I recieved the news the past week that I was selected to interview for the graduate program I'm applying for. The interview is on Monday, and since recieving the news, I've been a nervous wreck. Not only that, but I've been moody and irritable. This news, that I've passed through the first round and was deemed good enough to interview, has me all tangled up.
On the one hand, I'm ecstatic. I'm one step closer to getting into the program. To being a teacher. To actually achieving my dream. To finally proving to myself, that I'm good enough. I find myself saying things that begin with "When I go back to school..." I've applied for a scholarship. In my brain, I'm already prepping my life for my grand return to college.
Then there's the other hand. The hand that is trembling in terror and uncertainty. I'm am plauged by doubt, and try to set myself up to be prepared for not being accepted into the program after all. I have vivd visions of making an ass out of myself during the interview. I have anxiety attacks while thinking that if I'm accepted, I won't be able to get the financial aid to go back. No one will ever give me a scholarship. My temples throb as I imagine how difficult the coursework will be, that I won't be as smart or as capeable as the other students. It goes on and on. This is the stronger hand, the one that grips me and chokes me, and refuses to let go.
So I will do what I've always done- take a deep breath and try to get from moment to moment, and before I know it, the interview will be over. And then I will wait again. And then I'll get an answer and figure it out from there.