This morning GH and I had an appointment to meet with G's school psychologist to go over the evaluations she's done, discuss her findings, and to answer a whole slew of new questions.
Thanks to this impending meeting, I slept poorly last night, and this morning was an anxiety ridden, Type A freak fest. I rousted GH out of bed who grumbled and asked what I was flipping out for. K needed a lunch packed for her fist school field trip, I was in such a frantic state that I didn't realize I packed a peanut butter sandwich until about 15 minutes ago. The kids school is strictly peanut-free, and I'm usually super diligent about follow the no peanut code. Now I'm just hoping the teacher doesn't think I'm an ass, and wondering if K will be able to eat her sandwich.
When we sat down to begin the meeting the psychologist, a very sweet and attentive lady, shared with us what she had found so far. In tests regarding G's cognitive abilities, G shone. His intelligence level is incredibly high, and the psychologist was stunned with how bright he was and how fast he picked up new tasks. We basked in that moment. Of course we always knew G was brilliant, but it's a hard thing to say out loud without sounding like, well, a loving parent. But now, there before us in graphs and numbers, was proof of my troubled child's brilliance. It took all I had not to ask for a photocopy to stick on the fridge.
Next, the psychologist assured us that she saw no need to worry about depression, something GH and I have indeed been worrying about. She told us after speaking with him, and asking a variety of questions, she didn't find any red flags for depression problems. A huge knot loosened in my chest. Now, when G screams, in one of his rages, that he hates himself, I will still be hurting for him, but know that deep down, everything's all right.
And then came the questions. The first round was a lot of questions about socialization and emotion. Does G recognize emotions in other? Does he show a knowledge of what other people are interested in? Does G have trouble interacting with groups of other children? Some of them, the answers were easy. Others, GH and i talked back and forth about, letting the psychologist pull out the answers she wanted.
After a second round of similar questions, the psychologist let us know that the first series of questions was geared specifically for determining signs of Asperger's Syndrome. She said when she was done analyzing the information, in conjunction with the information she's gathered from G's teachers, she would be able to tell us how probable it was if G indeed has Asperger's. Finally the answers we've been looking for. They're within reach, after so much time.
Amidst an impromptu fire drill, the psychologist told us she would be sending us a full report of her findings, so we could share them with our doctor, and with anyone we chose to consult with for further evaluations.
As the answers draw closer, it brings with it a whole new set of fears. What if G doesn't have Asperger's? What if it's something I'm totally unprepared for, something I haven't read up on? What if I don't know what to do? And, perhaps the strangest fear of all- what if they find nothing? What if it turns out that I just don't know how to deal with my overly intelligent child? What if it's just my parenting that's causing his fits, his frustrations and his eccentricities? What if all of this is my fault?
So, I will continue to worry, as I do everyday. I will keep telling myself that some answers will be coming soon. And I will try not to think about the fresh worries that the answers will bring.