Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sleepless Nights

The past two weeks have been plagued by sleeplessness. The stress, the anxiety, has finally decided to manifest itself in endless tossing and turning, in vivid, startling dreams, and babbling nonsense to my husband in my sleep.

GH still hasn't found a job. The bills pile high, threatening to drown me. I fight, I swim, I struggle to keep my head above water.

G's evaluation results are almost ready. The school psychologist said she wants to call us and talk to us on Tuesday before she sends them out. Did she find something so bad she wants to break it to us personally? Or, did she find nothing, and wants to let us know we're the nutty ones here?

K has been acting out now too. We suspect it's because she's jealous of all the attention G has been getting lately. I found my deodorant crushed and smeared on her furniture and rug. She emptied a bottle of detangler, though I have yet to discover where. She snuck into the kitchen and shoved a cinnamon roll into her mouth, dashing to her room to hide it, like a greedy little chipmunk. The list goes on. We will deal with it the best we can, as always. If I start finding decapitated Barbie dolls though, I'm running away from home.....

My work is suffering. My mind slips from lack of sleep, anxiety makes me jumpy and irritable. I have a quiz tomorrow as part of my medication certification. I worry I won't pass.

I feel unfulfilled in my career. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. But being a teacher requires more school, and we can't afford for me to be out of work. Being a writer requires time and talent I'm afraid I no longer have. Putting myself through college as a single mother, all the work, all the dreams, seem for not.

I'm failing. I'm falling. I'm suffocating. Sleep will continue to slip away...


Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I don't know the history, but I might be able to offer insight into why the school psych wants to talk to you before sending out the report. I'm an SLP who used to work in (several) school systems. It's just the protocol for the school psych to go over results in person with you, whether it's good news or hard to hear news. Hope that helps that toss. As for the others, I wish you peace and Tylenol PM.

Christine said...


I'm sorry you are going through this...I can relate to the financial stress. I hope things look up for you SOON; keep writing. I'll keep reading.

Tylenol PM is is a nice dose of red wine.

mmrw said...

The way you write this so perfectly captures that awful late night feeling when everything comes crashing down.

I hope these things begin to become more manageable very soon.