadn't seen one since, and had all but forgotten the encounter until I saw these puppies.

The woman pushing the carriage gave me one to hold, and I fell in love all over again. The tiny puppy rested comfortably in my hands, only stirring to give me gentle kisses on the chin. It was then that I knew I could not. live. without. this. dog.

The real hurdles were GH and my landlord. GH has always been clear in his hatred of small dogs, and I knew my landlords were not fans of dogs in any of their homes. SO I put in a call to my landlord, explaining that really the dog would be more like my cats than an actual dog; smaller than the cats in fact. He said him and his wife would get back to me.

I told GH he wouldn't have to get me a Christmas present if he let me get the dog. He said he would never walk the dog because he'd look fruity. He said if I got this dog, he got to choose the next one, and it would be BIG. I agreed to everything. I would have agreed to anything. I've never wanted something so badly in my life.

Long story short, I got the o.k. from my landlord, the o.k. from GH and went to visit the breeder, Silver Spoon Chihuahua at their home. A few days later, Loki came into our home.

Isn't he the cutest thing on earth? This is him next to my giant cat.

The kids love him. I love him. And most amazingly, GH loves him, perhaps more than even I do. I've never seen him so happy. But honestly, it would be a miracle NOT to love this dog. He's smart, adorable, and most importantly, poops outside.

Happy Anniversary To Me!

2008-09-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today is my two year anniversary of being married to GH. It feels like it should be longer, like maybe 100 years, or at least a more reasonable 50 or so.

When GH and I met, I was a single mother of two with a bad relationship history. I was putting myself through college and working full time when we first began to chat after meeting on an online dating site (yes, gasp in horror if you must).

When GH and I first started dating, he was living in Maine, and I was in Vermont. This actually worked out well, as I had a tendency to let things go to far to fast, as in "Sure you can move in with me. Let me pay ALL the bills, please!"

After dating for a while, GH proposed on Christmas Eve. It was beautiful. Then came the talks about where we were going to live. After some initial back and forth, it was decided that the kids and I would move to Maine and make our lives there with GH.

Two years ago we had our beautiful wedding in a ruined WWII fort at Fort Williams. It was a perfect day. We even made the kids a part of the ceremony, with GH presenting them with special necklaces, making us an honest to God family at last.

We wrote our own vows, and I wept through his and mine. Even though it was a very small gathering, it was beautiful, and perfect. The reception was a blast, even if GH and I never actually got to eat our food.

And here we are, two years later. There have been some major ups and some major downs for what may sound like such a short period. Life can be a challenge, but as long as I have GH to lean on, I know I'll always make it through.

So thank you GH. Even though we may want to kill each other at times, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being my husband these past two years, and for all of the years that are yet to come.

Monday Mission- Class Syllabus

2008-09-15T03:35:00.000-07:00

Course: Living With a New Puppy 101
Instructor: Sarcasta-Mom

Course Objective: This course should equip the student with the skills to make it through puppyhood with their new canine with their sanity still in place. Skills learned will include cleaning up puppy messes with the best cleaning supplies for the job, pooper scooper tutorial, proper play activities, crate training, appropriate treat restrictions, and how to survive on little to know sleep due to excessive late night whimpering.

Prerequisite: Parenthood, with a focus on infant care.

Supply List: One puppy, various cleaning supplies, strong coffee.

Attendance: Students are allowed to miss up to two classes for sleep deprivation or other puppy related incidents. All further absences must be accompanied by a note from the student's veterinarian.

Grading: Grading will be done on a curve based on the student's ability to remain awake and focused, as well as their interactions with their puppy. Anyone caught spanking their puppies will be failed automatically. Final exam grades are given based on the number of times the student manages to get their puppy outside before is makes a mess on the rug.

Office Hours: There are no set office hours for this course. Please try to catch the professor out on the lawn with peeing puppy.

I Can't Believe I'm A Soccer Mom

2008-09-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

So, it's finally happened. As of 12:30pm yesterday afternoon, I became a soccer mom. A soccer mom. Seriously.

Last year, G really wanted to play soccer, but with my lousy work schedule of working Saturdays, I wasn't able to do it. On top of that, I just didn't have the money, as this was around the same time GH lost his job. I felt bad. My father harassed me for not getting G involved in sports. I felt worse.

This year when the soccer fliers came home, I was prepared. I made sure I had the money together, and was relieved to find out that soccer practice was on Sundays (even though I'm not working Saturdays anymore). I was prepared. I was ready. For one child at least.

When K brought home her soccer flier right next to the cheerleading flier, i figure if K wanted to participate in something, it would definitely be cheerleading. After all, she already knew some cheers, and absolutely WORSHIPED cheerleaders. So, when I presented K with both fliers and asked her if she wanted to join one of the teams, I was completely unprepared when she selected soccer.

"Are you sure?" I asked sceptically. She assured me that she wanted to play soccer, and showed almost no interest in cheerleading. I was pretty proud that my girly girl had chosen to play a more rough-and-tumble sport (not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with cheerleading mind you).

Later that night at dinner, I was talking to the kids about soccer registration, when K announced that she didn't want to do soccer any more. When I asked her why, she said her friend at school had told her that soccer was a boys sport, and she didn't want to play a boys soccer. She asked if she could choose cheerleading instead.

Resisting the urge to call her 6-year-old friend a disgrace to the women's movement and feminists everywhere, I calmly explained to K that soccer was every bit a girl's sport as it was a boy's sport. In fact, I told her, it was the only sport I had ever played on a team in high school. I also reminded her that we would always support her in any choice she made, as long as it was what she truly wanted. I added that it was o.k. to do things that other people didn't agree with, as long as it made you happy. In the end, I said it was her choice, and I wouldn't push her either way. After an hour or two of after dinner play time contemplation, K told me she wanted to soccer.

When you're a parent, sometimes there are moments that you just know you did something right. Considering all of the times you feel lost, helpless, overwhelmed, and just plain clueless, these moments are heady and powerful. Although this lesson in individuality and self-confidence will eventually be buried under layers of teenage angst and self-doubt, I hope this and other nuggets will remain like a buoy to keep my kids afloat into healthy, happy adulthood.

Yesterday, I brought the kid's to their first practice. I was immediately intimidated and overwhelmed by the amount of people that were there. My social anxiety went into overdrive, and instantly I began to panic about how fat I looked in my shorts, that the kids had older water bottles than everyone else, that I hadn't brought a chair to watch practice in, etc. I sucked it up and, after standing in line for days, I registered the kids. The man signing them up asked if it was all right if he put K on a team with all boys. Wanting to seem cool and easygoing, I said that was fine. And then I stopped myself and thought of K and her insecurity. I said, on second thought, I'd like K to be on a team with some other girls. He switched her, and she ended up on the pink team, where even the boys wear pink team shirts. I was thrilled, and I knew K was far more comfortable on that team. As pro equality/individuality/feminism I was, I wasn't going to sacrifice my daughter's comfort, and possibly her chance at loving soccer for my cool points.

And she did enjoy it. And she looked like a real soccer player.

G's practice followed K's. G was so excited he could hardly contain himself, and threw himself into the drills with an enthusiasm, and total bliss rarely seen from him. I basked in it.

Unlike a lot of children with Asperger's, G is incredibly coordinated, and has always picked up physical activities with amazing speed. Seeing him enjoy soccer so much, and the way he interacted with the other kids just made my heart soar. It also made me feel incredibly guilty for not getting him involved in soccer sooner.

So, for my kids, I'll come to terms with the fact that I'm a real live soccer mom. I'll do the fundraisers. Go to every game. Tote the kids to practices with snacks and other gear. I'll even try to talk to other parents. Because as important as it is to be an individual, sometimes it's o.k. to be part of the crowd, especially if it makes the people you love the most happy.

The Things That Come Out of Their Mouths......

2008-09-04T17:47:00.001-07:00

In the car, just me and G

G- Mom, I just hate sweat. It's dreadful!

Me- Did you just say dreadful?

G- Yeah, dreadful. It's dreadful the way my back gets sweaty in the car.

Me- All right, just checking.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the beach, K dragging a huge abandoned buoy

K (loud enough for the whole beach to hear)- Mom! I found a boobie! Look at my giant boobie!

Me- (buries head in sand and hides)

First Day Of School, Yard Sales, And The Rest

2008-08-31T18:05:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little behind on my obligatory first day of school post. The kid's first day was this Wednesday, which kicked off their first, two-day, week of school.

Everyone looked so adorable at the bus stop, as only first-day-of-school kids can.

Now, as the only girl in the neighborhood, I always try to make K look extra spiffy for her first day of school. As you can see however, in the mere minutes it took to get her outside and take this picture, her hair was everywhere, and she had put a big sweatshirt over her cute outfit. G is the one next to her, in this, the only picture that I managed to get him to look at me.

The first day went great, as expected, and so did the second day. Both kids seem to like their teachers G even had cheeseburgers for lunch on the first day, so all was uber right with the world. We'll see how it goes when they've had time to settle in.

On other fronts, due to an expected turn of events, I got what I wanted at work, and will never have to work a Saturday again. I'm so excited, because this was the only thing that was making me consider looking for something else. Now I can stay in my job, and be as satisfied as can be expected in my line of work.

And, because I'm totally insane, my neighbor and I decided it was a great weekend to have a yard sale. I forgot how much work yard sales are. On the plus side, I did make enough for gas money for the week. Yeah! And of course, there's still tomorrow, so maybe there's even toilet paper in our future. Let's just say, money has been tight this week. Go yard sale go. Just pray that tomorrow the daisy duke wearing man or the prison lady doesn't come back. Oh, there will be stories to tell.....

Crossroads

2008-08-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

There have been many times in my life when I've felt myself at a major crossroad. At these times, it feels like every decision is critical, and that every matter weighs heavily on my brain. The anxiety level climbs, and it's hard to focus on the immediate matters at hand.So many issues to consider, with so many blurred together.

Career- Am I doing what I always dreamed? No. I'm not writing or editing, and I feel like I spent 4 years putting myself through college as a single parent for nothing.Even though I enjoy the people I work with, frankly, at this point, my job is solely to pay the bills. And, if a certain something doesn't work out with this job, I may have to start looking for a new one, which I really don't want to do. I'm stuck as what to do.

Crafts- I've worked so hard on my jewelry, and now I'm just stuck. I've built my own website, and promoted my arse off, and even bought advertising, but still, not ONE sale from my site. I've pretty much given up on the craft show circuit this year already, because the crappy economy is making sales hard. Or maybe that's just what I'm telling myself to feel better about things. For now, I'm knitting hats and trying to decide what to do about the future of my jewelry. Anyone want a hat?

Kids- I constantly feel like I need to step it up a notch with the wee people in my life. I feel like there's so much that I'm giving them, and I have to make a change. I'm going to try to work it out so that G can do soccer this year. I'm going to try to have the money ready when it's time, and make sure I can find the time to drive him to practices, even if it means sucking it up and asking work to leave early one day a week for the season. And K? Maybe a dance class. If I can sell some body parts. All in all, I need to make some efforts to give them more of my time and less of my frustrations. Maybe bake some cookies instead of worrying about the laundry. I just have to figure out how to do that.

My Weight- I've been trying to eat healthy, but I just don't feel like it's working. Most days I wonder if I should join the gym or just give up and enjoy a plate of fries already...

GH- Though his attitude has been remarkably better since starting work, there are still issues. The biggest? Fighting for his attention over his online games. Frankly, I'm tired of being neglected for his fantasy life. I've brought this up a million times, but despite promises of change, I still find myself alone in my bed most nights, falling asleep by myself. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take being second fiddle to a game. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if was having sex more than once a month, sometimes two months. I'm committed to my marriage, but it's hard when you feel like you're the only one.

Of course, these are just the highlights, and brief synopsis' at that. All I know is some things have to change. And I have to stop being so afraid, and make it happen...

The Rafting Trip

2008-08-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

It's taken me a while here to catch up on my life, as summer winds down and school prep winds up. Just the mere mathematics of trying to cram a whole summer's worth of activities into the few days when it hasn't rained here is mind boggling.

However, even with the mentalness going on right now, I couldn't miss out on posting about my recent white-water rafting adventure.

A few months ago, GH entered a raffle to win tickets to go white water rafting. I completely forgot all about it because, frankly? We never win ANYTHING. But, lo and behold, GH called me at work one day to let me know we had won the rafting trip. It was then I began to stall.

When I was younger, I was a real daredevil. These days? Not so much. Since having kids, I feel my mortality as a tangible thing, heavy, and pressing, making my heart race when I hear words like "white-water rafting".

I continued to put GH off, refusing to talk about the trip, waffling on setting a date to take the trip. Finally, GH booked the trip on his own, informing me of the date after it was all said and done. I panicked. I had agreed to make a lovely cake for Emily over at The White Hall Craig's for her daughter's birthday. Thanks to GH's scheduling, I had to miss out on the chance to make a cake, and meet a fellow blogger. (And Emily, I'm still so sorry and hope you don't hate me forever).

I stewed. I freaked out. I complained. The thought of being cold wet and terrified was not my idea of a good time. Oh, and did I mention we'd be camping? Oh, and that it had been raining for like a million days straight with no end in site?

On the day of the blessed event, my mother took the kids to Vermont, and I picked up GH after work, the car already packed the night before. And we proceeded to drive for over two hours, after a full day of work. And it was raining. And a a douche in a truck tried to run us off the road on purpose (The police were called, it was a whole thing, and worthy of a post all its own.)Suffice to say, when we finally reached the campsite I was less than thrilled. I made GH ask if we could rent a cabin instead of having to pitch a tent in the rain, but they were all full.
Miserably, we made camp in the rain. GH tried for an hour to build a fire, but it just wasn't happening. Finally I made him give it up, and we crawled into our tent, cold and grouchy.

But then, nothing compared to the cold and grouchiness of waking at 4 in the morning to find out you're sleeping in a small lake. Which we did. We finally made our way up to the restaurant at the campsite at 6am for hot breakfast and coffee. When the campsite and rafting manager asked us how we were doing, we told them our stuff was soaked and we were cold and wet. Awesome people that they were, they offered to dry out our sleeping bags and pads, and even my soggy clothes. Things were looking up, but it was still raining, and the prospect of rafting the swollen river had me wanting to crawl into my car and take a nap.

Luckily, the company that was doing the rafting trip, Riverdrivers, also managed the campsite and restaurant, and we met up with our guides and fellow rafters right there after breakfast. I opted to rent a wetsuit to to the cold and the rain. It was not pretty. Just picture 10 pounds of ugly in a 5 pound sack. GH told me it was slimming. I still wanted to slug someone.

Our instructional meeting freaked me out and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. we went through what to do if you got tossed out of the raft, and were warned "The nearest hospital in an hour away-and it's not a good hospital." I wondered if anyone would notice if I peed my wetsuit before we hit the river.

GH and I became a part of a group of two other men, and three teenage boys, who referred to themselves as "Alpha Team". I was not thrilled. Our guide was a tiny little thing, only 19 years old. I considered peeing again.

Once we actually hit the water, there was no time to think about anything else. We paddled. Hard. And a lot. When we hit the first rapid, I clung desperately with my legs, dug in hard with my paddle... and didn't fall out of the raft! After that, the experience was amazing. Our guide was excellent, and a lot of fun. "Alpha Team" was a bit obnoxious, but not too out of hand. We even got to get out of the raft and swim some rapids. I inhaled half of the river, but still had a great time.

(GH is the one in the Gordon's FIsherman style yellow rain slicker. I'm the one directly accross from him in the blue helmet with my mouth hanging open)

(And here's one where I'm paddling really hard. We were told paddling would keep you on the raft. I really wanted to stay on the raft...)

(And then there's this. I'm the one totally peeing)

I did almost fall out once when we hit a big "hole". Luckily I fell into the raft and on top of GH and not into the river. Yeah me!!!

When it was over, we made our way back to the campsite, where it had stopped raining, and were treated to a delicious steak lunch, which was part of the rafting trip. I was totally exhausted, but proud that I done something that scared the pee out of me.

That night, the rain held out, and GH and I had a late dinner over the campfire, complete with s'mores. The wonderful people who ran the company even provided us with cot mattresses so we'd be comfortable and dry if it rained again. Our guide even came to join us for s'mores and wine coolers.

After this, GH and I have decided to make the rafting thing an annual trip. We already have a bunch of friends who are eager to join us. We will definitely be going with Riverdrivers again. And next time, I'm renting a cabin...

Happy Birthday G!

2008-08-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dearest G,

8 years ago today, you were born, and I became a parent. Even though I had the support of my family, I was essentially alone, and as a 20 year-old, first time, single parent, I was terrified. You pooped strange things, hated to sleep, and couldn't stand to be put down. Learning how to breast feed almost gave me a nervous breakdown, and I thank God for the patient Lactation Consultant at the local hospital.

Even when I was terrified of everything, I was constantly amazed by you. I was amazed that I had been part of creating such a beautiful human being. I was amazed by the joy and wonder you gave me every day. I was amazed that I could love someone so much.

As you grew, you continued to astound me. You were just so brilliant and so fascinating. When you began to do things like stare at the phone book for hours, or pour over the vacuum cleaner catalogues, I passed it off as a quirk. When you began to meltdown over transitions, I thought it was just a phase. You food aversions? Well, I guess you were just picky.

Before I knew it, you were in kindergarten. I worried about you, so much smaller than the other kids, so different. But you did pretty well. The structure of school suited you. And if you had a meltdown or two? Well, you were still young, and school was new. Your teacher thought you need some OT for your fine motors skills. I chalked it up the fact that you were small, and your hands weren't that strong yet.
When I met GH, and we began dating, he observed your quirks and foibles with a new eye. He was the first one to introduce me to the word Asperger's. I brushed it aside, choosing not to think about it.

And then came the move from Vermont, where your whole world existed, to Maine, where everything was strange and new. You hated everything about it. I took you away from your Grandma and Papa, your school, you daycare, your everything. It was hard for you to adjust, and even now, almost 3 years later, you still tell me you want to move back to Vermont.

You adjusted after a fashion, and school went well. Until your teacher suggested maybe you should go to Step-Up instead of First Grade, a program for kids who needed a little more time to grow emotionally and socially. It was a hard decision, but we put you into Step Up. It was a good choice. It was there that we first began talking to your teacher about the Asperger's possibility, which I had finally began to explore. Your teacher worked with you and helped you through your fits. She let you stand up to do your work, and gave you math problems to keep you stimulated.
And last year was First Grade. The big time. It was also the year we were finally able to get you in for a behavioral evaluation after being on a waiting list for a year. And after many tests (which you really enjoyed) they told us what we already knew in our hearts- that you have Asperger's.

It's been quite the journey, these past 8 years. There have been hard times, when I just couldn't give you everything you wanted, and moments of total bliss, when everything just seemed to work perfectly. And even with the shouting, and the tears, I always love every moment of being your mother.

G, you're an amazing, brilliant, talented, unique boy, and I'm proud to be your mother everyday. Thank you for being my little boy for 8 years.

All my love,
Your Mom

Families Are Stupid Sometimes

2008-08-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

My mother is staying with us for the week. Without my dad. Originally my parents were supposed to take the kids with them to my father's family reunion in Cape Cod, leaving GH and I with yet another week of childless bliss this summer. But that was not to be.

My mother was hesitant to go on this trip in the first place. My father's family has never treated her well. They've never been very nice to my dad either.

My dad comes from a very large Roman Catholic family. They also happen to be fairly wealthy due to the large Connecticut based insurance agency my grandfather started. Of course this, sets up a certain pattern of "acceptable" behavior and expectations. Unfortunately, my dad never managed to meet them.

When my dad was 17, he got a girl pregnant and had a child out of wedlock. After that, he went to college in Colorado, where he majored in being a hippy. He then moved to Vermont, and committed the sin of marrying my mother, who already had two children, and was not Catholic. He never went back to Connecticut, and never joined the family insurance business.

There's more to it, of course, but it would be to much, and far to hurtful to disclose here. What it came down to was as kids, my siblings and I were never really acknowledged by father's family. My older brother was born out of wedlock. My sister and I weren't my dad's biological children. My younger brother, well he was still my mother's son. Growing up, at the W family gatherings, there was always a sense of being left out. My mother was shunned, and even verbally attacked. She bore it the best she could without letting us kids know, but the awkwardness was always felt.

As I grew older, I learned to ignore the hurt of being snubbed by the W's. This was especially useful when I became an unwed mother myself. I still remember after the birth of my son, grandpa W telling me "It's really to bad you'll never be able to anything with your life now." Luckily, his ignorant attitude no longer had the power to cut me to the bone- just piss me off a bit.

As the years went on, my mother learned to defend herself as well. She no longer bore the W's insults and hostility silently. I was proud of her, and we shared laughs over the W's pretentious, hypocritical ways.

The one saving grace of the W family seemed to my father's youngest brother, who we shall call Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face. Now, somehow Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face had managed to move to Colorado and away from the W family business without alienating himself from the W family. A small miracle. My parents always got along with him and his recent wife the best out of everyone.

Last year, my parents went out to visit Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face for several days. Now, what the W family has been hiding carefully for several years is that Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face has a drug problem, and possibly some mental health issues as well. While my parents were out in Colorado, Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face, went, well, crazy. He terrorized my parents, threatened them, and even called my mom a C U Next Tuesday. They thought he was going to kill someone. To this day, they're not even sure what set him off. After that though, my mom swore she would never speak to him again unless he got help for his problems.

And back to the family reunion. My mom was already reluctant to go, especially when she found out all of the grandchildren had been invited- that is, all of the grandchildren except for me and my brothers and sisters. After working past that, my parents decided to go anyways and take my kids because my kids love playing with all of their W cousins who were going to be there.

And then they found out that the W's were making my parents chip in more for their 3-day stay in the house they rented than any of the other families that were staying there the entire week. And then, they found out that Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face would be there even thought my parents had been assured he wasn't coming. Oh yeah, and Uncle-Crazy-Ass-Face wasn't being asked to chip in for the rental house at all. My parents were essentially paying for his stay.

My mother decided this was the final straw, and she wouldn't attend the reunion. My dad worked hard to sway her, and my mother teeter-tottered over her decision up until the day they were supposed to leave for the Cape. My mom arrived last night sans my dad. My dad's in the Cape having an awkward time. Neither of my parents are happy.

So my question is, why do some families have to be so stupid? Even with all of the advantages in life, some families choose to be exclusive, petty clubs, who can pick and choose who gets to belong and who isn't good enough. Who isn't good enough for their family for god's sake. A family that claims to be a good Christian family.

There is hope for the W's- it appears my first cousins are turning out to be decent adults, and the generation that's growing up in my kid's age group appears decent so far, even if they do own more pricey electronics that God. Perhaps my kids will avoid the sting of stigma's that they have no control over- being born to an unwed mother, growing up with little money, etc. Perhaps. And, if this generation decides to follow in their parent's footstep, to be cruel to their own family for a set of outdated religious tenants, or status, well then, my kids can grow up without the W's. And it will be their loss.

What My Kids Have Taught Me

2008-07-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

I was talking to someone the other day, and it made me think about all the different kinds of teachers we have in our lives. I've been lucky to have so many people in my life who have taught me so many valuable things.

Once, I was told by a new-agey spiritualist that our souls are connected to every person in our life, and that we all have something to teach each other. I've always liked that philosophy.

The most powerful teachers in my life have definitely been my children. As a mother, it's part of my responsibility to teach my kids the best way I know how. However, I think in the short period of time I've been lucky enough to be their mom, they've taught me so much more. Here are a few valuable lessons I've learned(some apply to both children of course).

K's Lessons
- You can wear pink, and still be tough enough to kick someones butt
- Sometimes it's fun to be a girly-girl
- Getting stitches is no big deal as long as you can have an orange Popsicle
- Hand sanitizer removes Silly Putty from hair
- An ice pack makes any injury all better
- Blonds can be brilliant
- Nothing is better than a good long cuddle
- Wearing a bathing suit to long can give you a butt rash
- Bindi the Jungle Girl is not half as entertaining as her father
- Stealing is not only wrong, but seriously humiliates your mom
- Unconditional love can be easy
- The words to every Hanna Montana song
- Diva-tude and fabulousness comes naturally to some
- Children are the purest beings on earth, no matter how sassy they sound
- Kids are not afraid to tell you just how big you look. Daily.
- Grandparents are one of life's greatest resources
- Your parents know a lot more than you thought they did
- Pushing your brother's buttons is hours of fun
- That your mother's best revenge is for you to have a daughter just like you

G's Lessons
- A&D ointment does not come off furniture
- Peeing outside is one of life's greatest joys
- Cashiers are very patient people
- Brilliance does not always lead to happiness
- Kids can be heartless to each other
- A good teacher can make all the difference in a child's life
- There is no end to the amount of questions a person can ask in a day
- Patience
- Forgiveness
- Being a mother means having your heart broken over and over, and continuing to love
- Autism is a fascinating and infuriating thing
- Boundaries exist only to grow
- I don't know nearly enough math
- Pokemon is really complicated
- I know nothing about Star Wars
- Little boys can be neurotically clean
- Walk away. Cry. Go back for more.
- When a hug is rarely given, it's all that more precious when you get one
- You can go for days without food or sleep
- Being a new, single mom, is one of the scariest things in the world
- The square route of 16 is 4
- When someone relies on you, you can find resources within yourself you never dreamed of

Back Aboard The Diet Train

2008-07-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I went in for my ever-so-joyous annual exam. As with any visit to the doctor's I was asked to step on the scale first thing. Now, it's been a while since I've stepped on a scale (I refuse to own one, and I knew I'd gained weight, but I was well and truly shocked to see the number that came up. I'd crossed the weight line I'd vowed never to cross. I sputtered a bit, and tried not to weep.

Angered at myself, and my ever-growing caboose, I knew it was that time: Diet Time.

I'm a big eater, and I hate to diet, but at this point, I have no choice. I can't afford to move into the next clothing size. My doctor already suspects I have sleep apnea. Oh yeah, and I hate looking at myself.

Instead of a hard-core, super restrictive plan, I'm going to follow in the footsteps of my boss who recently lost 35 lbs and just start cutting down. I put Splenda in my coffee this morning. I bought frozen diet meals (Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones) for my work lunches for the week, and brought the entire week's worth in today so I wouldn't forget my lunch during the week. This will save me both fitness-wise, and financially. A whole week's worth of frozen lunches was the same price as one indulgent lunch ordering out.

I also bought 100 calorie snack packs of a few different snacks. Let me tell you, 100calories is not a lot. I try to eat slow. It's still not a lot. My boss claims the first two weeks are rough, but it gets easier after that. This is going to be a long two weeks.

It's time to get tough, and time to put my superior will power to use. I need to be healthy for my kids and myself. I need to sleep better, and feel good about myself. I need to put my pants on with ease.

If anyone has any good weight loss tips, please share.

And Now For The Down Swing...

2008-07-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since G has had a real, full blown fit. The summer has been smooth. Day camp has kept him stimulated, and left him pleasantly exhausted at the end of the day. He had a 9 day hiatus to Vermont to visit his grandparents and a gaggle of cousins.

Even though deep down I knew it couldn't last, I chose not to think about it. One of the most unpleasant aspects of his Asperger's was in a kind of remission, and I was enjoying the ride.

And then there was Tuesday.

Tuesday morning, I was frustrated to discover that not only had G forgotten to bring his bathing suit home for the billionth day in row, but he had also forgotten his water bottle and lunch bag. In a fever of pure desperation, I told G that if he forgot to bring home the forgotten items, as well as the alternate bathing suit I was packing for him, then he wouldn't be able to play his Game Boy after camp.

The Game Boy, a 13-year-old antique he inherited from my brother, has been G's most recent, and most enduring obsession. I knew it was the one item I could use to my advantage.

When I went to pick him up that afternoon, I checked his backpack, and, low-and-behold, only the lunch bag had made it into the bag. With a deep sigh, I told him no Game Boy for the night. And that was that.

G's face screwed up and turned red in an expression I was all to familiar with. The tears began to leak, and the angry grunts and growls issued from his throat. I tried to get him into the car as quickly as possible, but he refused. I told him if I had to carry him to the car, he wasn't going to enjoy it. Finally, with many whispered prompts, he stormed to car. As I began to drive off, he kicked the seat, and punched the window. I stomped on the brakes (I was only going about 5 miles an hour in the parking lot) and hollered for him to cut the crap.

I swallowed down my boiling anger and embarrassment, and tried not to squirm from the guilt of my own outburst. Apparently the patience that I had worked so hard to build had been made weak from lack of exercise.

The rest of the night was a wash, and there have been touchy moments ever since. I'm working on rebuilding my fragile patience, and trying not to let the other life stresses eat at it. G is who is, and there's no changing it, only making the best of the bad moments, and enjoying the good. Bearing it with bravery when he screams that he doesn't want to go home in front of all kinds of people I don't know. Basking in the amazement of people who can't believe how smart he is. Smiling at the bewildered cashier when G begins firing random math equations at her. Holding on to the tender, heart trembling moments when he asks me to chase away his bad dreams at night, or hugs me, without me having to force my affections on him. Loving him with all my heart.

Back To Normal

2008-07-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my big craft show in Boston. For the most part, it went very well. Right up until the point where an insane thunderstorm rolled in, drenching us, our merchandise, and forcing the market to pack up early, trembling in fear that our metal framed tents would be struck by lightning.

When I arrived home, soaking wet and fresh off a two hour drive, my kids were home to greet me, finally home from Vermont after a 9 day vacation at grandma's. I hugged them both as much as possible before bedtime, surprised at just how much I had missed them.

At bedtime, Gabe, usually so emotionally removed, began to cry over how much he was going to miss his grandparents and visiting with his cousins. He pleaded with me to move us back to Vermont. I explained that his cousins didn't live in Vermont, only grandma and papa, and that sometimes grownups had to make tough choices as to where it was best to live for their families. I held him and sang to him, and got him calmed down for bed.

This morning it was tough to rouse the troops for our regular weekday morning routine, myself especially. Packing the camp lunches, making breakfast, packing backpacks, etc. The kids were groggy and lolled on the couch. When I delivered them to summer camp though, they had perked up, and their counselors and fellow campers were quick to say how much they had been missed.

And so we try to get back into our rhythm. The only changes now are that GH will be working some evenings, including tonight, which means I'll get to prepare dinner after work as I used to. It's going to be a rough one tonight. Not that GH will be doing this often- apparently he told the woman who does the schedule that he only wants to work part time for now. I almost had a freakin aneurysm when he told me. But that's an entire post onto its self.......

Goodness

2008-07-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

GH officially started his new job this past week. It's taken a big weight off my shoulders, making it a little easier to breath. Go job go!

My mother also came down this weekend and nabbed the kids for the week. They're now off in Vermont, frolicking with their cousins, while GH and greedily watch adult TV in the living room, and eat sumptuous, exotic foods that the kids would absolutely wretch over.

The past few days have been joyful and relaxing in a way they haven't been in a long time. The tension lifted, and GH and I have had some time to reconnect and be kind to each other, rather than snapping and panicking over our various anxieties. We enjoyed a 2 1/2 hour dinner, where we just talked, and took the ferry out to explore the Casco Bay islands that we've never seen. It's been lovely, and I think when the kids return, they'll come home to two, much happier, parents.

World's Busiest Weekend- Now With More Photos!

2008-07-07T18:00:00.001-07:00

The Fourth of July was spectacular this year. Considering we had to out run a fireworks killing downpour last year, we deserved a good one. We picnicked with our neighbors on a hill overlooking the ocean with the rest of the city of Portland Maine.

The kids enjoyed sparklers and cheap glow sticks pre-show:

And I enjoyed the wonderful world of fried dough goodness :)Yummmm....

Saturday was spent shopping and putting together K's 6th birthday party. It was a fairy themed party, and I came up with several craft activities for the kids to do, including wing making, wand making, crown making, cookie decorating, and a pinata.

My personal masterpiece of the party was a special fairy cake. It featured a chocolate centerpiece cake covered in purple fondant, and then 10 dancing fairies made of fondant over a strawberry cupcake base (K's choice).

I was up until midnight on Saturday, hand painting all of the faces, and piping in their hair in royal icing. It was perfect, and I was so pleased with myself. It's a dream of mine to someday create cakes with Duff on Ace of Cakes.

However, I did not account for the humidity that fell over my lovely cake. In the morning, the fairies were all sagging inward, looking a bit worse for the wear.

This fairy looked like she had been up all night crying over her sad fate of being devoured by sticky fingered children. Or possibly she was just a crack whore. It's hard to say with things:

These fairies looked like they might have drank to much and made-out a bit in the wee hours:

But, I didn't have much to worry about, because the kids all seemed duly impressed.

The pinata was cute as all get out:

G and his little boy buddies just loved ripping her adorable little head off, and beating her with a metal bat. Fun times.

It was a great party, even though not a lot of kids came. My fault for having a party Fourth of July weekend. But still, it was lovely. And I"ll always treasure the photos of my sweet 6-year-old fairy in her handmade wings.

Summer Lovin'

2008-07-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

Our finances are once again on a rare upswing, and today I totally indulged myself at the local farmer's market on my lunch break. For the first time this summer, I allowed myself to wander through the fragrant vegetables, the vibrant flowers, and the delicious homemade goodies.

Unfortunately the tomatoes and cucumbers weren't out yet, but I did manage to snag some turnips, baby carrots and fresh basil. And for lunch? I bought homemade bread, the stinkiest artisan cheese I could find, fresh strawberries, and an amazing honey butter. There's nothing like real honey, straight from a bee's behind. Pure heaven.

It's amazing how a few extra dollars can ease the anxiety, the mental craziness. Hopefully we can make this wave last as long as possible.

On that note, I finally managed to track down a free standing clothes line for the back yard, and we'll get it up this weekend. I can't wait! This will help cut our electricity bill big time. I'll also be investing in a small chest freezer this week to freeze veggies from the garden (if any ever actually grow) and meat when it's on sale. I'm really pumped, and I foresee money saving goodness.

For the fourth, we'll be watching a spectacular fireworks display over the ocean- one of the perks of living on the coast of Maine. I hope everyone else has a great fourth as well!!!!

Call Backs, Birthdays and Looking Up

2008-06-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well, Both K and G were called back for a second audition for the infomercial they auditioned for last week. We were all very, very excited.

On Saturday, I brought G to his audition in the morning, as they both had separate call back groups. Unfortunately, G's face broke out in some mystery hives on his summer camp field trip, and they hadn't vanished completely. And, the hives were accompanied by some fabulous dark circles under his eyes due to summer camp exhaustion. Overall though, he seemed to have done well in his audition, at least according to the details I could drag out of him. Parents weren't allowed in the room.

K's audition had only three other kids in her group, and I manged to find a way to spy through the peephole in the door. She participated in a small song and dance number, and seemed to do well, if a little reserved. We'll know by the end of the week if either of them got parts. Keep your fingers crossed!

K went to a birthday party for one of her little school friends, and I was quickly ushered out the door. It's the first of my kid's birthday parties that I haven't stayed through. It made me a little sad. Next week is K's birthday, which has snuck up on me a little quickly. I'm scrambling to get invites out and organize girly activities to keep her and her friends occupied. Wish me luck.

In other home front news, it looks like GH may have a job!!!!!! Working for my company!!!! I can't believe it. It couldn't have come at a better time considering we were on the edge of a nervous breakdown with next months bills staring us in the face. He has an interview on Monday. He could be working by Wednesday. Please send all of your most positive vibes this way.

Oh, and apparently in the past two days, I've become addicted to EntreCard. It's this whole thing where you put a widget on your blog, and other people can drop there names in your box and vice versa. You earn all of these points and get traffic for your blog. I haven't stopped dropping cards since I started. My weekend has been pretty much sucked dry by EntreCard. Check it out. Live the addiction.....

Feeling The Pinch

2008-06-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Summer Camp For Two Kids- More that I can afford per week

After Care For Summer Camp, Which Some Asshat Without a Job Decided Should End At 4pm- $2 per hour, per child

Swimming Cap Rental For My Daughter Who Has Hair That's Too Long For Indoor Pool Regulations- $1.50 per day until I get the time to buy her one

Bagged Lunch, Which I Love To Pack First Thing In The Morning- $3-$5 per day, per child

Extra Gas To And From Camp- Depends on how much gas has jumped up that week...

Being Late To Work And Sneaking Out Early To Drop Off And Pick Up Kids- Monies I hope my job won't miss

Listening To The Totally Ungrateful Whining Of My Loving Children At The End Of My Day?- Priceless

Auditions, Summer Camp, and All The Rest

2008-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

Well boys and girls, summer is officially off to a (soggy) fast start!

This past weekend, I brought both G and K to an audition for a kid centered infomercial. Ages ago I signed them up on this local modeling agency's list, and from time to time they send me kid friendly commercial opportunities. Sometimes I send in the kids photos, or bring them to a casting if we have the day free. I don't push it, and I don't really expect anything out of it. But, since K has rock star/actress aspirations already, I figured I'd support her and encourage her to explore it, even if she is a little young for it. I always make sure to stress that it's all for fun, and not to worry about getting chosen or not.

Well, this audition was definitely the most intense one we've experienced yet. There were tons of kids there, and nervous parents preening them, and running lines. Some clutched head shots, and sprayed down their kid's heads with various product. My kids ran around and took advantage of the dry erase board that dominated the room. The audition its self was short and sweet. K sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and G sang a few verses of "Frosty The Snowman" (Hey, it's what he felt comfortable singing). K was duly impressed by another little girl who sang a Hannah Montana tune. The director seemed suitable impressed with the kids' adorableness, and we were released to enjoy the rest of the day.

Yesterday began the first day of summer camp. I clutched my cell phone nervously all day. wondering if I would get a call, but it remained silent. When I went to pick them up, G was reluctant to leave his game of basketball. K marched towards the door, grumbling that she had a headache, and was tired, and needed to get home immediately. When I got the full rundown, they both agreed that they had a great day, complete with swimming lessons and plenty of sports and outdoor time. However, they both complained that my lovingly packed lunches were lacking. Let's hope I got it right today...

Haiku Friday- Saying Good-Bye

2008-06-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hard to bid farewell
Good-bye to teachers we love
Adieu to school lunch

Hi to summer camp
Welcome to the new camp bill
See-ya to my cash

Hard to bid farewell
Good-bye to the job I love
Back to the office

Hi to disconnect
Bye to the contact, the stress
And bye to the joy

So many transitions taking place this week, it's hard to keep my head from spinning clear off. First and foremost, the kids ended school this week, and will begin day camp on Monday.

I'm horribly nervous- we've never put the kids in this summer program before. Also, it's a new, steep child care bill that we're not used to, and GH is still not working. Good God please save me from daily panic attacks.....

Also beginning Monday, I will be back working my office job, having completed my tour of duty as the fill-in House Manager for one of our residences. I've been in this position for the past three months, and even though at times it's been hell, it's also been incredibly rewarding. I'm really sad to be leaving the house, and to watch all of my hard work be passed on to someone else. Yesterday I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had, and I worry about how it will feel to leave today. Of course, one client has already called this morning to tell me she hates me, all because I reminded her about her Podiatry appointment. Perhaps there are some things that aren't so hard to say good-bye to after all...

Snippet

2008-06-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

* Earlier in the day, the kids had watched a Sylvan Learning Center commercial that said kids loose two months worth of their education over summer vacation*

G:Mom, why do you loose so much learning over the summer?

K: I know, I know!

Me: Oh yeah?

K: Yup. It's because in the summer time you go swimming, and when the water gets in your ears, it washes away all of the information in your brain.

Me: Close enough.

This Week......

2008-06-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

This week I:

- Took my kids to the local fun fair and spent way too much money. However, it helped our family with some much needed reconnection, which made it worth every penny.

- Used my totally rockin camera for the first time and got some beautiful shoits of the kids. Pictures coming soon.

- Finally made risotto after seeing it every week on "Hell's Kitchen"

- Almost made it through the season finale of "Top Chef" GH was kind enough to wake me when it was over to let me know who won.

- Tried to nurse my sad little veggie garden back to health after a freak hail storm. No Joke. If we get one veggie out of that damn garden I'll be shocked....

- Continued my search for an umbrella style clothesline. Or any self-standing clothesline. You know, anything that isn't a rope tied to two trees.

- Had a great art show and was asked to be a store's official jeweler. Who knows, someday I may be able to make a living at this.

- Worked on my new website all by myself since my sister decided to abandon me for paying jobs. It's slow going, but it will get there.

- Managed to get 3 of my 6 clients to the beach, including one woman who never leaves her apartment. We had an amazing day. Small miracles....

- Did not blog. See above.

Hump Day Hmmm- Comfort Zones

2008-06-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

As always, I popped over this week to check out the upcoming Hump Day Hmmm..., which I always vow to do, but somehow keep missing. However, after reading about this week's topic, I MADE myself remember that it was Wednesday and therefore, time to participate.

This week's topic is comfort zones, and is incredibly relevant to my as of late. As an incredibly open minded individual, I've always considered my boundaries wide and my hesitations few and far between. In my life I have been fortunate to know people of all colors, all orientations, and all walks of life. I've dabbled in men of every shade and size. My brother was a homeless drug addict for many years. In college, I helped one of my closest friends struggle with her sexuality and mental illness. I have a son with Aspergers.

For the past year, I've been working for a company that does assisted living for adults with MR (mental retardation). I work in the main office, primarily handling paperwork. One would assume that would keep you on the outs of most client interaction- but not in our company. I've bandaged self-inflicted wounds, given dietary advice, and listed to people talk about horrific abuse that they've endured. I've grown close to people who most would avoid on the street out of pure ignorance.

With all of that in my life and in my past, I didn't think I even had a box anymore. My comfort zone is so huge it's Australia. However, I've discovered that even Australia eventually becomes the ocean.

In mid April, I was asked to fill in at one of our residences while they worked to replace the House Manager who had quit. I was eager to be more hands on, and met the challenge with gusto. This was a residence where I was close to almost all of the clients, and also one of our more "low-key" developments.

And now it's June. I've been there longer than expected, and seen more than I ever expected. I've had to be mother and enforcer. I've been cook and caregiver. I've been the bad guy and the emotional punching bags. There have been days when I've barely held it together long enough to get into my car and start crying.

And just when I think I've reached the edge of my comfort zone, it gets pushed further. These past two weeks however, I've hit my limit.

*** WARNING - IT MAY TAKE YOU OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE TO CONTINUE READING ***

Last week, one of my clients was prescribed a suppository for an anal fissure (Hey, I warned you didn't I?) and internal hemorrhoids. I knew this would not go over well.

This woman was abused in some of the most horrifying ways possible at the hands of her own family. She was raped by various male family members. She was put on a dog regularly when she was taken outside. All of her teeth were removed when she bit someone as a child.

I knew this medication would be traumatic, but I also knew there was no alternative. Without it, she could develop an infection, which would cause complications with her severe renal disease. Several of my staff told me outright that they weren't comfortable administering the medication. I wasn't either.

And so I pushed. Inside I tried to curl into my box and remain in my comfort zone. On the outside, I've been forced to push a woman who's experienced severe trauma to suffer through further violation. I've been forced to push my staff to do the same thing all in the name of her health.

And what have I gotten for my efforts? A client who now alternately weeps and screams at me. Staff who is uncomfortable every moment. A stack of paperwork that goes straight to the state with each dose of the suppository she refuses.

Life never stops surprising you. Just when you think you've reached your limits, your pushed harder, kicking and screaming. Your eyes are just a bit wider, your heart a bit fuller.

** UPDATE**

This morning, my client proudly told me that she had allowed someone to help her with her suppository last night, and then she took it again this morning.

A weight is off my chest, and today is a good day. It just goes to show that sometimes persistence pays off. And sometimes, when you push your own boundaries, others will push theirs in return.

Catching Up

2008-06-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Once again, life has gotten away from me. Things like blogging, and, I don't know, sleep, have fallen by the wayside.

The past week has been a blur of crafty madness. I had a big show yesterday, and I took Friday off just to make jewelry. I made jewelry on Saturday while my parents were visiting. I made jewelry in my sleep. I made jewelry instead of eating. I prepped displays and eagerly priced my items. I was consumed.

Yesterday was the show. The venue was packed and my jewelry partner and I were excited and optimistic. As the day wore on, more and more people fondled our jewelry. The compliments and admiration poured in. The sales... were non-existent.

We polled the other crafters and found that it wasn't just us. Apparently after buying food and beer, people weren't keen to purchase lovely handcrafted items. The economy blows, and this was living proof. In the end, I cleared $5 above my booth fee- and the booth fee was pretty cheap.

I had so hoped to make money at this thing. I poured myself into it, thinking this would be a big chance to get ahead. Big. Fat. Crap.

So now I prep for this Friday, and my display at the local art walk. Hopefully it will work out better than yesterday. In the meantime, I won't let myself get consumed my it. I will play with the kids and enjoy my time with them. I will fiddle with my new camera. I will blog about the good moments, and remember money isn't everything. I will cook and eat and do the things I love. I will enjoy my veggie garden, my new rose bushes and stop worrying about what comes next.

Gift To Myself- Haiku Friday

2008-05-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have dreamed of it
Far to long a fantasy
Photo envy pain

Now surprise money
Some extra in my account
It will now be mine

Oh Canon Rebel
Soon we will be together
Making great photos

For years now I have dreamed of owning an SLR camera. I have drooled, I have dreamed and I have longed. Now, thanks to a small, unexpected windfall, my dream camera will be mine. A Canon Rebel XTi is on it's way to me as we speak.

After sacrificing college, and suffering financially for months, I don't feel guilty about spending the money on myself. It's my birthday present to myself, the mom who's gone without birthday gifts for years.

Of course when it gets here, I'll probably be overwhelmed. I'll feel the guilt over buying something so huge for myself. I'll be suffocated by the anxiety of spending so much money. But for now, I'm going to enjoy imagining all of the wonderful pictures I'm going to take......

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-05-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. Funny just how little that seems to mean the older you get. This morning, neither my husband or my kids remembered to say Happy Birthday. The morning was salvaged by breakfast out with a co-worker, and a client of ours who had a birthday today as well. I tried not to be to depressed about the fact that that breakfast at Denny's would probably be the highlight of my birthday.

Today I wrote to the college I was accepted to and told them that I had to withdraw my acceptance into their graduate program. GH still does not have a stable job, and I just can't afford to go back to school this year. I'm doing my best to choke down my sorrow and disappointment. I keep reminding myself that sacrifice is part of being an adult and a parent. Some things just have to come first.

On the plus side some things, big things, look to be happening with my jewelry making. I have my first big show of the season in two weeks, and it has the potential to be a big money maker. Also, through a series of random events, I've stumbled into a very promising relationship with a local rock and gem shop. I've agreed to produce a line of new-age, healing stone jewelry for the shop, and I'm taking custom jewelry jobs from random customers. If all things there come to full fruition, it may mean steady work designing jewelry. I like to think that maybe the universe is making up for me having to give up college- or perhaps even pushing me in another direction.

So Happy Birthday to me. Another year survived and under my belt. Another year to look ahead and to hope for more, whatever that may be.

I Married The King Of The Dorks

2008-05-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

Me: Honey, you need to get up

GH: *mumbling from under the covers*

Me: Seriously, you need to get your ass out of bed!

GH: I'm gathering energy from the earth. I'll be up in a minute.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me: Sweetie, can you please come help me with dinner?

GH: There is no dinner. There is only Zorg.

Me: Fine, then can you please come help me make some Zorg?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

GH: (Wraping up some really long boring story about some argument he was having in his online Lord Of The Rings game) ... and so then I just said "You Win!" because that's the only way to really win an argument. It makes the other person look like a total jerk.

Me: Hmmmmm (thoughtfully) Did you consider just saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

GH: You obviously didn't get the point. That would have been totally immature.

Me: How about "I am rubber you are glue."?

GH: No, that's still immature. You just don't get it.

Me: Honey, have you ever stopped to consider that you're a grown man playing an online fantasy game? I think you may have missed my point.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I love him to death, but did you catch that he plays Lord Of The Rings Online? Can I just point that out again for the record? Just call me Mrs. Dork.

Seriously, Is It Me?

2008-05-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I had one of my client's steal a $200 check out of my office. I work with adults with MR, and have learned infinite patience and understanding, but this, well, this just pushed me over the edge. Granted, it was a client with a history of theft and deception, but it also happened to be a client I had just spent two days worth of serious quality time with. Naive as it may sound, I just didn't think she'd pull something like that with me.

When I confronted her, my eyes swam with tears of hurt and anger. I managed to be calm and professional, but part of me? Well, part of me wanted to throttle her and scream "What the hell were you thinking!?!?!" Once again, I was left feeling betrayed, furious, and like a complete sucker.

So seriously, is it me? Do I give off some kind of pheromone that prompts thievery? Tomorrow, I'm dousing myself in some kind of aura cleansing hippy oil.

Princess of Thieves

2008-04-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a veritable crap storm. A few highlights include:

- After having my "Service Engine Soon" light come on, my car broke down and required a lengthy tow and a new starter. After it was repaired, the engine light went back off.

- Yesterday the "Service Engine Soon" light came back on. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

- I didn't get the promotion I applied for at work. Instead, my best friend got it. I've diligently choked back sobs as I tell her I'm happy for her, and listen to her ramble on and on about how great life is going for her.

- GH has still not found a job, and with each day that goes by, I worry more and more that I won't be able to go to graduate school.

With all of that lovely garbage going on, one more incident was enough to send me straight over the edge. As if the universe knew this delicate calculation, ti decided to send me one more thing.

Yesterday, on a rare Saturday off, I took the kids out to lunch, (which I couldn't really afford) and then to the local craft store, which was doing a free craft project for kids. G and K had a great time decorating bookmarks, and picked up a super duty craft epoxy I've been needing with my handy-dandy 50% off coupon.

Since the day was going so well, and it was so beautiful outside, I decided to take the kids to the park. Sitting on a nearby bench, I watched the kids play, squealing with delight, lost in the dusty melee of other screaming, flailing kids. A short while later, the kids discovered their favorite friends were there, and their mom soon joined me on the bench for a rare adult/mommy moment.

After some time, K came over to the bench with her little friend and sat beside me. That's when I noticed something clutched in her hand. It was a gift card from the craft store we had just been at. With a few questions, it was revealed by K that she had taken it from the store. Seething with embarrassed fury, I told her she was in a world of trouble when we got home. She hid under the slides while I gathered up G and headed home.

When we arrived home, I told GH what had happened, and we had a very serious discussion with K about how serious stealing was. We told her how it hurt and embarrassed her family. We told her that it hurt the store and it's employees. We told her that if she was an adult she could go to jail, that stealing was a very serious crime. We talked, she cried, and eventually we sent her to her room for the evening.

Today I took K back to the craft store, stolen gift card in hand. We returned the coloring book I had bought for her yesterday, and asked for the manager. Pulling her aside, I had K explain what she had done, and give the gift card back to manager. I explained that K had to return her coloring book and was grounded for a week and that she understood what she did was very wrong. The manager was very kind and understanding, and we agreed that K would write the store a letter of apology, telling them what she had learned from this experience.

And now I stew, in embarrassment, hurt, and a permeating feeling of crushing failure. This isn't how I raise my children. I know that this happens with most kids at some point, but I guess I didn't think it would be my kids. Does anyone? After all, my kids know how hard we work for every dollar. They've been brought up to respect hard work and the value of everything. Could I somehow have done it wrong?

Since it appears my life has gone completely white-trash this week, looks like I won't be quiting smoking this week either. Maybe I should just grab a Budweiser, turn on WWE and admit defeat....

*UPDATE*
Only a few hours later now, and GH has discovered two more stolen items in K's room. One, a container of bubble gum from Blockbuster. The other, a tube of lip balm from Wal-Mart. She's 5 for God's sake! What is going on with my child?!?!?!

Tomorrow, we're removing the toys from her room for the week, and she will be spending her time in there after school and after dinner. We're hoping a week with no toys at all will teach her to appreciate what she has. She's also not allowed to come with me to the store for a long while. I'm just not sure what to do.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it. Until then, I'll be watching Jerry Springer and preparing for my future.....

Craptastic-ness

2008-04-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

Tuesday on my way to work, I stopped to get gas at the 7-11 as I usually do. They have the cheapest gas in town, but unfortunately only two pumps. Seeing that both pumps were occupied, I pulled into a space in front of the convenience store to wait. Since this was the day I had decided to quit smoking*, I stayed firmly planted in my seat, resisting the urge to go buy a new pack of Camel Lights (*and yes, I smoke. This is a big dark, dirty secret which I have now revealed. In my defence though, I never smoke in the car, or around my children. I only smoke at work where I have the very real potential to go postal)

When I saw the car at the pump closest to me pull away, I sighed heavily in relief. Checking behind me, I began to creep out of the space. I turned my eyes forward for a moment to check my front end, and *BOOM*. BY car jerked to halt, and I began to swear loudly,as I turned behind me to see the rear end of my mommy wagon planted firmly in the side of a small white BMW.

I pulled quickly back into my space, shaking violently and still swearing under my breath. I dug in my purse for a scrap of paper and a pen to exchange insurance information. After asking BMW lady if she was all right, we exchanged our information, both of us flustered and unsure that we had given each other what we needed. There was a swath of white paint on the corner of my bumper, but nothing more. I winced at the dent in her driver's side door, streaked with my car's blue paint.

After our awkward exchange, we both went to the gas pumps, where we stood across from each other pumping gas, trying to avoid each other's gaze. Afterwards? I marched my fanny into the store and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Later that day, my car insurance company called to let me know they had determined I was liable for the damage since I had been pulling into the lane of travel. Even though she had appeared out of nowhere. Even though she was obviously darting in to steal the empty pump. Insurance asshats. I'm still waiting to see what her damage claim is. I'm pretty sure I'll be paying my full $500 deductible. I may have to sell body parts.

Did I mention the lady was driving a BMW? I'm going outside for a cigarette.....

Lameness

2008-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted lately, and frankly the only excuse I have is that I'm lame. Seriously, the queen of all lameness.

Here are some things I could have blogged about but never found the time for:

- K asked if she could go to a sleepover at a friend's house. I told her, at 5, she's too young to have a sleepover, especially at someone's house who I don't even know. And besides, she didn't even have an invitation. Well, the next day, she brought home an "invitation" that her and her friend had concocted at school. It was hilarious. I meant to take a picture and post it, but it got wet and the ink bled while it was on the counter. Grrrr.

- I received a letter informing me that I had been selected to receive one of the scholarships I had applied for. Now, I only need 9 more in that amount and graduate school will be paid for....

- GH has decided to start a business building computers. He still doesn't have a real job, and school is looming closer.

- I have started walking after dinner with a good friend. We walk around the high school track and let our kids romp around in the grass in the middle. We're up to 2 miles a night. No progress on the waistline yet.

- I'm considering investing in Spanx, a new fancy line of body shapers that are supposed to be comfortable and fabulous all around. I'd like some feedback from anyone who's ever actually worn them before I spend $70 on a pair of underwear. Anyone?

- Most of our snow is finally gone, and I've renewed my vow to plant a veggie garden this year. So far, I've bought seeds and rakes. This year, it's going to happen. I'm just praying my skeezy neighbor won't steal my veggies.

- G continues to do well with the Melatonin. I still love Melatonin.

Melatonin, You're My Hero!

2008-03-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night, we began G on Melatonin as his doctors' suggested for his sleep problems. Every night since has been a small miracle.

Two nights, G was asleep on his book before his reading time was over. Last night, after G bumped his head in bed, I laid down with him, and rubbed his back gently. Before I knew it, he was asleep, breathing deeply, his body still beneath my hand. I was completely stunned.

Even though there have still been meltdowns, G's overall attitude has improved. Last night when he was on the verge of a fit, he even removed himself to his room for a few minutes to shout it out, returning shortly. I've seen him sit quietly, relaxed, instead of spinning and hopping around like a mad man. He has shown me affection I haven't seen in ages, even making me a get well card for my head cold.

It's amazing what a few good nights rest can do. Now if I could only figure out how to get one myself.....

Haiku Friday- Friggin Snow

2008-03-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning
White crap falling from the sky
Spring snow is evil

Had to scrape my car
Thought that was over for now
Should have known better

New England weather
So tired of the snow fall
Beg for it to go

That's right, this morning I woke up to my car coated in snow, while more of it fell from the sky. It's still snowing as I sit here, and they're calling for several inches. Yesterday it was 50 degrees. Sometimes I really hate living in New England...

G Has Autism

2008-03-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Monday was the day of G's full evaluation, the one we've waited for over a year to receive. We spent the day answering questions, listening to G answer questions, watching G be examined physically, watching as G played and interacted with the doctors. I went through it all, my stomach in knot, wondering what each doctor was writing down, if G was doing things "right".

At the end of the day, we spoke with the doctor while G played computer games in the next room. The first thing that she told us, was that G was astoundingly smart. In fact, he has and IQ of 122 (confirming once and for all that my children are indeed smarter than me). With that said, she went on to explain that G did in fact have a mild case of Aspergers.

Even though we have known that for so long, finally hearing it out loud still hit me, making my brain freeze and stealing the air from my chest for a brief moment.

We were told to start G on Melatonin for his sleep problems, and to look into getting him OT through school, and exploring socialization groups. She advised us to stay calm in the midst of his fits, to help him with joint compressions, and to stop struggling so much over food. She told us to look into the Maine Autism Network, and wished us luck, assuring us that G was a wonderful and extremely bright boy.

And G is still G no matter what. His amazing teacher called me yesterday to let me know she was having G join a new math club at school, and he continued to be a "dear" in his classroom. Last night we struggled through yet another meltdown. Tonight, we will begin the Melatonin. Now that we k now for sure what's going on, we can work to help G the best we can. And maybe find a little help for ourselves along the way.

Haiku Friday- I Did It!!!!!

2008-03-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

Letter now in hand.
I can't believe they want me.
My dream coming true.

I did it, got in!
Grad school is in my future.
August starts it all.

Worries, money fears.
I will hardly see the kids.
Hard work and papers.

Can GH do it?
Handle the bills and the kids?
Can this all happen?

That's right, it's happened. The college I've applied to has decided I'm good enough to enter their super selective graduate program to achieve teaching certification and my Master's degree in Education. In 9 short months, they will pack me full of courses, internship hours, and general teaching know-how. In 9 short months, I'll be ready to be a teacher.

The program starts in August and runs through May. I keep telling myself that we'll be able to to it, to sacrifice, and struggle to make this happen. I know I'm asking a LOT of my family. I will hardly see my kids as the days start early and go until around 7pm. Weekends will be full of papers, and research. GH will have to go out and get a real job, and handle the finances, the dinners, the appointments, etc. We will have no money, no time.

This means the next few months will be full of putting away every penny into savings. It will mean enjoying every relaxing moment we share together. It will mean shoring up our resources, preparing, and steeling ourselves for the months to come.

But in the end, I'll be able to become a teacher. I will achieve my dream, and have a real career. I'll be able to start thinking about finally buying a house, and working on other dreams. Sometimes, good things really do happen if you try hard enough, and dream long enough.....

Being Broke 101

2008-03-19T06:33:00.001-07:00

In the many months that GH has been without a job, I've become a bone fide expert on being broke. Yes that's right, broke, not frugal, as frugal is a word for people who actually have money but are saving up for things like a house, a new car, or a fluffy new poodle. Frugal is a word for people who choose to cut back. Broke is a word for those of us who have seen our bank accounts dip below $10.

Now that we've cleared that up, I'm willing to share my broke living tips, free of charge, though frugal people are welcome to send donations- no poodles please.

Broke Ass Tips

1. Ramen Noodles are your friend. Now, I'm not suggesting you feed these to your kids, as their nutritional value is zero, but they are perfect for a cheap lunch for grown ups. After all, I think Ramen is Chinese for "Cheap Ass".You can take them to work. You can eat them at home. You can juggle them for cheap entertainment! Add a few leftover veggies or meats and it's like eating a real meal. If people look at you funny for eating this college dorm staple, just tell them it's a new fabulous diet.

2. Leftovers are also your friend. Never throw out a leftover. NEVER. This is an important commandment of being broke ass. Leftover roast and veggies can be sandwiches, or beef veggie soup. Those mashed potatoes? Tomorrow night's potato pancakes. And don't forget, all leftovers can be put in the freezer for later use. Think like a Native American- every part of the leftover is sacred and useful.

3. Go shopping armed with a list. The grocery list is your most powerful weapon. Use it wisely. Make a list of essentials only. If you can manage to plan ahead for your week's meals, you'll be doing even better. Stick to the list. Remember, Ben & Jerry's is not an essential.

4. Change is awesome. I've always kept an "oh crap" emergency money jar of all my loose change. This is for when I have no money for gas to get to work, or run out of milk before payday. I hide this jar from both GH and the children. However, I'm not above stealing GH's loose change and putting it in the jar if he's foolish enough to leave it laying around. Love this jar. Cherish this jar. Guard this jar with your life.

5. Don't be afraid to be cold. My thermostat has only gone above 66 degrees on a few special occasions this year. Keep your socks on, wear sweaters, and curl up with a blankie. Spring will be here soon. Cheap heating fuel will not.

6. Pipe cleaners- good cheap fun. "Look kids, its a bendy worm. Now it's a G! Here's a K! And er, another worm..."

7. Borrowing. Borrow movies from friends and neighbors. Borrow books from the library. Borrow inspiration and support from other bloggers- after all, you know you'll give it back in the end :)

Of course there's more, but time is money, and I'm off to knit pipe cleaners into the new wardrobe I can't afford.

Please feel free to share your best "Broke Ass" tips.

Things and Stuff

2008-03-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

I've been a lousy blogger lately- sometimes life just gets in the way. This whole time change business has my internal workings all in a funk, and exhaustion has been killing me all week. It's amazing what a one hour shift can do.

On the bright side, I had an amazing meeting with a talented group of Maine crafters this past weekend. It was nice to chat with other crafty adults, and exchange adoration over our various items. Go crafts!

Even better however, was that this weekend I received a letter letting us know that our family is now covered by state health insurance, after applying for the second time. We're finally broke enough to qualify. Way to be poor! Money aside, at least now we can afford to get sick, which is great considering what a total klutz my K is.

And speaking of money, GH's amazing grandmother sent us a check, as she knows we're struggling right now. It's a real kick in the crotch to my pride, but a gift we can't turn down at the moment. After all, we have tons of fun things we need to buy, like socks for G, whose current socks are more hole than material. And who knows, maybe, if I'm real lucky, socks for me as well. Sheer luxury.

On a down note, I have a bad feeling I'm not going to be accepted into graduate school. I placed a call to the admissions office last week to ask when decision letters would be sent out. She asked my name, and after I gave it to her there was a pause- and then she let me know letters would be going out at the end of the month. I think if I had gotten in, she would have told me. Why else would she have asked for my name? Looks like I may be getting the fabulous reject form letter. I'm trying to prepare myself for the blow, the whole time praying out of the other side of my mouth that it isn't actually going to happen. All I can do is continue to wait, and deal with it when it comes, either way. Here's to hope!

Melt Down City

2008-03-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

After enjoying a relatively lengthy period of no melt downs, G has decided to bring them back in full force. The past few days have been a careful dance of trying not to set him off, while still trying to enforce household rules.

The night before last, the house was ringing with the familiar shouts of "I hate this place!" "I hate everything!" etc. The walls shook as he kicked at his door and tossed toys on his floor. We gritted our teeth and waited for it to peak before trying to bring him down to get him in his bed.

As I held him and tried to ease his hitching sobs, he confided to me that he didn't want to be smart anymore. When I asked him why, he said he couldn't handle things being on his mind all the time, that his brain was too busy. I told him that is why he needs sleep, to give his brain time to rest, as I'm pretty sure he's back to not sleeping well again. My heart ached for him, as it always does.

Luckily, we managed to finally get insurance worked out for G, which means we'll finally be able to get his full evaluation done on March 24th. Until then, we go through the familiar dance, doing our best, and praying that answers, and maybe some help, is on the horizon.

Weekend in a Nutshell

2008-03-03T05:47:00.001-08:00

Weekend Recap
- K lost her first tooth, which is a relief as her adult tooth is already coming in behind it.
- Used both the new deep fryer and waffle maker, my big tax refund splurges.
- Forced my family to accompany me to the beach, where we froze our butts off collecting winter sea glass.
- Actually made, and partially made, some new jewelry.
- Was accepted into the Boston South End Market to sell my crafts this summer.
- Sent out a scholarship application on the day it was due.
- Never got around to sewing the pants I was supposed to fix for clients at work.
- Ate fried chicken and collard greens.....mmmmmmm
- Joined Blissfully Domestic
- Didn't manage to get the nap I wanted, again.

They're Ba-ack... And Other Stuff

2008-02-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

The kids have officially returned from their uber-vacation in Vermont. They were well spoiled, terribly indulged, over stimulated, and generally exhausted. G wept the entire ride home, wailing that he missed grandma, and his cousins, and begged to move back to Vermont. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make GH and I a little sad.

Fortunately, the kids seem to have slid seamlessly back into school. G has had a few mini-meltdowns, but so far, so good. They've both been on the over tired side, and have been back at their bickering, which my mother claimed they didn't do once in Vermont.

While the week away from the kids offered fun time and relaxation time, it also offered me a lot of personal reflection time. The conclusion was not good.

Like so many other moms I know, I've found my life sidetracked from one directed towards dreams and desires, to one focused on necessity. There are so many things I've wanted to do with my life and my career, but instead, I find myself working at I job that's difficult, pays little, and is outside my field of study. Every day I wonder why I spent 4 years putting myself through college, studying what I loved, just to end up working a job I'm not passionate about just to pay the bills.

In the past few months, I've been making efforts to go back to college to get my teaching certification, as I've blogged about. That's one dream I'm working on achieving, though I don't know if it will happen in the end.

Then, in the past week, another dream has resurfaced- one of opening my own store, selling my jewelry and other handmade items. I think I could do it, make it work. I have a good friend who's interested and would make a great partner. I went out and bought books on how to own a retail shop, write a business plan, etc. I know it's achievable. But will I ever take the leap? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the reality of bills and time constraints limit my possibilities. While I never resent being a mother, I know it's going to make a lot of things impossible, or at least put them on hold for a long time. And yet it eats at me, the thoughts that I should be doing something big, something I love, something I can be proud of. I should be more than an overweight mom, working 40 + hours a week at a job that is thankless and drains me to the core.

And so I keep on dreaming. Sometimes, it's all you can do.

Lazy Days

2008-02-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

The kids have been gone since Sunday afternoon. The house is quiet, and feels darker and colder. No screaming and shouting, no lights left on all over the house, and no complaints about the heat being too low.

I have happily sprawled out all of my jewelry making supplies in the living room, secure in the knowladge that my beads won't get snatched by little fingers or other items lost under the couch. I've watched grown-up TV shows and crafted in peace.

GH and I have gone to lunch and eaten hot wings until we burst. We went out to dinner, and were seated like lightning at a table for two. We've eaten dinner late, and drank wine in the living room. We made spinich and didn't hear one cry of outrage.

These precious days seem to be flying by. There are a lot of things I want to tackle this week, and I hope to get them all done. It's a lot of living to cram into one tiny week.

And each night, I call the kids. They both sound so happy on the phone, but profess to miss me in sincere tones. I can hear their voices echoing in the empty house. Though I enjoy the time apart, I can't wait to see them again at the end of the week.

Haiku Friday

2008-02-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Graduate school looms,
Will they accept me? Who knows!
Forever waiting

Next week, no kids home
Vacation with grandparents
Realaxation time

Next week will be bliss
February Vacation!
Kids gone to Vermont

I will miss them, yes
But kids will be loved much more
After a week gone

We will eat seafood
Stinky cheese and good wine. Yeah!
Foods for only two

Oh yes, you heard right. My wonderful parents are taking the kids away to Vermont for an entire week for their February vacation. Come Sunday they'll be on their way to a week of skiing with their cousins and being spoiled rotten by Grandma and Pappa.

And GH and I? Oh, we'll be busy. Busy watching adult shows on the living room television. Busy eating delicious foods the kids won't touch. Busy working on crafts undisturbed. Busy cleaning the house only once- and enjoying it staying that way for an entire week. Busy listening to the sounds of a silent house, no bikering, no whining, no begging.

And yes, busy missing the kids. I'm sure a week apart will do us all good, and we'll all love each other all the more when the week is over. That's the theory anyways...

How G Is Different

2008-02-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

*WARNING- This post contains vomit, barf and other bodily fluids. Continue at your own risk*

Yesterday, I spent my one, lovely day off curled up in bed with a nasty stomach bug. Cramps, nausea, and a case of the runs you read about in scientific journals, caused me to drift in and out of consciousnesss, and miss out on the house cleaning, craft making and general relaxing that I look forward to all week. Such is life.

This morning, I dragged myself out of bed after hitting snooze for the third time, and willed myself not to vomit as I lurched to the bathroom. And at the bathroom door...... a big pile of barf. I jerked my foot back from nearly landing in it, and fought with my gag reflex while shouting for GH to come out and help me. At first, I thought it was cat vomit. But after a moment, I realized it had to belong to one of the children.

As I grabbed paper towels and began mopping the floor, I realized the toilet was full of vomit too. How on earth could one of the kids puked so much and called for me or GH? I was worried. Should we go in and check on the kids?

Just as my paranoia began to kick into overdrive, G's door creaked open slowly, and his little head poked out.

Me: G, honey, did you get sick last night?

G: Yeah

Me: Why didn't you wake me up? I would have helped you.

G: I don't know. I just went back to bed.

Me: Are you o.k.? Do you still feel sick?

G: I'm fine. *pulls head back into his room*

And that's just it. Even at 7, G doesn't need me like other little kids need their mom. He doesn't sob and cling when he has a tummy ache. He doesn't call out for me in the middle of the night when he's been sick all over the floor. If it had been K, her pained shrieks would have alerted the entire house to her illness, and I would have spent the rest of the night stroking her head and singing her lullabyes. But not my boy. Not my G.

I have to admit, it hurts a bit, to feel so unneeded. To know that he was so sick and never once called out to me. To know that he didn't think to need me. And I hurt for him, to be be so sick and alone, without me, even if he didn't know he needed me. We only have so long to comfort and protect our little ones, that being shut out from even one vulnerable moment is hard to come to terms with. But that's just who G is. He doesn't seek the emotional comfort that other kids do, and I have to live with the fact that he just doesn't need me the same way K does. But how do I live with the fact that I still need him to need me?

In The Air

2008-02-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the big interview. I was so nerved up that I spent my morning researching teaching philosophies, and trying to prep answers for questions I didn't know.

When I went to iron my good button down "grown-up lady" short, my iron left behind a rusty stain. I sprayed with Shout, scrubbed with water, and swore like a sailor, but it was beyond a quick fix. Frantically, I tore through my closet, looking for anything semi-professional that still fit me. I put on a black shirt dress, which looked nice, but depressing- the last time I wore it was to my grandmother's funeral. I tore through the rest of my limited wardrobe, bemoaning the fact that I worked in a casual office where jeans and long-sleeved shirts were the norm.

Finally I settled on black slacks (a bit snug, but workable) and my fancy red sweater with the drapey cowl neck. Donning my newly made sea glass necklace and favorite pair of earrings, I applied a heavy layer of makeup to hide the stress blemishes, and prayed I wouldn't vomit on anybody.

I arrived early, due to my anxiety over getting lost, and waited on a bench next to another woman. After a brief chat, I discovered she was trying to go back to school after 10 years, and she was I-want-to-vomit nervous as well. She helped ease my fears about being the only mom trying to go back to school after years of being out of the formal education system. Unfortunately, she was dressed a lot nicer than me, and her skin was picture perfect. It made me kinda wanna push her down a flight of stairs, but instead I smiled and wished her luck.

Once I was in the interview room, seated across the table from the two uber-professional female professors, I think my IQ dropped by about 70 points. I think I answered the questions appropriately, but I could hear myself ramble and laugh nervously. It took a mighty effort to make eye contact as my eyes rolled heavenward, hoping some entity had placed brilliant, witty answers on the ceiling. I prayed I was making sense as the words rolled out of my mouth.

As the interview came to a close, I asked when I could expect to be notified if I'd been accepted or not. They weren't sure exactly when, and explained it was a fairly long process, and there was a whole second round of applications to consider. However, at the end, they made a remark that I should expect to be very busy at the beginning of August. The program begins in August. Was this a veiled hint that I could expect to be accepted? My brain was so addled that I tried not to make much of it.

On my way out, I asked the secretary if she could give me a clearer idea of when acceptance letters would go out. She said around the end of March. Plenty of time to worry, to try to recall my jumbled responses and kick myself in the shins repeatedly.

Maybe?

2008-02-01T12:43:00.001-08:00

I recieved the news the past week that I was selected to interview for the graduate program I'm applying for. The interview is on Monday, and since recieving the news, I've been a nervous wreck. Not only that, but I've been moody and irritable. This news, that I've passed through the first round and was deemed good enough to interview, has me all tangled up.

On the one hand, I'm ecstatic. I'm one step closer to getting into the program. To being a teacher. To actually achieving my dream. To finally proving to myself, that I'm good enough. I find myself saying things that begin with "When I go back to school..." I've applied for a scholarship. In my brain, I'm already prepping my life for my grand return to college.

Then there's the other hand. The hand that is trembling in terror and uncertainty. I'm am plauged by doubt, and try to set myself up to be prepared for not being accepted into the program after all. I have vivd visions of making an ass out of myself during the interview. I have anxiety attacks while thinking that if I'm accepted, I won't be able to get the financial aid to go back. No one will ever give me a scholarship. My temples throb as I imagine how difficult the coursework will be, that I won't be as smart or as capeable as the other students. It goes on and on. This is the stronger hand, the one that grips me and chokes me, and refuses to let go.

So I will do what I've always done- take a deep breath and try to get from moment to moment, and before I know it, the interview will be over. And then I will wait again. And then I'll get an answer and figure it out from there.

Children's Poems

2008-01-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

This post is a part of Painted Maypole's Monday Mission. This week's mission is to write a children's style poem or story.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A Day In The Life Of K

It's a joy to be a pretty girl,
My golden locks I twist and twirl.
I love to paint my nails bright pink,
And act just like my poo don't stink.

When things aren't going quite my way
I whine and cry and wail all day.
My high pitched shrieks make parents crazy,
And makes their brains all kinds of hazy.

My brother makes me really mental
And with him I'm not always gentle.
I've been known to hit and fight
although I know it isn't right.

When I'm happy, I'm as sweet as can be
Honey and sugar has nothing on me.
My dulcet tones make birdies sing
My smile can cure most anything

To Hannah Montana I like to rock out,
Her music makes me scream and shout.
A rock star I will be someday
And all my mommie's bills I'll pay

A Day In The Life Of G

There are days when things are tough,
Expressing myself is pretty rough.
I ask the same questions again and again,
It's math books that I love to scan.

Star Wars is my greatest love,
From my sis I get a shove.
Food and I are enemies,
I don't even like most cheese.

Quiet and still, my affections are rare
But when I am sweet, I'm beyond compare.
My hugs are few, and kisses less,
But I'll give you love when you're under stress

I love my mom, I love my dad,
Even when they make me mad.
Though I may scream and I may shout
Of my true heart, there is no doubt

Brotherly Love

2008-01-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

Me: (relating the story of K's birth to my Mother-In-Law)... and then they had to suction out her lungs as soon as she was out. She didn't make a sound for the longest time, and I was so scared.

G: Why were you scared mom? Is it bad for babies to be quiet?

Me: Well G, when babies are born, they usually cry.

G: Why do they cry?

Me: Because being born is pretty scary. It's cold, and it's bright, and babies don't understand what's going on.

G: And K didn't cry?

Me: No

G: (after a thoughtful pause) Wow mom, K must be really brave. (in awe) She's so brave she didn't even cry when she was born.

And now back to our regularly scheduled sibling bickering...

It's Sticky! It's Fun! It's Pure Evil!

2008-01-22T17:01:00.000-08:00

When I came home the other night from work, I thought nothing of it to see K cruising around the house wearing a goofy hat. After all, K often wears a lot of strange things. It's part of being a fabulous princess/pop star with a unique sense of fashion.

After a bit, K resurfaced sans hat. As she turned around, I couldn't help but notice something wasn't quite right with the back of her head. After some squinting and head scratching, I called her over, and turned her around. This is the sight I was greeted by.

I gasped. I spluttered. I tipped my head.

Still there.

Now, I know what you're thinking: That's a whole lot of gum. But, here is where pure visuals lie, for, it wasn't gum, but Silly Putty.

Me: (trying to swallow my hysteria) K, where did you get Silly Putty?

K:I found it under the couch.

Me: (slowly turning 8 shades of purple while plucking at matted, sticky clumps of hair) And how did it get in your hair?

K: I put it there.

Ahh yes, because why on earth wouldn't you place a lump of Silly Putty on your head? Plugging my brain aneurysm with one finger, and plucking ineffectively at Silly Putty covered hair with the other, I shrieked for GH to bring me my computer, while in the same breath berating him for not noticing the Silly Putty covered head of our daughter, who informed me she had stuck it in her hair around lunch time.

After a quick Internet search, GH helpfully related to me that Silly Putty was a silicone based substance, so all we has to do was use something on her hair that broke down silicone. After screaming a few obscenities along the lines of "Who the hell knows what breaks down silicone!?!?" and ranting that I never took chemistry, GH proceeded to scroll down to where helpful mothers shared their own Silly-Putty-in-hair experiences.

After reading through the page, we decided that the hand sanitizer method sounded the most reasonable. Marching K up into the bathroom, I doused her putty covered locks in Purell, wrapped it in plastic wrap, and waited the suggested 20-60 minutes.

After 60 minutes (yeah, I waited the maximum just to be safe), I unwrapped K's hair and rinsed her head in the tub. And, miracle of miracles, the flesh colored goo came out of her hair.

Feeling relieved, I informed K just how lucky she was not to have had half of her hair cut off. I dried her hair, thanking the heavens for the Internet and web savvy moms. However, as the hair dried, I realized there was a problem. The place where the putty was was oddly sticky and greasy.

I doused her head with dish washing liquid. Shampoos, conditioners, even rubbing alcohol (another silicone destroying product- I swear I didn't invent that out of desperation) wouldn't take it away. After several days of washing, it's still oddly sticky and greasy in that one spot. I've made her wear her hair up to hide the remaining yuckiness.

I know it will wear out, eventually. Until then, I will continue to keep Silly Putty on my growing list of hated substances.

I Want To Be Hannah Montana When I Grow Up

2008-01-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks to watching repetitious hours of the Disney channel due to winter storms and below zero temps, my 5-year-old K is madly in love with Hannah Montana.

(This poster actually lives on K's wall)

But what little girl isn't? I mean, you can't avoid Hannah Montana these days- she is everywhere! Hannah Montana shampoo, Hanna Montana sheets, Hannah Montana snacks. Seriously, if I see Hannah Montana toilet paper, I'm leaving the country.

Hannah Montana is in the the news constantly. Her tickets sell for thousands of dollars, and her concerts have been likened to Beetle mania. And yesterday? One of her songs was on my radio station! It's bad enough that I catch myself humming Hannah Montana tunes while fixing dinner, but now she's officially invaded my grown-up air waves.

When all is said and done though, I guess I find myself wishing I could be Hannah Montana. I mean, the girl has everything! Fame, popularity, more money than she could spend in a lifetime, and the adoration of little girls all over the country. The adoration of my little girl! (I bet if Hannah Montana told K she wasn't allowed to have a candy bar before dinner she wouldn't burst into tears and storm out of the room. But, I digress...)Grown-ups appreciate her too for her wholesome image and inspiring songs about girl power, and so on. Plus? Being 15 again would be great. I mean, that was ages before things stared traveling south. If I was my 15-year-old self again, I would definitely be rocking it on stage. So keep on rocking it Hannah. Before you're old. And fat. It will happen. (Please let me be alive to see it).

So Hannah, though I may lament your cheery beats as they pop around in my brain, my daughter loves you, which means I guess I do a little too. Just please stay off my grown-up air waves- it's one of my few adult sanctuaries. Oh, and please don't get pregnant. I really don't want to have to try to explain that one to my 5-year-old.....

I Did It!!

2008-01-08T12:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took my Praxis exam. I was so nervous I was shaking and nodding like a complete idiot when I got to the testing site, and I think the test administer thought I was a bit off.

After 4.5 (see my stellar new mathematical skills?) of staring at a computer screen and fighting anxiety induced stomach cramps, I hit the button to finish, and waited as two out of my three scores were computed instantly. I needed a 175 on each part in order to be accepted into the program I'm applying for.

The Results:
Reading- 185
Math-180

Yeah me!!!! After several years of not taking any kind of test, or performing any math functions outside of basic adding and subtracting, I still passed.

Last night I packaged up all of my application materials, and this morning sent them out first thing. Now I wait. For up to two months. Wait, and imagine all of the applications, better than mine, piling up in the college admissions office. Waiting, and hoping a call will come. Waiting...

At least I can feel good knowing that I tried. Now at least I'll know if I was good enough to get into the program. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed, praying that I am.

I Love My Children But.....

2008-01-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

I love both of my children. Dearly. But sometimes, sometimes, I'd really like send them both off to military school. Just for a little while. Just long enough for them to absorb enough discipline to keep them from terrorizing each other. For the concept of honor to sink in just far enough to keep them from ratting each other out for every imagined indiscretion. To be self-sufficient enough that they can get their own glass of water while I'm on the toilet.

In an effort to make up for lost quality time with the kids, I took vacation time from work while they were out of school for Christmas break. I imagined cuddle time, story time, loads of backing, and fun craft projects. What I got instead were two stir crazy children. Even though we took them to the movies, traveled to the world's best sledding hill, and had parades of seldom seen, exotic family members tramping through the house, it just wasn't enough. We build gingerbread houses, baked sugar cookies, and cut out snowflakes. Still, nothing compared to the sheer joy of constant whining, and sibling bickering.

Yesterday was the kid's first day back at school, and my first day back at work. I was ashamed at the relief I felt at the calm, steady murmur of adult voices. GH reclaimed the house with glee, and I suspect he snuck in a nap and some computer gaming time (ass). With the welcome break from each other, I thought the evening would be a breeze. Sometimes I can be a real dumb-ass. Instead of happy children, pleasantly tired from a fun day of friends and stimulating learning, I arrived home to a temper tantrum from G, and two over-tired, hungry, crabby insane little midgets. And GH? I expected a relaxed, calm, house husband with dinner on the table. Instead, I was greeted with a hubby frazzled by the assault of the children,battling raging temper tantrums, and fighting over after-school snacks. Dinner was a over an hour late, lending its self to the general crankiness.

Hopefully today will be a bit more on track. In the meantime, I fantasize about military school. Perhaps they would let me send GH as well.....

New Year's Resolutions

2007-12-31T13:37:00.000-08:00

Painted Maypole's Monday Mission this week is to make a list of New Year's Resolutions. Since she kept hers on a serious note, I will too, since it's something I've actually been giving a lot of thought to lately.

1.) Get accepted into the teacher certification graduate program. This is by far the most important resolution of all. This is my shot at having the career I've always wanted. This is my shot at being truly happy at what I'm doing. I'm working hard to get in, and I'm praying they'll accept me. I will succeed at this.

2.)Find a new job. The job I have now makes me miserable. It forces me to work Saturdays. Right now, I have to cling to it to pay the bills while GH still remains unemployed. This past week, I've been sending out my resume to every decent job I can find. I'm working on it as hard as I can, and I know something will pan out soon.

3.) Loose at least 20 pounds. My waistline keeps expanding, and it's high time it start moving in the other direction. Though this is a resolution I've made before, this year I intend to make it stick.

4.) Improve my jewelry making skills, and other art skills. I've really been working on improving myself as an artist, and this year I'd like to improve even further.

5.) Do more craft shows. Last year I began bringing my jewelry to craft shows. It really helped improve my confidence, and I met a lot of other great artists. This year I want to do more shows, and bring a wider range of art. I hope to do a lot better this year.

6.) Get something published professionally. So far the highlight of my writing career has been a few freelance articles in the local paper. This year, I'd like to see some of my writing in a real publication that people read. And, I'd like it to be something more creative than the local high school's academic decathlon (no joke, that was one of the articles I wrote.

7.) Start saving money. All right, this is something I've always been terrible at. Setting money aside is tough, especially when things are tight. This year, I will put money aside if it kills me. This year is the car breaks down, or I need emergency dental work, I resolve to have money set aside so it will not bankrupt us.

8.) Keep in better touch with my family. Losing my grandmother really drove home how important it is to keep in touch with family, no matter how busy I get. This year, I will send out cards, send out emails, and make sure to attend more family get togethers.

9.) Be a better mother. Spend more time with the kids. Be more patient. Do more fun activities. Be more patient. Show more affection. Be less stressed out. Did I mention be more patient?

We'll see how well this list holds up throughout the year. At least it's here for me to check in on down the road when I start to loose sight of what's important.....

Praxis Prep a.k.a I Still Suck at Math

2007-12-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

Today I managed to find a wee bit of downtime to do some studying for my big Praxis exam, which I have to take for my application to the teaching certification program.
Though my former English professor assured me I would pass it no problem, I figured it never hurts to study and stress out about it until I have a bleeding ulcer.

So far, my studying has proved:

1.) I am still good at all all things English.
2.) I still blow at all things mathmatic.
3.) Math has not gotten any easier as I've gotten older. Despite the promises of many a math teacher, I do not use algebraic equations in everyday life. Ergo, I have forgotten how to do most algebraic equations.
4.) Numbers still make my brain hurt.

In conclusion, math is 1/3 of my test score. Looks like I'll be cozying up to fractions, decimals, and right angle triangles. Wish me luck with my super fun brain hemorage.

Is It Over Yet?

2007-12-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas is finally over, which means time to come out of hiding. Big sighs of relief fill the air, and the children finally began to stop shaking from the combination of sugar, exciting gifts, and visiting family. I am finally begining to be able to see my floor again.

I'm quite proud that I managed to get through the season, and even accomplish some of my list of wild ambitions. I actually sent out the Christmas cards. I made gingerbread houses with the kids. I finished almost all of the necklaces I wanted to give as gifts. Yeah me!

Now begins the time of empty bank accounts, deep thoughts as I ponder New Year's resolutions, and serious stress as I get everything together to apply to go back to school. On the plus side, I will have more time to blog, more time to create, and more time to focus on the ones I love, now that things are settliung back to normal. I even have fabulous photos to post..... eventually.

The Holiday List of What Could Have Been

2007-12-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

Full of the holiday spirit (i.e. frustration and guilt) I've decided to jump in on Painted Maypole's Monday Mission this week and create my own holiday inspired list.

My list is The List of Holiday Good Intentions, aka The List of Things I Really Meant to Do This Year for Christmas, But Will Not Complete:

1. The adorable little hand puppets I intended to make for my nieces and nephews. The materials sit in a bag, the googly eyes staring up at me accusingly, the super soft fake fur begging to stroked and loved.

2. The Christmas cards. Every year I vow to send these out. This year, I bought the cards and filled them out. They are now sitting in the box, waiting for cute pictures of the kids, stamps, and addresses. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow.

3. A gingerbread house. I downloaded some spectacular gingerbread house plans from Bob Villa himself. Visions of adorable, edible villages dance in my head. Instead, I made some gingerbread men. Even those didn't manage to get icing.

4. Handmaking all my gifts. Please see previous post for all the lame details.

5. Listing new items on my Etsy site. I really wanted to take advantage of the holiday buying season to sell some lovely new items to potential buyers. But no, even the promise of extra Christmas money couldn't inspire me to find the extra 10 minutes to get this done.

So there you have it, the top 5 reasons why I suck at Christmas this year. I think my family should be pretty grateful we have a tree up at this point. So please, feel free to bask in the complete and utter failure of all my best holiday intentions.

A Half-Assed Handmade Christmas

2007-12-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

In my "spare time", I make jewelry, and various other crafts, and attempt to sell them on a site called Etsy. This site offers a great, super-supportive marketplace, and community for independent artists and crafters.

Well, this year, in the spirit of avoiding toy recalls, and support all things handmade, the lovely crafters at Etsy started a campaign to get people to give only handmade gifts this year, either made by yourself or a fellow crafter.

Even though I didn't stick the icon on my blog (because I'm lazy and HTML, even copied and pasted, still freaks me out, I took the pledge to keep my Christmas handmade.

For the women in my life, the easy answer was jewelry. They would all receive a piece of jewelry. The men would receive scarves, the only thing I'm capable of knitting. For all of the kids, I decided to make fun, timeless, hand puppets. Oh, and for certain families, quilts. No biggie.

With the best of intentions, I went out and bought all of the supplies. Yards of fabric for the quilts. Fake fur, googly eyes, and felt for puppets. Glass, chain, and beads for jewelry. Piles of yarn for knitting.

Then my grandmother passed and I spent an unplanned for week in Vermont. And then I decided to go back to school and needed study time for the PRAXIS exam. And then my bum tooth got infected and incapacitated me with days worth of pain, followed by days worth of antibiotics and Vicodin. And so on. All of these things and more stealing away precious days of gift making time.

In short, here is the handmade gift total as of now, 10 days before Christmas:

1 scarf in a light lime green no man will wear
7 half completed necklaces

I blow. Does it still count if I hand make the cards?

I will keep an ongoing total of what I manage to complete from my overblown ambitions. Feel free to laugh and point, and taunt me freely.

Life Changes

2007-12-12T06:07:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like the passing of a loved one to make you take stock of your life, especially the things that are most important to you. It also makes the regrets that much sharper and clearer.

With all of that weighing down on me, I've taken careful inventory of the pantry of my life. There were a lot of dusty cans and boxes that I pushed to the back of the shelves like so much creamed corn. Some of them were labeled things like "Staying In Touch With Relatives" or "Sending Holiday Cards". I've dusted each one off and have promised myself not to let them be forgotten again.

One of the biggest, bulkiest boxes I've pulled out was "Career". This is one that that gets neglected the most often in the crush of needing to pay bills and take care of day to day duties. In the box are my dreams of being a teacher and a writer, resting next to my hard earned English Literature degree. It's this box that I have made the most demanding promise to tackle.

The one thing that is standing in the way of my dreams of teaching, is an official state issued teaching certification. While I was in college, I was all set up to earn this in conjunction with my English degree. Unfortunately, with the demands of being a single parent at that time, I just couldn't finish the educational portion of my degree. I told myself that would be fine, that I could just find a job teaching at a private high school that didn't require teaching certification.

Little did I know what a pipe dream that was. Out in the real world, even private schools want certifications, or experience equivalent to one. After an ambitious round of job applications, I put my teaching dreams in a box and shelved them. I pursued jobs in publishing, but in Maine, these are few and far between, and even with my degree and previous experience, I was denied time and again. With that, those ambitions were tossed into the same box, and shoved out of sight, out of mind, while I took the best job I could in order to pay the bills.

And here I am now, with I job that is frustrating, and out of my field. While it is rewarding, and does pay the bills, there is no future for me where I am now. It's not what I worked four long years to achieve. It's not my dream.

Now there is an opportunity staring me in the face. At a local college, they offer an intensive program for people who already have a four year degree to earn their teaching certification in just 9 months. It's a grueling dawn till dusk program, and I wouldn't be able to hold a job while I was in it. I contemplated applying last year, but chickened out and missed the deadline. I told myself that it was impossible.

But now, after staring at this box, dust covered, and brimming with faded, but powerful dreams, I tell myself it is possible. If GH can find a decent job, and I can pull off some serious student loans, it could happen. It would mean sacrifice for all of us, but in the end, it would pay off, I just know it.

The first application deadline is January 9th. There's little time to make it on that first list. I've emailed former professors who have promised me the required letters of recommendation. Today, I took the ultimate step and called to arrange to take the required Praxis exam on January 7th. It was a large chunk of money, and it's right at the deadline, so I have one shot to pass, to get it right.

So I'm doing it. No more giant dusty boxes. Life is to short to not be doing what I love, what I've always dreamed of. No more boxes, tins, or cans of regret.