Friday, April 20, 2007

A Letter to My Darling Boy

Dear G,

There are so many words I need to say to you. So often you don't listen or just don't understand the things that I need to communicate to you. So often my own frustrations get in the way and distort the things that come out of my mouth. So often we just miss each other completely.

I wish there was some way to tell you just how much I love you. You were my first child, and my first true love. I never knew that your heart could ache so much, could strain so hard to beat out of your chest, until the moment I held you. Once you were in my arms, I never wanted to let you go.

In the nearly seven years that have passed now, you've pushed away from me, becoming an independent, and often moody, little man. In the past few months you've screamed at me and told me how much you hate hate me. You've called me "Mr. Meany" (I still don't understand the "Mr.") when I make dinner you don't like, and kick the walls when I have to take away your computer time. Your words, your tears, your hurt has cut me deeper than I knew was possible.

I've cried for you too my darling boy. Every time you're in the grip of one of your fits, when I know you just can't help yourself, I cry because I know there's nothing I can do but wait it out and come to hold you when you're finally calm again. I know there are things happening within you that you just don't understand, and I cry tears of frustration for you. When the pediatrics department tells me there's a year long wait before you can see someone who can help you, I cry a little more.

I know that deep-down you always know that I love you. I tell you over and over that no matter how angry we are at each other I will always love you. When you speak to me like a little grown-up I tell you that I love you. When you smile I tell you I love you. I tell you I love you a hundred times a day. I'll never let you forget that.

My heart will always ache as it tried to contain how much I love you. I'll always want to hold you forever. Some how, some way, I'll help you to slay all of these dragons that are standing in your way right now.


Your mom, forever and always