Life Changes

There's nothing like the passing of a loved one to make you take stock of your life, especially the things that are most important to you. It also makes the regrets that much sharper and clearer.

With all of that weighing down on me, I've taken careful inventory of the pantry of my life. There were a lot of dusty cans and boxes that I pushed to the back of the shelves like so much creamed corn. Some of them were labeled things like "Staying In Touch With Relatives" or "Sending Holiday Cards". I've dusted each one off and have promised myself not to let them be forgotten again.

One of the biggest, bulkiest boxes I've pulled out was "Career". This is one that that gets neglected the most often in the crush of needing to pay bills and take care of day to day duties. In the box are my dreams of being a teacher and a writer, resting next to my hard earned English Literature degree. It's this box that I have made the most demanding promise to tackle.

The one thing that is standing in the way of my dreams of teaching, is an official state issued teaching certification. While I was in college, I was all set up to earn this in conjunction with my English degree. Unfortunately, with the demands of being a single parent at that time, I just couldn't finish the educational portion of my degree. I told myself that would be fine, that I could just find a job teaching at a private high school that didn't require teaching certification.

Little did I know what a pipe dream that was. Out in the real world, even private schools want certifications, or experience equivalent to one. After an ambitious round of job applications, I put my teaching dreams in a box and shelved them. I pursued jobs in publishing, but in Maine, these are few and far between, and even with my degree and previous experience, I was denied time and again. With that, those ambitions were tossed into the same box, and shoved out of sight, out of mind, while I took the best job I could in order to pay the bills.

And here I am now, with I job that is frustrating, and out of my field. While it is rewarding, and does pay the bills, there is no future for me where I am now. It's not what I worked four long years to achieve. It's not my dream.

Now there is an opportunity staring me in the face. At a local college, they offer an intensive program for people who already have a four year degree to earn their teaching certification in just 9 months. It's a grueling dawn till dusk program, and I wouldn't be able to hold a job while I was in it. I contemplated applying last year, but chickened out and missed the deadline. I told myself that it was impossible.

But now, after staring at this box, dust covered, and brimming with faded, but powerful dreams, I tell myself it is possible. If GH can find a decent job, and I can pull off some serious student loans, it could happen. It would mean sacrifice for all of us, but in the end, it would pay off, I just know it.

The first application deadline is January 9th. There's little time to make it on that first list. I've emailed former professors who have promised me the required letters of recommendation. Today, I took the ultimate step and called to arrange to take the required Praxis exam on January 7th. It was a large chunk of money, and it's right at the deadline, so I have one shot to pass, to get it right.

So I'm doing it. No more giant dusty boxes. Life is to short to not be doing what I love, what I've always dreamed of. No more boxes, tins, or cans of regret.

Back From Blogger Hiatus

Recent developments in my life caused me to M.I.A from the internet in general. I have fallen behind in reading my favorite blogs, and way behind on posting myself.

The biggest event that kept me offline was the death of my grandmother. There were a lot of family issues involved there, and it's taken a while for me to pull my head together, and to make sure my mother was on stable ground.

Now that things are settled, I have some catching up to do; blogs to read, stories to share, and holiday madness to kvetch about. Can't wait to jump back in and get caught up.

Failure

Well, in case it's not painfully obvious, I have officially failed both NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. It's sad, but true. I went for far too much at at once. I was spending every moment glued to my keyboard, and stressing out as I fell further and further behind. In the end, I decided the endeavors weren't worth my sanity, especially when the only reward was my own self-satisfaction. Frankly, I think sanity is much more valuable commodity.

So, now that I've stopped having anxiety attacks every time I approach my laptop, I will try to enjoy my blogging once again. Perhaps next year I will try to commit creative suicide once again with either NaBloPoMo or NaNoWriMo.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled insanity......

The Christmas Gift Dilema

All right, as I posted yesterday, I'm working on handmade gift ideas for my family and GH's family for Christmas. Here are the ideas I'm working on:

-Quilts
-Scarves
-Hand painted boxes
-Jewelry

This is where I am, and I have to start pulling things together. I'm in desperate need of some ideas to make these gift ideas cohesive, maybe make the scarves match the quilts. Or, just make one quilt per family and call it good. I just don't know.

Is it wrong that I'm already wishing Christmas was over?

Homemade Christmas

Due to the financial stresses of this year's holiday season, I've taken it upon myself to make all of the adult Christmas gifts for this year. I've started knitting, painting, and cross-stitching. While I don't have a coherent theme for my homemade gifts yet, I'm praying something will emerge. I'm hoping my family and GH's will appreciate the time and effort that I put into the gifts, and look past the fact that cost little money.

The kids are helping as well, painting ornaments and bird houses as gifts and decorations. At the grocery store this weekend, there was a food drive going on, and I had K help me pick out a few cans of soup to donate. I explained that while we didn't have much right now, there were other families that were much worse off, without even enough food to eat. She was very excited about helping out other people. I'm really hoping that the financial hardship of this year's Christmas season will at least help to teach the kids about what's really important in our lives.

On the plus side, it seems that this year Christmas is going to be held at our house. Nothing is definite yet, but it seems to be on the way to full out confirmation. I'm excited, and nervous. It will be fun to be the one who gets to take over Christmas, the cooking, the traditions, being able to let the kids have Christmas at home. But at the same time it's sad- It will be the first Christmas we won't spend in my parent's home. It's a huge change, and an admittance that my parents are growing older. I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be the grown-up house, to do the airport picking up, coordinating the gift opening, do the cookie decorating, etc.

So it seems that this year will be a year of many changes, of shifts in attitude and tradition. I just hope I'm a grown-up enough adult to bear it with grace, and not cry a little when my sister and I can't sneak into my parents room (as we've always done, right up till last year) and beg them to let us go downstairs and open presents at 3 in the morning.

Shoes, shoes and some..... shoes

Thank you to Lawyer Mama for tagging me for her shoe meme. She's one of my very favorite bloggers, and I'm excited to be tagged by her :)


I've never been much of a shoe person. As a total tom-boy, and then teenage hooligan, I never developed the proper girly love for shoes. I never properly conformed my feet to the rigors of high heels. Combat boots and other boot-like shoes were pretty much my standard. Even sneakers were a rarity.

Well, after finally growing up a bit and becoming a working professional and a mom, I've tried hard to change my attitude about shoes. I was successful in learning to love them- unfortunately I've still never gotten the hang of wearing most of them



These shoes are a prime example of shoes I love, but can't wear. I bought them during one of my many promises to myself to learn to wear heels. This photo is the first time they've been on my feet since buying them in the store two years ago. I own several pairs of shoes like these. They are beautiful, delicate, with slender, arching heels. They make my feet look elegant and sexy. Then I take three steps in them, and it feels like my feet are broken. So, they all live together in my closet.

The shoes that I actually wear daily are boring and flat and go with everything:

They are black, they are cotton, and they cost $8.

The other pair of shoes are my "weekend shoes"

They are still flat, cotton, and serviceable. But, they have super cute skulls. I can go to the craft store in them in still feel care free. I can go grocery shopping and feel like a rebel.

Last Minute Craft Show

Looks like I'll be selling my fabulous crafts at a craft show tomorrow. This is so last minute that I'm in a bit of panic. All right, in a LOT of a panic.

With that said, this is my post for today. I'm going to be up all night trying to create as many crafts as possible. Wish me luck!

The Tooth Fairy's Rebuttal

The following is the note that was found beneath G's pillow this morning along with $3

Dear G,

I am very sorry that I didn't come to get your tooth the night before. I hope you weren't too upset. You see, my Tooth Fairy magic told me you would be loosing another tooth today as well, so I decided to get them both at once instead of making two trips.
Keep up the good work in school and be sure to listen to your parents. I'll visit again the next time you loose a tooth.

Love,

The Tooth Fairy

"I'm A Bad Mom" Moment

Yesterday, G lost a tooth at school. They gave him a neat little treasure chest to put it in, and he dutifully tucked it under his pillow, eager for the Tooth Fairy to visit.

Exhausted after a full day of training, I crawled into bed to rest, and promptly fell asleep. So did GH.

This morning when I went in to wake G up, he presented me with the little green plastic treasure chest, still holding his tooth. He wondered why the Tooth Fairy hadn't come. I felt so bad that tears swam in my eyes as I tried to make up plausible excuses for why the Tooth Fairy hadn't made it. Luckily G concluded that the Tooth Fairy had found the treasure chest to heavy. I vowed to myself that the Tooth Fairy would make it up to him tonight.

Today when I got home, G presented me with another tooth in another small plastic chest. Two teeth in two days. Tonight the Tooth Fairy will have to do triple duty just to make up for her utter lameness of last night.

I hate these moments, the moments of feeling like a complete failure as a mom. It's these magic moments that make childhood so special, and to fail at even one of them is crushing. And my excuse? That I fell asleep? That's the most shameful of all.

Pooh-Pooh On You

While watching some mind-numbing weekend morning cartoons with the kids, I was treated to the new and improved Winnie the Pooh. Now called "My Friends Tigger and Pooh" there have been some interesting changes in the 100 Acre Wood. Gone is Christopher Robin; he's replaced with a spunky little red-head girl named Darby, complete with spunky little puppy. Also added to the cast is Lumpy, a cute little Heffalump. Remember back in the day when Heffalumps were the terrifying beasts that made everyone shake in their shoes? Yeah, not anymore.

Oh, and sometimes they solve crime. They don baseball caps, call themselves "Super Sleuths" and solve crimes. Little ones. That never turn out to be actual crimes. But that's besides the point.

Besides the general wholesomeness of the show, the best part, from a parental standpoint, is that the main characters are essentially the same. It was great for nostalgic value. It was also interesting to look at these beloved characters from an adult's more jaded and cynical view point.

While munching pancakes and sipping coffee, I realized all of the beloved characters from Winnie the Pooh could be broken down into very distinct personality stereotypes. Let me demonstrate (And remember, it was early. During coffee early):

Rabbit- Classic Type-A personality. Rabbit loves everything a certain way. Everything in his house is in neat rows, and every item has its proper place. Even gardening, usually a relaxing hobby, is a battle with bugs who threaten to ruin the perfect symmetry of Rabbit's garden.
Rabbit has a tendency to spaz out. When things don't go according to plan, or things or out of place, he totally loses his carrots. The grabbing of the ears, high pitched yells, and frantic dancing from foot to foot are clear displays of intense anxiety. Rabbit's neurotic tendencies are negated however, by his rare, but touching, displays of kindness.

Eeyore- A seriously depressed pessimist, Eeyore probably should have been given some Prozac ages ago. He chooses to let life beat him down, not bothering to look for his own lost tail, and refusing to seek shelter from the rain. He seems happiest when he has something to be miserable.

Piglet- Talk about neurosis; Piglet makes Rabbit look like a hippy having a field day. This little guy is scarred of everything. Perhaps it results from some deep childhood trauma, as he has even developed a persistent stutter. I fear Piglet may be something of Germ-a-phob and a borderline Agoraphobic as well- he is constantly cleaning and is loath to leave his house if even the slightest thing goes awry. I feel Piglet would benefit from some intensive therapy.

Gopher- A clear workaholic. Gopher is forever tunneling, often without any clear need. He is always willing to lend a hand- as long as it involves digging. He never takes time off, celebrates any major holidays, or speaks of any close family.

Owl- This is the guy you hate to run into at parties. He's the know-it-all who will talk your ear off for hours, constantly needing to demonstrate how much smarter he is than you. He will reference the most obscure tombs of literature in hopes you've never even heard of them, and then act shocked and dismayed when indeed, you've never heard of them. This behavior most likely stems from a whole host of insecurities.

Kanga- The epitome of motherhood, and, quite interestingly, the only female in all of the 100 Acre Wood. Kanga is your classic Donna Reed mom. She often wears an apron, and is almost always baking. Her voice is soft, warm and feminine, and she has never raised it to shout at the rambunctious Roo. In fact, her son is so much a part of her that only do their two names together make up one whole animal. On the other side of the coin however, is the fact that there is no Mr. Kanga. Is Kanga perhaps an early feminist? An advocate for single mothers? Hmmm....

Roo- A child, plain and simple. Mischievous, fun and innocent.

Tigger- A total extrovert who leaps before he looks- quite literally. Spontaneous, fun and fearless Tigger is willing to tackle, or at least bounce on, anything that gets in his way. He can be pushy, often shoving his friends into adventures in wish they don't wish to participate.

Pooh- And now, the star of our show. A starry eyes optimist, Pooh is always ready with a giggle and a far-fetched idea. Though he claims to be a "bear of little brains" he is actually quite clever when it comes to getting what he wants. After all, who but a clever bear could pull of dressing up like a bee, floating around on balloons, and singing to bees in order to get honey? It is possible that Pooh may be an obsessive eater however. There is little he thinks of beyond his next honey fix, and his tummy is constantly "grumbly".


So, which Pooh character personality do you relate best to? I consider myself a combination between Rabbit, and a tad bit of Kanga.

Lame Post

Yes, today I am lame. I am tired. And not very creative. But I want to keep up with NaBloPoMo. So here's my post.

There once was a woman from Maine
She wrote this post so lame.
These blog filled weeks
May make me tweak,
And drain all the thoughts from my brain.

Mom Visit

My mom came up this afternoon, and will be staying with us for a week or so. I'm so relieved.

Life has been more than difficult lately. GH has been out of work for nearly two months now, and his completely lack of motivation is suffocating me. While I've tried to be supportive and patient, I've reached the end of my limits. I have been receiving no support, financially, emotionally or otherwise. While I won't go into anymore detail, because deep down I still do love the man, I'll just say, it's been incredibly hard.

With my mom being here, I'll finally have a bit of support. Someone to talk to and understand my frustration, and overwhelming stress and emotional exhaustion. The kids will have some undivided, loving adult attention, which they sorely need. While they do receive love from GH and I, we've been under incredible stress, and with my exhaustion on top of it, tempers have been short, and patience has run thin.

In short, I'm looking forward to a week of coming home to a clean house, hot dinner, happy kids, and maybe even a pie. All of the things I should have had these past two months with my "house husband". But I'm not bitter. Just crushingly depressed. And angry. Oh, and bitter.

NaBloPoMo

As most bloggers know, this month is NaBloPoMo. This translates into committing yourself to writing one blog post a day for the entire month of November. I'm attempting it, but already I'm feeling the burn.

Perhaps it burns even more because I'm participating in NaBloPoMo at the same time I'm participating in NaNoWriMo- National Novel Writing Month. This is where a bunch of ambitious idiots attempt to write a novel of 50,000 words in the month of November. You're supposed to write 1,660 some odd words a day. It's supposed to be a great way to write without worrying about editing, to free your mind and let creativity flow. It's also a good way to inspire suicide as you watch the word counts of others mount with incredible speed on the NaBloPoMo website, while you struggle to make the daily minimum.

I may fail at one of these. I may fail at both. By the end of the month I may have completely killed my will to ever write again. Pray for me....

Haiku Friday

Thanks to A Mommy Story and Playgroups Are No Place For Children, I decided to get all ambitious today and do two posts. Now, for Haiku brilliance...



Halloween candy
Fifteen pounds sitting at home
Chocolate calls me

A long-ass work week
A tired mom home for kids
I yearn for nap time

Kids high on candy
Wish they made sedative treats
Sugar buzz madness

Blogger posts each day
November NaBloPoMo
Wonder if I can

Parent Teacher Conferences

Last night we had G and K's Parent Teacher Conferences. Working mother that I am, I managed to finagle an evening spot for each of them, both on the same night. Not an easy feat in the world of elementary school.

K's conference was first. We weren't surprised to hear that she's doing well, is a fast learner, and is progressing nicely on all of her skills. We spoke briefly about K's recent acting out, and Mrs. E suggested K see the school counselor again to talk over her frustrations.

After that, it was brief interlude for dinner before G's conference. Because of the time constraint, I chose to bring them to the evil empire of McDonald's. I feel guilty just writing it. But, in the name of time and convenience, it had to be done.

Unfortunately, it seemed everyone else in town had the same idea for dinner. For the first time ever, I ordered our food, and then had to stand and wait for a good 15 minutes for our food. The kids were thrilled by the extra time to cavort in the play room, but I grew steadily more anxious as G's conference time grew nearer. When the food finally arrived, I chanted for the kids to bolt down their food, another big parental no-no, I know.

With only seconds to spare, we made it to G's conference. His teacher gave us a glowing report, assuring us that G had been doing well at controlling his outbursts, and was very kind and courteous. She did note however, that more often than not, he chose to play alone, or "parallel play" with other children. He also had trouble recognizing his own spacial boundaries in regards to other children. Of course, this only goes further in reinforcing what we already knew.

Good reports well in hand, we headed home after another long evening. I can't wait until tonight, with an actual dinner at home, and maybe some real, honest-to-goodness time to relax.

Halloween Hell Walk

This Halloween, we decided to hit the neighborhood with one of our neighbor's, who's son is G's best buddy. Both K and G were ready and a rarin' to go when I arrived home from work. GH was feeding the kids when I walked through the door, and quickly hustled the kids into their costumes to make our 5:30 trick-or-treat date with our neighbor.





Don't they look great? G was a fabulous vampire, and K, well, she was a princess/witch, basically a witch minus the ugly.

We headed out, full of Halloween excitement, to tackle our neighborhood. The kids had fun visiting their friends houses and collecting a bag of candy, that grew steadily more bulky by the house.

Soon, we had finished our normal Halloween route, but Neighbor Dad insisted on pressing on, warning us that he intended to hit every house possible on every side street within walking distance. Not to be outdone, we agreed to keep going.

Soon, all of the kids were weary, complaining of heavy bags, and they all began to sit down on the lawn of as many houses as possible. when neighbor son began to lag and actually lay down on lawns, Neighbor Dad insisted he keep going. Soon, K began to stumble on almost every other lawn she crossed. All kids complained about the weight of their bags. GH and I stuffed our pockets full of as much candy as we could to alleviate the weight. Neighbor Dad had brought an extra heavy-duty canvas bag which he emptied his son's candy into. At one house, Neighbor Dad asked the kind woman handing our candy (dressed as a giant blue M&M no less) if he could have a couple of plastic bags. He gave them to GH and I, and we unloaded G and K's excessive candy into them to keep their arms from falling off.

At about 7:30, we all took a break at Dairy Queen where they were handing out free ice cream to trick-or-treaters. Ever resourceful Neighbor Dad managed to get all of adults a cone as well.

Refreshed from this brief interlude of sitting and getting hydrated, the kids were once again ready to go. I was not. After a full day of work, no dinner, and carrying a huge sack of candy for a few miles, I was wiped. GH was in the same boat.

On the other side of the neighborhood, we searched for houses that still had lights on, which were now few and far between. The houses we did manage to stop at were eager to unload their extra candy, and the kid's bags grew heavy once again.

On the last stretch, everyone was miserable, except of course for Neighbor Dad. AS we approached home and Neighbor Dad insisted on a few more houses, his son declared loudly "I think I'm gonna die!" and collapsed on a lawn. Neighbor Dad prodded him up, insisting that he buck up and think of the months worth of candy he was collecting.

We finally got home at 8:30. I have never trick-or-treated so long, or so aggressively in my life. The kids were a tired, wining wreck, and had to be quickly hosed off and sent to bed. I collapsed myself soon after.

Today, I have my first official Halloween hangover. Looking at the two bags of Halloween candy each that G and K had sitting on the counter made my feet throb. My head has been pounding all day, and I'm exhausted. I can only imagine how the kids are faring at school.

At least they'll have tons of candy for a good long time, which is of course, just what they need (note the sarcasm). Happy Halloween.....

Evaluation Update: Some Answers

We have finally received the full report on the evaluations they've done for G through his school. The school psychologist (who has been amazing through this whole process) called both GH and I first to explain what it is we'd be seeing on the report, what it meant, and what the possibilities for G's school future looked like.

The first thing that was addressed, once again, was G's incredible intelligence. All of his cognitive testing confirmed that he is above normal intelligence, which gives him the need to be constantly stimulated and challenged. When this is lacking, it causes G a lot of boredom and frustration. Though they don't begin testing for Gifted and Talented classes until third grade at G's school, it was suggested that we all try to work together to make something happen for him sooner than that.

On the emotional and social side, it was determined that G was lacking some critical connections. Combined with his intelligence level, it made the gap that much wider. To make a long evaluation summery short, it was determined that G has a high probability of Asperger's.

Unfortunately the school psychologist can not give us an official diagnosis. However, with these tests already in place, and the the determination of Asperger's in place, it should make the official diagnosis piece that much easier.

Excited with the progress, I called the specialist who's waiting list we're on for G's further evaluations and diagnosis. Since I hadn't heard anything since I sent them the initial paperwork, I wanted to check that he was still on the list, and fax them the school evaluations to put in his file. The secretary confirmed that he was put on the list in April, and reminded me that it was up to a year out before someone would be available to see G. Six months down, perhaps another six to go before we receive the final, definitive answers.

Even though nothing is officially official quite yet, at least now we have some validation as parents for what we've been experiencing for so long. Now we can tell ourselves that we're not just ignorant parents who don't know how to respond to their own child, but parents who have faced a challenging situation the best we can while operating blind.

We will be meeting with G's school team again soon to start to work on what's best for G in his school life. Now that we have a little more light, I hope it will keep us from running into the walls, at least for a little while.....

Sleepless Nights

The past two weeks have been plagued by sleeplessness. The stress, the anxiety, has finally decided to manifest itself in endless tossing and turning, in vivid, startling dreams, and babbling nonsense to my husband in my sleep.

*Toss*
GH still hasn't found a job. The bills pile high, threatening to drown me. I fight, I swim, I struggle to keep my head above water.

*Turn*
G's evaluation results are almost ready. The school psychologist said she wants to call us and talk to us on Tuesday before she sends them out. Did she find something so bad she wants to break it to us personally? Or, did she find nothing, and wants to let us know we're the nutty ones here?

*Toss*
K has been acting out now too. We suspect it's because she's jealous of all the attention G has been getting lately. I found my deodorant crushed and smeared on her furniture and rug. She emptied a bottle of detangler, though I have yet to discover where. She snuck into the kitchen and shoved a cinnamon roll into her mouth, dashing to her room to hide it, like a greedy little chipmunk. The list goes on. We will deal with it the best we can, as always. If I start finding decapitated Barbie dolls though, I'm running away from home.....

*Turn*
My work is suffering. My mind slips from lack of sleep, anxiety makes me jumpy and irritable. I have a quiz tomorrow as part of my medication certification. I worry I won't pass.

*Toss*
I feel unfulfilled in my career. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. But being a teacher requires more school, and we can't afford for me to be out of work. Being a writer requires time and talent I'm afraid I no longer have. Putting myself through college as a single mother, all the work, all the dreams, seem for not.

*Turn*
I'm failing. I'm falling. I'm suffocating. Sleep will continue to slip away...

Haiku Friday

Part of Play Groups Are No Place For Children's fabulous Haiku Friday :)



Bills I have to pay
Can I live without cable?
Food is essential

Siblings fighting loud
Their voices pierce the morning
Coffee won't fix it

Children do strange things
Makes me want to scratch my head
Small funny weirdos

Yeah for Haiku fun
Gives me good things for my blog
Less work for my brain

Meme

Watch Me, No Watch Me! has tagged me for a meme, and I couldn't be happier. This is the first one I've ever been tagged for. I feel like a cool kid now :)


4 Jobs I have had:
Victoria's Secret- Yeah for employee discount!
Advertising Sales- Painful, oh so painful...
Trade Magazine Editor- My favorite job by far
Working with adults with disabilities- Rewarding, but oh so stressful

4 Movies I love to watch over and over:
Fried Green Tomatoes
The Princess Bride

4 Places I have lived:
Vermont
Kentucky
New Jersey
Maine

4 TV shows I enjoy watching:
LOST
Heroes
Law and Order: SVU
Buffy The Vampire Slayer (yes, it's off the air, but I have all seven seasons on DVD)

4 Places I have been:
Mexico City, Mexico
Moscow, Russia
St. Petersburg, Russia
New Mexico

4 Websites I visit daily:
Everyone on my blog roll
Hotmail
Etsy
The Superficial

4 Favorite Foods:
Fried Chicken
Anything Mexican
Anything Asian
Anything Indian

4 Places I would rather be:
At home working on crafts
Playing with the kids
On a tropical island, laying on the beach
Back in college


Thanks again to Watch Me, No Watch Me!