Cabin Fever

This past week, Mother Nature decided to be funny. Just yesterday, she brought record high temps of 59 degrees to our Maine January, and our snow has slowly been melting into a memory and exposing highly confused grass in our backyard.

The chicken coop yesterday

The deceptive warmth has made my skin itch to dig in the dirt, to get building my raised beds, to see chickens frolicking. But reality tells me it's still January. It reminded me again this morning by dumping an unexpected snow storm on us. As I slipped on a patch of ice on my way to clean off my snow covered car, ending up on my ass in the snow, I really did not appreciate Mother Nature's sense of humor.

The chicken coop this morning :(

Reality also tells me that I have a full-time job, a family, and other various life issues (like the week long flu) that are just scheming to suck away all of my project time. Motivation escapes me on a regular basis, and bits and pieces of my potential projects stare at me accusingly, like the old windows I collected to make my greenhouse. Or the Mavis approved growing system that has yet to have any seeds started in it.

But, these things WILL get done. My commitment to having a thriving, self-sufficient, urban backyard paradise has not waned. Now, I just need to find some time.....

The Big Chicken Decision

We are finally closing in on getting the fencing in for our chickens. I spent all day Saturday clearing the area needed of copious amounts of snow, and with some serious nagging of GH, I'm hoping to get the frame erected, then the mesh up together. The master plan is to be able to pick up six lovely pullets this weekends.

Now, the real hard part - deciding on what breed(s) to get for our lovely backyard patch. The local farm store where I'll be picking them up has five breeds of pullets currently available:

                                                                      Golden Comets

                                                                   Silver Wyandotts

                                                                  White Leghorn

                                                                         Brahmas

                                                                       Delawares

 

 

 

Since our city only allows a flock of six, this is tough choice. I consider the chickens to be the cornerstone of all of my self/sufficiency projects. In short, this means productivity is high on the list, followed closely by Winter hardiness and general temperament.

 

 

My research has me leaning towards the Leghorns - these seem to be the most productive of the available breeds. However, I really like the look of the Silver Wyandotts best out of all them. I'm thinking of possibly doing a mix, but I'd really like to make sure my flock is harmonious.

 

 

Here's where I enter a plea for help - Please, experienced chicken owners, what would your advice be for selecting my small backyard flock with these breeds available? Help!

Seed Saga Continued

To my suprise and delight, I received a lovely email from Katie Wagner at Peaceful Valley appologizing again for the issues with the shipping of my seed order. She went on to say they couldn't figure out where the fluke occurred that caused the delay, but to make it up to me, they were returning the shipping and handling I paid on the order.

It's things like this that really make a difference to me. I don't have a lot of money, so when I spend it somewhere I like to know my business is appreciated, as measly as it may be. This has gone a long way in redeeming Peaceful Valley in my eyes. Hopefully I can place another order in the near future to see how it goes the next time around.

In the meantime, I'm still very excited about my chicken forage seed mix - can't wait to grow it and see if it is chicken approved.

The Depths of My Garden Mania

If this post doesn't get me committed, nothing will......

So, now that I have seeds in hand, and will begin indoor germination soon, I decided it was time to formulate a battle plan for the garden layout.

I had already decided to do raised beds using the Square Foot Gardening method. Having purchased the book about two years back, this has always been the most practical approach to me, especially doing a backyard, urban garden at a rental property, and desiring high yields for my time and effort.

In my 4' X 4' raised beds, I knew the next step was to determine how much I wanted of my various vegetables, and then how to plant them with "companion" vegetables that would be happy together and help encourage each other to grow to it's maximum potential.

Doing this was an effort in algebra, advanced chess, and Machiavellian strategy. The end result netted me a total of eight raised beds, but I think I've gotten everything mapped out in proper order.

Viola!





Ignore the missing lines down the right hand sides of the beds - my Paint skills are a bit lacking......



 

 

If any more experienced gardeners have any tips of suggestions regarding my layout, please feel free to let me know. Till then, I'm going to go rest my brain......



Updates

A little catching up from the holiday week:

Update #1: Seed Fever

My seeds finally arrived from Grow Organic (Peaceful Valley), coming in at just under a month from when I ordered. Everything was there except for my onions, which I had already been informed would be another month's. Boo. However, after my last post, a very nice rep from Grow Organic emailed me to let me know she was looking into what had happened to delay my order for so long. Still haven't gotten a follow up on that, but I'll give it a little more time I suppose.

On the plus side, yeah seeds!

So lovely

I'm really hoping the chicken foraging mix is worth it, because at this point, it may be the product that brings me back. We'll see.

In the mean time, I've placed another seed order, this time with Botanical Interests. This is the company my idol Mavis uses, so I'm hoping they come through. I ordered a whole bunch of seeds, including some overlap of what I ordered from Grow Organic. I'm going to do a kind of Pepsi challenge with this year's crops to see what grows best, and what I'll go back to next year. Results, and general frustration to follow as things progress.

Update #2 : Projects

Not a lot of movement on my planned projects. However, I have found a potential local source of 55-gallon food-grade barrels for $30 a piece. Score. Work has said I can scavenge a few of their wooden pallets. My reclaimed windows continue to sit in my garage, waiting for the day they will be transformed into my greenhouse.


Update #3 : Chickens

There is a coop in my backyard. There is fencing in my garage. Still no chickens yet, but we're moving closer.......

Update #4 : Neighbors

I made retaliation cookies just in time for Christmas and delivered them to the neighbors via my own adorable minions. Then, yesterday, I met neighbor mom face to face. She's very cute, very young, and apparently, far better then me. Just as I feared. When I casually mentioned I have a horse (always my cool card) she responded by telling me about her high-school career riding Dressage on Stephen King's horses in Bangor. I nearly choked to death. Sorry neighbor wife, you're apparently far too cool for me - this is now abundantly clear.

Update #5 : The Girl

After several people we knew shared with K that they too had suffered taunts and torments throughout school, I think she felt validated. She also got a mountain of new clothes for Christmas. Hopefully she feels a little better equipped to face her first day back at school today after the holiday break.

Seed Frustration - GrowOrganic.com

In my frenzy to get things going for this year's up coming garden, earlier this month I was taken by seed fever. I needed seed packets in hand to begin plotting my raised beds, to make and remake plans of a fruitful garden while greedily hording my seeds.

Since I had the time, I decided this year I would get some truly spectacular seeds, not just a fistful of Burpee's from the local home improvement store. I wanted heirlooms. I wanted to carefully select my varieties for hardiness and flare. I wanted to shop with careful consideration.

Since I didn't really know of any reputable sites offhand, I decided to go with www.groworganic.com. I liked their website, the prices were reasonable, and they had a vast selection of seeds with fantastic descriptions of each variety, as well as some customer reviews.




Cute huh?

After pouring over the various seeds, I finally placed an order. At checkout I was told a few of the items were on back order - no sweat, after all, it's not like I was planning on planting tomorrow. The bulk of the order, I was told, would ship out in just a few days and I would receive an email confirmation when it shipped. This was on December 6th.

And so I waited. After a few days I checked my account on the site and it assured me my order would be shipping out the 14th. And so I waited some more. No shipping email. Frustrated, I checked back in on the site on the 20th. Nothing had shipped, even the order still stated it would be shipping out the 14th. Irritated, I used the handy-dandy Live Support feature. After giving the nice text box lady my order number, she told me she couldn't understand why my order hadn't gotten shipped out, and she would make sure it went out that day. Satisfied, I waited some more. No shipping email.

Now on the 26th, truly ticked off, I wrote them an email, asking them to let me know what was going on with my order or to refund my money so I could place an order somewhere else. I received a response that my order was indeed shipped out on the 20th (so much for a shipping email), and I was led to believe it contained everything but my onion bulbs, which I was told wouldn't ship out until January 22nd. I guess it's a good thing I placed my order early as I may not receive anything till Spring at this point.

According to the tracking number they provided, my seeds are in CT today, so should hopefully be here soon. I'll double check everything thoroughly when it arrives to ensure everything was included. I'm really disappointed, especially since I ordered from www.groworganic.com specifically for the chicken forage seed mix they offer. I don't think I'll be placing any more orders with them in the future. If anyone has any other great sources they know of for seeds, I'd love some suggestions.

Pin-spiration!

Hi, my name is Sarcasta-Mom, and I'm a Pin-aholic.

It began innocently enough - a pin here and there, a recipe or two on a heavy day. Really, at first I wasn't even that into, I swear. But all the cool kids were doing it, and before I knew it, I was hooked.

A little Grumpy Cat just to get me going in the morning:

 

 

Then maybe a recipe or two - a little bonus if it involves crescent roll dough:

 Perhaps a little fashion for the size 2 me?

Damn Size 2 Me - you'd look great in this!

And then I'd be good. I swear, I could stop anytime.

But now I've gotten into the hard stuff - self-sufficiency projects. Now I'm awash in re-purposed wood pallets and 55-gallon food grade barrels. Now I now what a 55-gallon food grade barrel is. And chickens - beautiful, egg producing, walking garden gold. I must have them all!!!!! Mwa-ha-ha!

Not a day goes by when I'm not pinning about rain barrels, or garden layouts. There is a stash of old old windows in my garage, just awaiting the day when they are transformed into this:

Oh Pinterest, you are a cruel and creative mistress indeed!

Heartache

Lately K, our darling girl, has been less than darling. She's been rude, abrasive, and just plain mean. We've been pulling our hair out loosing our minds, and frankly, wondering how the hell we're ever going to make it through the teen years if this is her at 10.

Finally last night, I pushed the issue - I told K she needed to talk to me, to tell me what's going on, that I missed my sweet little girl. She pushed back - she didn't want to talk to me. I told her I just wanted to help her. I asked her if someone was hurting her. She yelled. I held my ground.

Finally the dam burst. In between heart-wrenching sobs, K told me how sad she was. She told me how all the girls at school were making fun of her, mocking her clothes, telling her she's fat, shunning her because she doesn't do gymnastics. She told me she wanted to be thin, to be athletic, to have the right clothes. She said the girls ask her where she got her clothes, and when she said Goodwill, they reacted with disgust and more torment. When she wears the pants her grandma made her, pants she loves, they make fun of her. When she wore her red cowboy boots that her grandpa got her, they asked her where they were from, and when she said Garnet Hill, they told her it was a hillbilly store (for those of you who aren't familiar with Garnet Hill, it's a very high end store, not a hillbilly in sight. Clearly these terrible little girls have NO idea what they're talking about). It went on and on, every cruel word pouring out on a flood of tears.

I held her tight, and my heart bled a little more with every word. I had wondered why the beloved cowboy boots had only been worn a handful of times, why the cute clothes that she had once loved so much remained in drawers, forgotten.

One of the things we always laugh about is K's crazy sense. She has always picked out her own clothes with garish gusto. She has always told us she's an individual and proud of it - and I've always been proud of her because of it. While she doesn't do gymnastics, she is a natural horse woman, and has competed in shows with confidence and grace. It takes a lot of athleticism and skill to do that.

We do not have money. My husband has been out of work for almost a year now, and making ends meet sometimes takes a small miracle, and a lot of juggling. I have always taken a certain amount of pride in the fact that I've managed to give the kids everything they need, even if sometimes it's second-hand. And now, that pride has turned to anger and shame. I'm angry that I can't give my daughter the "right" clothes. I'm ashamed because these girls have chosen to embarrass my daughter because I'm to poor to keep her in style.

I also knew just how K felt. I was never popular growing up. I was always a little on the heavier side, and I never had quite the right pants, or accessories. I'll never forget the day in 7th grade when I went to sit down at the lunch table with my friends - and they all picked up their trays and moved to another table. It still hurts. My freshman year of high-school was spent at a boarding school because the teasing and torment was bad it was driving me to a nervous break down at 14.

Things got better in high-school. I embraced the fact that I was different and found friends who celebrated that. I even managed to have a "popular" friend or two. Things got better as I got older and learned what what really important. I think a lot of people have had similar journeys.

And so I do my best to impart this wisdom. I tell K that she is beautiful, and smart and talented. I tell her that these thin, fashionable girls pull other people down because that's the only way they know how to feel good about themselves. I tell her she doesn't have to answer to these girls when they ask her where he clothes come from. I tell her she needs to stick with the friends who love her for her, not for her brand name clothes. I tell her I love her and she's one of the most amazing people I know.

What I don't tell her is that I want to hurt these girls and their shallow parents who give them these standards of worth. That I want to shake them, and hurt them, and make pay for ever making her cry. What I don't tell her is that I want to buy her clothes from Justice, and a phone, and gymnastics lessons, and all the things she thinks will make it better, make it stop. Because as much as I value individuality and strength of character, I just want to fix it, make it all go away.

But I don't tell her these things. Instead I pour words of love and strength into her wounded heart and hope that it's enough to help her heal. She stops crying and tells me she feels better. I hold in my own tears until she's asleep.

I hope I have the strength to protect her heart and keep her smiling. I hope that I can give her the humor and support it takes to navigate the sharks.

The Neighbors

One of the inevitable pitfalls of moving to a new neighborhood is new neighbors. As a rule, I tend to be pretty hesitant to meet new people, while GH is total social butterfly. This often causes a bit of friction as GH badgers me into trying to make new friends, while I insist a semi-hermit existence suits me just fine, thank you.

The neighbors that live just on the other side of our fence have become GH's most recent pet project. Just after we moved in, GH went to a local concert and happened to meet this "really cool" guy - only to find out days later this "really cool guy" was our new neighbor. GH wasted no time becoming friends, even going to another concert with him a few weeks later.

I have yet to meet "cool guy" or his wife. Or their six kids. Yes, six kids - that terrifies me. GH keeps insisting that we should get together with them, hang out, etc. I keep insisting my friend quota is full up, and I don't want to get involved in any new potential neighbor drama. Stalemate.

Then, a move I wasn't prepared for. While I was at work yesterday, one of their child-shaped minions dropped this off with GH:

He texted me and let me know there was a box from the neighbors. He suspected it contained baked goods, but insisted on waiting for me to get home to open it.

It was indeed full of baked goods:

Cute little homemade cookies of every shape and size. Damn.Well played neighbors. Well played.

Deep Breath

So many things. Too many things. That is the story of this life.

So many things have changed since I last checked in with this blog. There's a new house. There's a new outlook, new life plans. Change and progress and all of that happy nonsense.

In light of all that, I've decided to give this blog a face lift and a new perspective. I've changed the layout, and I'm sure it will continue to morph as I pick up some tech savvy skills. Most importantly, I'm changing the focus here.

Over this past year, due to many factors, I've given a lot of thought to life in general - what's important, what makes me happy, how to live the best life I can for me and my family, etc. In the end, it's all come down to one concept - simplicity.

One thing that a lot of people don't know about me - I'm a farm girl at heart. I love growing veggies and my roses. I love farm animals and the smell of fresh hay and manure. Luckily my best friends own the farm where I board my horse, and I can go there whenever I'm in need of a farm fix.

What would really make me happy, is a farm of my own. Unfortunately, life has decided right now I need to live in a small city. Bugger.

Recently however, I've discovered there's a large movement of people who are doing small scale farming and various self-sufficiency projects right in their backyards, in cities all over the country. The concept has me excited and inspired. I've obsessively researched plans, methods, concepts and techniques. I am ready to begin forging ahead.

I'm hoping that maybe my ventures will help inspire other people to give some of these concepts a try. If not, maybe then just a good laugh as I try to make it work? Either way, I'm hoping to have fun and maybe learn a little something. Always worth a shot, right? And of course, there will be plenty of "life stuff" to fill in the blanks......

 

 

 

The brilliant tomato planter we created from an old round bale feeder up at The Farm this past Spring. Can't wait for Spring...

The Music in my Head, the Dance in My Limbs

The 9-5, the days that repeat, are a line dance. Each step is predictable, a veritable march towards the next careful half turn. Comfort in knowing exactly what comes next. Half asleep and apathetic is fine as long as you know when to turn to the left

Small ballets slip in. They are moments, fluid and beautiful, that take you by surprise. Sometimes the tears come, and the breath catches. We are held, and sometimes it's painful, the sadness, the beauty, crystalized into razor sharp shards.

R&B/Rap throbs, is heat and rhythm. Physical, primal, hands and sweat. Sex with a sting. Pride, and anger, and showing the world that your the hardest, the basest, the meanest.

Seduction slides along a Latin beat. The steps are known- the rules there, but unspoken. Gazes lock and the world falls away. A slow burn, a buzz born in the hips, building, smoking, slithering. Passion carefully leashed, exploding on cue.

An industrial beat clutches my heart, skewing the rhythm; coursing adrenaline and anxiety build. Talons shred my grey matter with each off kilter beat, too fast, breaking all the rules. It's a cat 'o nine, licking your back, each painful lash driving you forward in a frenzy of total madness. It's tearing my hair out, letting go, ideas beating against my skull, choking me with the need for their release

Depression is a modern dance. It's jangled, tangled and painful. The music is pieces that have been injected into a blender, and spewed out in a confused slurry of sound. There's falling, stuttering, disjointed movement. The body bends at impossible angles, trying to keep pace with sounds that make no sense.

There are moments so pure their are Broadway- clean, loud and obvious. Country moments reach out to God for comfort and strength. Jazz moments skip along and slide smoothly when called for.

A dance step. A syncopated beat. A flutter of life.

Back on the Horse

Life takes us in seriously strange directions sometimes. Looking at my last blog post (Ridiculously long ago) it struck my as funny at how many things had changed since then, how I had changed.

One of the biggest things that occurred in this time, was a giant upheaval in my battle with depression. While its hard for me to admit out loud, I've always struggled with depression, and now, more than ever, I realize just how important it is to talk about that openly and honestly.

This past spring, things came crashing down around me in a big way. My health was in trouble, and I had to leave my job. Debilitating depression swallowed me whole. I was mentally comatose, frozen in my helplessness, sinking into darkness.

With the help of my family, in large part my mother, and the aid of new medication, I was finally able to claw my way back to a semblance of life. I sucked it up and made a go of doing my jewelry full time- and it worked! Through my daughter, I rediscovered my passionate love of horses. I lived in the sun, and had one of the best summers of my life.

And now, during the slow season for jewelry, I've taken and office job through a temp agency and am catching up on winter bills. While being back in an office is a struggle for me, I can now look ahead to the sun, and not let it bring me to such a dark place. There is hope, there is faith, and for once, there is the promise of light.

Bad, Bad, Bad....

So, I've been bad. Bad, bad- the world's worse blogger.

Sometimes life just moves to fast to distill it on a blog page. Sometimes it's just so slow that there don't seem to be any gems to share. And sometimes....well..... I'm just plain tired......

Since I last touched base with the blogging world, I've gotten a new job. After almost two months of searching, I'm working in a warehouse running auto parts. It's hard. It's dirty. I have bruises, scratches, and pain everyday. I've also lost almost 20lbs now. There aren't many things that are too great about it, except for the fact that I get to work with one of my best friends, and I have a steady paycheck again.

On the kids front, well, G has decided that school is boring, but is doing well in all of his classes. He got shot over the eye by a neighbor's pellet gun. He's loving Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and working on writing his own book with a friend. The same one who shot him in the face.

K is not doing do hot in school this year. According to her teacher, she's been having a much better time socializing with her friends than doing any actual work. We're having a parent teacher conference on Tuesday, and I'm not looking forward to it. She's far to smart to be acting like a dumb ass......

GH is working a new job as well and is enjoying it. Good for him.

The dogs are fabulous. You can always visit them at www.chihuahuapages.blogspot.com

I promise to be here more often......

And Life Goes On

Well, it has officially just passed a month since I've been out of work.

This month has taught me a lot of things. For instance, being a full time mom is hard work- and I love it. I think I may even be getting good at it. I've even "adopted" a few kids in the neighborhood to take with us on our various day trips. These kids have told me I'm a cool mom, and those words have meant more to me than any praise I've ever received at any job.

I've also learned how to live on virtually no money. This is a lot of work as well. During the week I've been taking the kids to the free lunch program they do through the school system. At first, I was a little embarrassed to go, but frankly, we need it, and the kids love it. The people there are really nice and have never made me feel ashamed. Through that program we even learned of a free monthly community dinner that we went to the other night. I've learned to swallow my pride along with my food.

In order to make money, I've held a yard sale, done some dog sitting, and sold as much of jewelry as I can. I squeeze pennies 'till they cry. And even now, amongst the stress of having no money, I feel better than I have in a long time. I'm finding myself again, and feeling good. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and focused on the things I love.

I still have decisions to make about my life as I continue to apply for jobs. If I can make it work, I'd love to find a way to stay at home. If not, I'll take another job and not allow it to eat me from the inside again. In the meantime, I have craft shows I'm registered for, kids to entertain, dogs to play with, and, well, life to live....

360

Once again, I vanished from the blogging world to deal with life issues. I was so mentally ill due to harassment I was receiving at work that I could barely function, let alone blog.

I'm happy to report however, that thanks to my doctor, my counselor, and the support of my family, I found the strength to leave that toxic environment and take back control of my life. Even after a few days I'm already feeling more like myself than I have in a long time.

It was impossibly hard to make the decision to leave my job. After all, I'm the main financial support of our family, and in this economy, it's harder than ever to find a job. But I had to. I was suffering, and in turn, my family was suffering.

And now it's all about getting back to things I enjoy, and that includes blogging. I know I'm going to have to work hard to reestablish all of my bloggy relationships, but I look forward to getting to know you all again :)

It's All Relative

Lately G has been really interested in the Bible and going to church. Even though my husband and I don't have an active faith, we both agreed we would never deter the kids from exploring religion. Unfortunately, G asks a lot of really technical questions about God and what not that I just don't know how to answer. I told him the next time he saw GH's grandma, he should ask her about it, as she's an avid, but not fanatical, church goer.

When GH's grandma came up for a visit a few weeks ago, they talked a lot about the Bible. While we were driving to the beach, grandma began telling G the story of Moses. At one point she told G that Moses' mother taught him all about the faith and the history of the Israelites.

G thought about this for a moment.

"I bet she didn't have to tell him a lot of things. There wasn't a lot of history way back then."

Leave it to G to glean this piece of information from the story of Moses.

Back

So, a week or so ago I decided to take down this blog. Things have just been so stressful lately, that I felt I no longer had anything worthwhile to share. I figured my little blog wouldn't be missed.

But surprisingly, things have happened this past week that really made me want to write a post here. And you know what? Hell with it! So waht if I'm not as witty or entertaining as other bloggers? Who cares if sometimes I'm a total bummer? This is my blog damn it, my outlet. So there.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, here's what is currently stressing me out:

1.) Our basement has been flooded with sewage, along with the apartment building next door that's connected to the same sewer line. The carpet, and furniture in our basement guest room is soaked in sewage and causing our house to reek of mildew and plague me with nightmares of eColi. The landlord is doing what they can, but it's just not enough, or fast enough for my peace of mind. Last night GH and I were on our hands and knees in the basement removing sewage soaked carpet for the rent reduction our landlords have promised. The verdict? I do not look good in disposable coveralls and rubber gloves. Go figure.

2.) Work has been a challenge lately. I'm feeling a bit burnt out, and having fantasies of starting my own dog grooming business. Nothing unusual there. If only I could hurry up and win the lottery already.

3.) The kids have been stir crazy from a long winter, and are expressing it by generally irritating the crap out of each other. I'm so glad it's finally nice enough to send them outside.

4.) Owning our first house seems so close and yet so far. I've done all things that are humanly possible to fix our credit, and now it's just a waiting game for the scores to go up. I'm terribly impatient. I want to be in a new house NOW! The waiting without being able to do anything is just killing me.

And of course the others. Money. Not sleeping well. The upcoming craft fairs I'm not prepared for. Figuring out what to do with my life. So, as I muck through it, I will continue to post here. It's much better than strangling friends and family.....

Lame at Life

I've been waiting and waiting to post something interesting, funny, quirky..... waiting, and waiting. Apparently my life is pretty lame of late, with nothing even remotely interesting to report.

On the plus side, after paying off my collection accounts in February, my credit is finally starting to turn around, and it looks like we'll be able to start looking into a house this Fall at the latest. Yeah! I'm meeting with a mortgage company today to see what I can do to my credit up as fast as possible. In the meantime, I've been drooling over house available for a few more months.

I'm still employed, and every time I hear about someone losing their job, I say a little "thank you" to the Universe for making sure I still have one. Let's please keep that up Universe.

Worry Wart

I've always been a worry wart. This in turn, has made me into a planner, so that I could try to combat all of the worries I could possibly foresee. My planning skills make my husband mental, but keep me feeling as secure as possible.

These days the worries are all the more intense- from worrying about keeping my job in this ever sinking economy, to worrying about something happening to my kids, to worrying that I'll never be able to own a home with the credit market the way it is. Worries, worries, worries, everywhere you turn.

Aside from rabid planning, worry often turns in to anxiety. Lately when small things begin to snowball in my stressed out brain, the anxiety builds until my skin becomes hot an itchy and my insides feels like their going to turn inside out. The anxiety hovers on the edge of my consciousness, always ready to strike, to put me in a strangle hold of fear and tension.
It breaks up my concentration, and leaves me out of focus and irritable.

Though I've been trying different ways to help me through the anxiety attacks, I think I'll always be a worrier at my core. But, it's not always a bad thing. Worrying over bills keeps me on top of our finances. Worrying about the kids keeps me a vigilant parent. Worrying about loosing my job makes me work harder in order to keep it.

So here's to my worry, and to all of the other worriers out there as we try to muddle through the best we can...

You Know You're a Lame Ass When........

- New area rugs are the highlight of your month

- Invited to go out for drinks at one of the hippest places in town, with some of the coolest women you know, you decline in favor of crawling into your pj's and cuddling with your dogs while watching the latest episode of Dollhouse

- When you find yourself looking forward to taking your daughter to see the Hannah Montana movie, because it will an exciting night out on the town

- The last place you went out to eat ended with the word "buffet" or featured people in costumes
-"Sleeping In" is anything past 6 a.m.