Gift To Myself- Haiku Friday

I have dreamed of it
Far to long a fantasy
Photo envy pain

Now surprise money
Some extra in my account
It will now be mine

Oh Canon Rebel
Soon we will be together
Making great photos

For years now I have dreamed of owning an SLR camera. I have drooled, I have dreamed and I have longed. Now, thanks to a small, unexpected windfall, my dream camera will be mine. A Canon Rebel XTi is on it's way to me as we speak.

After sacrificing college, and suffering financially for months, I don't feel guilty about spending the money on myself. It's my birthday present to myself, the mom who's gone without birthday gifts for years.

Of course when it gets here, I'll probably be overwhelmed. I'll feel the guilt over buying something so huge for myself. I'll be suffocated by the anxiety of spending so much money. But for now, I'm going to enjoy imagining all of the wonderful pictures I'm going to take......

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. Funny just how little that seems to mean the older you get. This morning, neither my husband or my kids remembered to say Happy Birthday. The morning was salvaged by breakfast out with a co-worker, and a client of ours who had a birthday today as well. I tried not to be to depressed about the fact that that breakfast at Denny's would probably be the highlight of my birthday.

Today I wrote to the college I was accepted to and told them that I had to withdraw my acceptance into their graduate program. GH still does not have a stable job, and I just can't afford to go back to school this year. I'm doing my best to choke down my sorrow and disappointment. I keep reminding myself that sacrifice is part of being an adult and a parent. Some things just have to come first.

On the plus side some things, big things, look to be happening with my jewelry making. I have my first big show of the season in two weeks, and it has the potential to be a big money maker. Also, through a series of random events, I've stumbled into a very promising relationship with a local rock and gem shop. I've agreed to produce a line of new-age, healing stone jewelry for the shop, and I'm taking custom jewelry jobs from random customers. If all things there come to full fruition, it may mean steady work designing jewelry. I like to think that maybe the universe is making up for me having to give up college- or perhaps even pushing me in another direction.

So Happy Birthday to me. Another year survived and under my belt. Another year to look ahead and to hope for more, whatever that may be.

I Married The King Of The Dorks

Me: Honey, you need to get up

GH: *mumbling from under the covers*

Me: Seriously, you need to get your ass out of bed!

GH: I'm gathering energy from the earth. I'll be up in a minute.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Me: Sweetie, can you please come help me with dinner?

GH: There is no dinner. There is only Zorg.

Me: Fine, then can you please come help me make some Zorg?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


GH: (Wraping up some really long boring story about some argument he was having in his online Lord Of The Rings game) ... and so then I just said "You Win!" because that's the only way to really win an argument. It makes the other person look like a total jerk.

Me: Hmmmmm (thoughtfully) Did you consider just saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

GH: You obviously didn't get the point. That would have been totally immature.

Me: How about "I am rubber you are glue."?

GH: No, that's still immature. You just don't get it.

Me: Honey, have you ever stopped to consider that you're a grown man playing an online fantasy game? I think you may have missed my point.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I love him to death, but did you catch that he plays Lord Of The Rings Online? Can I just point that out again for the record? Just call me Mrs. Dork.

Seriously, Is It Me?

On Friday, I had one of my client's steal a $200 check out of my office. I work with adults with MR, and have learned infinite patience and understanding, but this, well, this just pushed me over the edge. Granted, it was a client with a history of theft and deception, but it also happened to be a client I had just spent two days worth of serious quality time with. Naive as it may sound, I just didn't think she'd pull something like that with me.

When I confronted her, my eyes swam with tears of hurt and anger. I managed to be calm and professional, but part of me? Well, part of me wanted to throttle her and scream "What the hell were you thinking!?!?!" Once again, I was left feeling betrayed, furious, and like a complete sucker.

So seriously, is it me? Do I give off some kind of pheromone that prompts thievery? Tomorrow, I'm dousing myself in some kind of aura cleansing hippy oil.

Princess of Thieves

This past week has been a veritable crap storm. A few highlights include:

- After having my "Service Engine Soon" light come on, my car broke down and required a lengthy tow and a new starter. After it was repaired, the engine light went back off.

- Yesterday the "Service Engine Soon" light came back on. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

- I didn't get the promotion I applied for at work. Instead, my best friend got it. I've diligently choked back sobs as I tell her I'm happy for her, and listen to her ramble on and on about how great life is going for her.

- GH has still not found a job, and with each day that goes by, I worry more and more that I won't be able to go to graduate school.

With all of that lovely garbage going on, one more incident was enough to send me straight over the edge. As if the universe knew this delicate calculation, ti decided to send me one more thing.

Yesterday, on a rare Saturday off, I took the kids out to lunch, (which I couldn't really afford) and then to the local craft store, which was doing a free craft project for kids. G and K had a great time decorating bookmarks, and picked up a super duty craft epoxy I've been needing with my handy-dandy 50% off coupon.

Since the day was going so well, and it was so beautiful outside, I decided to take the kids to the park. Sitting on a nearby bench, I watched the kids play, squealing with delight, lost in the dusty melee of other screaming, flailing kids. A short while later, the kids discovered their favorite friends were there, and their mom soon joined me on the bench for a rare adult/mommy moment.

After some time, K came over to the bench with her little friend and sat beside me. That's when I noticed something clutched in her hand. It was a gift card from the craft store we had just been at. With a few questions, it was revealed by K that she had taken it from the store. Seething with embarrassed fury, I told her she was in a world of trouble when we got home. She hid under the slides while I gathered up G and headed home.

When we arrived home, I told GH what had happened, and we had a very serious discussion with K about how serious stealing was. We told her how it hurt and embarrassed her family. We told her that it hurt the store and it's employees. We told her that if she was an adult she could go to jail, that stealing was a very serious crime. We talked, she cried, and eventually we sent her to her room for the evening.

Today I took K back to the craft store, stolen gift card in hand. We returned the coloring book I had bought for her yesterday, and asked for the manager. Pulling her aside, I had K explain what she had done, and give the gift card back to manager. I explained that K had to return her coloring book and was grounded for a week and that she understood what she did was very wrong. The manager was very kind and understanding, and we agreed that K would write the store a letter of apology, telling them what she had learned from this experience.

And now I stew, in embarrassment, hurt, and a permeating feeling of crushing failure. This isn't how I raise my children. I know that this happens with most kids at some point, but I guess I didn't think it would be my kids. Does anyone? After all, my kids know how hard we work for every dollar. They've been brought up to respect hard work and the value of everything. Could I somehow have done it wrong?

Since it appears my life has gone completely white-trash this week, looks like I won't be quiting smoking this week either. Maybe I should just grab a Budweiser, turn on WWE and admit defeat....

*UPDATE*
Only a few hours later now, and GH has discovered two more stolen items in K's room. One, a container of bubble gum from Blockbuster. The other, a tube of lip balm from Wal-Mart. She's 5 for God's sake! What is going on with my child?!?!?!

Tomorrow, we're removing the toys from her room for the week, and she will be spending her time in there after school and after dinner. We're hoping a week with no toys at all will teach her to appreciate what she has. She's also not allowed to come with me to the store for a long while. I'm just not sure what to do.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really appreciate it. Until then, I'll be watching Jerry Springer and preparing for my future.....

Craptastic-ness

Tuesday on my way to work, I stopped to get gas at the 7-11 as I usually do. They have the cheapest gas in town, but unfortunately only two pumps. Seeing that both pumps were occupied, I pulled into a space in front of the convenience store to wait. Since this was the day I had decided to quit smoking*, I stayed firmly planted in my seat, resisting the urge to go buy a new pack of Camel Lights (*and yes, I smoke. This is a big dark, dirty secret which I have now revealed. In my defence though, I never smoke in the car, or around my children. I only smoke at work where I have the very real potential to go postal)

When I saw the car at the pump closest to me pull away, I sighed heavily in relief. Checking behind me, I began to creep out of the space. I turned my eyes forward for a moment to check my front end, and *BOOM*. BY car jerked to halt, and I began to swear loudly,as I turned behind me to see the rear end of my mommy wagon planted firmly in the side of a small white BMW.

I pulled quickly back into my space, shaking violently and still swearing under my breath. I dug in my purse for a scrap of paper and a pen to exchange insurance information. After asking BMW lady if she was all right, we exchanged our information, both of us flustered and unsure that we had given each other what we needed. There was a swath of white paint on the corner of my bumper, but nothing more. I winced at the dent in her driver's side door, streaked with my car's blue paint.

After our awkward exchange, we both went to the gas pumps, where we stood across from each other pumping gas, trying to avoid each other's gaze. Afterwards? I marched my fanny into the store and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Later that day, my car insurance company called to let me know they had determined I was liable for the damage since I had been pulling into the lane of travel. Even though she had appeared out of nowhere. Even though she was obviously darting in to steal the empty pump. Insurance asshats. I'm still waiting to see what her damage claim is. I'm pretty sure I'll be paying my full $500 deductible. I may have to sell body parts.

Did I mention the lady was driving a BMW? I'm going outside for a cigarette.....

Lameness

I haven't posted lately, and frankly the only excuse I have is that I'm lame. Seriously, the queen of all lameness.

Here are some things I could have blogged about but never found the time for:

- K asked if she could go to a sleepover at a friend's house. I told her, at 5, she's too young to have a sleepover, especially at someone's house who I don't even know. And besides, she didn't even have an invitation. Well, the next day, she brought home an "invitation" that her and her friend had concocted at school. It was hilarious. I meant to take a picture and post it, but it got wet and the ink bled while it was on the counter. Grrrr.

- I received a letter informing me that I had been selected to receive one of the scholarships I had applied for. Now, I only need 9 more in that amount and graduate school will be paid for....

- GH has decided to start a business building computers. He still doesn't have a real job, and school is looming closer.

- I have started walking after dinner with a good friend. We walk around the high school track and let our kids romp around in the grass in the middle. We're up to 2 miles a night. No progress on the waistline yet.

- I'm considering investing in Spanx, a new fancy line of body shapers that are supposed to be comfortable and fabulous all around. I'd like some feedback from anyone who's ever actually worn them before I spend $70 on a pair of underwear. Anyone?

- Most of our snow is finally gone, and I've renewed my vow to plant a veggie garden this year. So far, I've bought seeds and rakes. This year, it's going to happen. I'm just praying my skeezy neighbor won't steal my veggies.

- G continues to do well with the Melatonin. I still love Melatonin.

Melatonin, You're My Hero!

Wednesday night, we began G on Melatonin as his doctors' suggested for his sleep problems. Every night since has been a small miracle.

Two nights, G was asleep on his book before his reading time was over. Last night, after G bumped his head in bed, I laid down with him, and rubbed his back gently. Before I knew it, he was asleep, breathing deeply, his body still beneath my hand. I was completely stunned.

Even though there have still been meltdowns, G's overall attitude has improved. Last night when he was on the verge of a fit, he even removed himself to his room for a few minutes to shout it out, returning shortly. I've seen him sit quietly, relaxed, instead of spinning and hopping around like a mad man. He has shown me affection I haven't seen in ages, even making me a get well card for my head cold.

It's amazing what a few good nights rest can do. Now if I could only figure out how to get one myself.....

Haiku Friday- Friggin Snow

Woke up this morning
White crap falling from the sky
Spring snow is evil

Had to scrape my car
Thought that was over for now
Should have known better

New England weather
So tired of the snow fall
Beg for it to go

That's right, this morning I woke up to my car coated in snow, while more of it fell from the sky. It's still snowing as I sit here, and they're calling for several inches. Yesterday it was 50 degrees. Sometimes I really hate living in New England...

G Has Autism

Monday was the day of G's full evaluation, the one we've waited for over a year to receive. We spent the day answering questions, listening to G answer questions, watching G be examined physically, watching as G played and interacted with the doctors. I went through it all, my stomach in knot, wondering what each doctor was writing down, if G was doing things "right".

At the end of the day, we spoke with the doctor while G played computer games in the next room. The first thing that she told us, was that G was astoundingly smart. In fact, he has and IQ of 122 (confirming once and for all that my children are indeed smarter than me). With that said, she went on to explain that G did in fact have a mild case of Aspergers.

Even though we have known that for so long, finally hearing it out loud still hit me, making my brain freeze and stealing the air from my chest for a brief moment.

We were told to start G on Melatonin for his sleep problems, and to look into getting him OT through school, and exploring socialization groups. She advised us to stay calm in the midst of his fits, to help him with joint compressions, and to stop struggling so much over food. She told us to look into the Maine Autism Network, and wished us luck, assuring us that G was a wonderful and extremely bright boy.

And G is still G no matter what. His amazing teacher called me yesterday to let me know she was having G join a new math club at school, and he continued to be a "dear" in his classroom. Last night we struggled through yet another meltdown. Tonight, we will begin the Melatonin. Now that we k now for sure what's going on, we can work to help G the best we can. And maybe find a little help for ourselves along the way.

Haiku Friday- I Did It!!!!!

Letter now in hand.
I can't believe they want me.
My dream coming true.

I did it, got in!
Grad school is in my future.
August starts it all.

Worries, money fears.
I will hardly see the kids.
Hard work and papers.

Can GH do it?
Handle the bills and the kids?
Can this all happen?


That's right, it's happened. The college I've applied to has decided I'm good enough to enter their super selective graduate program to achieve teaching certification and my Master's degree in Education. In 9 short months, they will pack me full of courses, internship hours, and general teaching know-how. In 9 short months, I'll be ready to be a teacher.

The program starts in August and runs through May. I keep telling myself that we'll be able to to it, to sacrifice, and struggle to make this happen. I know I'm asking a LOT of my family. I will hardly see my kids as the days start early and go until around 7pm. Weekends will be full of papers, and research. GH will have to go out and get a real job, and handle the finances, the dinners, the appointments, etc. We will have no money, no time.

This means the next few months will be full of putting away every penny into savings. It will mean enjoying every relaxing moment we share together. It will mean shoring up our resources, preparing, and steeling ourselves for the months to come.

But in the end, I'll be able to become a teacher. I will achieve my dream, and have a real career. I'll be able to start thinking about finally buying a house, and working on other dreams. Sometimes, good things really do happen if you try hard enough, and dream long enough.....

Being Broke 101

In the many months that GH has been without a job, I've become a bone fide expert on being broke. Yes that's right, broke, not frugal, as frugal is a word for people who actually have money but are saving up for things like a house, a new car, or a fluffy new poodle. Frugal is a word for people who choose to cut back. Broke is a word for those of us who have seen our bank accounts dip below $10.

Now that we've cleared that up, I'm willing to share my broke living tips, free of charge, though frugal people are welcome to send donations- no poodles please.

Broke Ass Tips

1. Ramen Noodles are your friend. Now, I'm not suggesting you feed these to your kids, as their nutritional value is zero, but they are perfect for a cheap lunch for grown ups. After all, I think Ramen is Chinese for "Cheap Ass".You can take them to work. You can eat them at home. You can juggle them for cheap entertainment! Add a few leftover veggies or meats and it's like eating a real meal. If people look at you funny for eating this college dorm staple, just tell them it's a new fabulous diet.

2. Leftovers are also your friend. Never throw out a leftover. NEVER. This is an important commandment of being broke ass. Leftover roast and veggies can be sandwiches, or beef veggie soup. Those mashed potatoes? Tomorrow night's potato pancakes. And don't forget, all leftovers can be put in the freezer for later use. Think like a Native American- every part of the leftover is sacred and useful.

3. Go shopping armed with a list. The grocery list is your most powerful weapon. Use it wisely. Make a list of essentials only. If you can manage to plan ahead for your week's meals, you'll be doing even better. Stick to the list. Remember, Ben & Jerry's is not an essential.

4. Change is awesome. I've always kept an "oh crap" emergency money jar of all my loose change. This is for when I have no money for gas to get to work, or run out of milk before payday. I hide this jar from both GH and the children. However, I'm not above stealing GH's loose change and putting it in the jar if he's foolish enough to leave it laying around. Love this jar. Cherish this jar. Guard this jar with your life.

5. Don't be afraid to be cold. My thermostat has only gone above 66 degrees on a few special occasions this year. Keep your socks on, wear sweaters, and curl up with a blankie. Spring will be here soon. Cheap heating fuel will not.

6. Pipe cleaners- good cheap fun. "Look kids, its a bendy worm. Now it's a G! Here's a K! And er, another worm..."

7. Borrowing. Borrow movies from friends and neighbors. Borrow books from the library. Borrow inspiration and support from other bloggers- after all, you know you'll give it back in the end :)

Of course there's more, but time is money, and I'm off to knit pipe cleaners into the new wardrobe I can't afford.

Please feel free to share your best "Broke Ass" tips.

Things and Stuff

I've been a lousy blogger lately- sometimes life just gets in the way. This whole time change business has my internal workings all in a funk, and exhaustion has been killing me all week. It's amazing what a one hour shift can do.

On the bright side, I had an amazing meeting with a talented group of Maine crafters this past weekend. It was nice to chat with other crafty adults, and exchange adoration over our various items. Go crafts!

Even better however, was that this weekend I received a letter letting us know that our family is now covered by state health insurance, after applying for the second time. We're finally broke enough to qualify. Way to be poor! Money aside, at least now we can afford to get sick, which is great considering what a total klutz my K is.

And speaking of money, GH's amazing grandmother sent us a check, as she knows we're struggling right now. It's a real kick in the crotch to my pride, but a gift we can't turn down at the moment. After all, we have tons of fun things we need to buy, like socks for G, whose current socks are more hole than material. And who knows, maybe, if I'm real lucky, socks for me as well. Sheer luxury.

On a down note, I have a bad feeling I'm not going to be accepted into graduate school. I placed a call to the admissions office last week to ask when decision letters would be sent out. She asked my name, and after I gave it to her there was a pause- and then she let me know letters would be going out at the end of the month. I think if I had gotten in, she would have told me. Why else would she have asked for my name? Looks like I may be getting the fabulous reject form letter. I'm trying to prepare myself for the blow, the whole time praying out of the other side of my mouth that it isn't actually going to happen. All I can do is continue to wait, and deal with it when it comes, either way. Here's to hope!

Melt Down City

After enjoying a relatively lengthy period of no melt downs, G has decided to bring them back in full force. The past few days have been a careful dance of trying not to set him off, while still trying to enforce household rules.

The night before last, the house was ringing with the familiar shouts of "I hate this place!" "I hate everything!" etc. The walls shook as he kicked at his door and tossed toys on his floor. We gritted our teeth and waited for it to peak before trying to bring him down to get him in his bed.

As I held him and tried to ease his hitching sobs, he confided to me that he didn't want to be smart anymore. When I asked him why, he said he couldn't handle things being on his mind all the time, that his brain was too busy. I told him that is why he needs sleep, to give his brain time to rest, as I'm pretty sure he's back to not sleeping well again. My heart ached for him, as it always does.

Luckily, we managed to finally get insurance worked out for G, which means we'll finally be able to get his full evaluation done on March 24th. Until then, we go through the familiar dance, doing our best, and praying that answers, and maybe some help, is on the horizon.

Weekend in a Nutshell

Weekend Recap
- K lost her first tooth, which is a relief as her adult tooth is already coming in behind it.
- Used both the new deep fryer and waffle maker, my big tax refund splurges.
- Forced my family to accompany me to the beach, where we froze our butts off collecting winter sea glass.
- Actually made, and partially made, some new jewelry.
- Was accepted into the Boston South End Market to sell my crafts this summer.
- Sent out a scholarship application on the day it was due.
- Never got around to sewing the pants I was supposed to fix for clients at work.
- Ate fried chicken and collard greens.....mmmmmmm
- Joined Blissfully Domestic
- Didn't manage to get the nap I wanted, again.

They're Ba-ack... And Other Stuff

The kids have officially returned from their uber-vacation in Vermont. They were well spoiled, terribly indulged, over stimulated, and generally exhausted. G wept the entire ride home, wailing that he missed grandma, and his cousins, and begged to move back to Vermont. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make GH and I a little sad.

Fortunately, the kids seem to have slid seamlessly back into school. G has had a few mini-meltdowns, but so far, so good. They've both been on the over tired side, and have been back at their bickering, which my mother claimed they didn't do once in Vermont.

While the week away from the kids offered fun time and relaxation time, it also offered me a lot of personal reflection time. The conclusion was not good.

Like so many other moms I know, I've found my life sidetracked from one directed towards dreams and desires, to one focused on necessity. There are so many things I've wanted to do with my life and my career, but instead, I find myself working at I job that's difficult, pays little, and is outside my field of study. Every day I wonder why I spent 4 years putting myself through college, studying what I loved, just to end up working a job I'm not passionate about just to pay the bills.

In the past few months, I've been making efforts to go back to college to get my teaching certification, as I've blogged about. That's one dream I'm working on achieving, though I don't know if it will happen in the end.

Then, in the past week, another dream has resurfaced- one of opening my own store, selling my jewelry and other handmade items. I think I could do it, make it work. I have a good friend who's interested and would make a great partner. I went out and bought books on how to own a retail shop, write a business plan, etc. I know it's achievable. But will I ever take the leap? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the reality of bills and time constraints limit my possibilities. While I never resent being a mother, I know it's going to make a lot of things impossible, or at least put them on hold for a long time. And yet it eats at me, the thoughts that I should be doing something big, something I love, something I can be proud of. I should be more than an overweight mom, working 40 + hours a week at a job that is thankless and drains me to the core.

And so I keep on dreaming. Sometimes, it's all you can do.

Lazy Days

The kids have been gone since Sunday afternoon. The house is quiet, and feels darker and colder. No screaming and shouting, no lights left on all over the house, and no complaints about the heat being too low.

I have happily sprawled out all of my jewelry making supplies in the living room, secure in the knowladge that my beads won't get snatched by little fingers or other items lost under the couch. I've watched grown-up TV shows and crafted in peace.

GH and I have gone to lunch and eaten hot wings until we burst. We went out to dinner, and were seated like lightning at a table for two. We've eaten dinner late, and drank wine in the living room. We made spinich and didn't hear one cry of outrage.

These precious days seem to be flying by. There are a lot of things I want to tackle this week, and I hope to get them all done. It's a lot of living to cram into one tiny week.

And each night, I call the kids. They both sound so happy on the phone, but profess to miss me in sincere tones. I can hear their voices echoing in the empty house. Though I enjoy the time apart, I can't wait to see them again at the end of the week.

Haiku Friday

Graduate school looms,
Will they accept me? Who knows!
Forever waiting

Next week, no kids home
Vacation with grandparents
Realaxation time

Next week will be bliss
February Vacation!
Kids gone to Vermont

I will miss them, yes
But kids will be loved much more
After a week gone

We will eat seafood
Stinky cheese and good wine. Yeah!
Foods for only two

Oh yes, you heard right. My wonderful parents are taking the kids away to Vermont for an entire week for their February vacation. Come Sunday they'll be on their way to a week of skiing with their cousins and being spoiled rotten by Grandma and Pappa.

And GH and I? Oh, we'll be busy. Busy watching adult shows on the living room television. Busy eating delicious foods the kids won't touch. Busy working on crafts undisturbed. Busy cleaning the house only once- and enjoying it staying that way for an entire week. Busy listening to the sounds of a silent house, no bikering, no whining, no begging.

And yes, busy missing the kids. I'm sure a week apart will do us all good, and we'll all love each other all the more when the week is over. That's the theory anyways...

How G Is Different

*WARNING- This post contains vomit, barf and other bodily fluids. Continue at your own risk*

Yesterday, I spent my one, lovely day off curled up in bed with a nasty stomach bug. Cramps, nausea, and a case of the runs you read about in scientific journals, caused me to drift in and out of consciousnesss, and miss out on the house cleaning, craft making and general relaxing that I look forward to all week. Such is life.

This morning, I dragged myself out of bed after hitting snooze for the third time, and willed myself not to vomit as I lurched to the bathroom. And at the bathroom door...... a big pile of barf. I jerked my foot back from nearly landing in it, and fought with my gag reflex while shouting for GH to come out and help me. At first, I thought it was cat vomit. But after a moment, I realized it had to belong to one of the children.

As I grabbed paper towels and began mopping the floor, I realized the toilet was full of vomit too. How on earth could one of the kids puked so much and called for me or GH? I was worried. Should we go in and check on the kids?

Just as my paranoia began to kick into overdrive, G's door creaked open slowly, and his little head poked out.

Me: G, honey, did you get sick last night?

G: Yeah

Me: Why didn't you wake me up? I would have helped you.

G: I don't know. I just went back to bed.

Me: Are you o.k.? Do you still feel sick?

G: I'm fine. *pulls head back into his room*


And that's just it. Even at 7, G doesn't need me like other little kids need their mom. He doesn't sob and cling when he has a tummy ache. He doesn't call out for me in the middle of the night when he's been sick all over the floor. If it had been K, her pained shrieks would have alerted the entire house to her illness, and I would have spent the rest of the night stroking her head and singing her lullabyes. But not my boy. Not my G.

I have to admit, it hurts a bit, to feel so unneeded. To know that he was so sick and never once called out to me. To know that he didn't think to need me. And I hurt for him, to be be so sick and alone, without me, even if he didn't know he needed me. We only have so long to comfort and protect our little ones, that being shut out from even one vulnerable moment is hard to come to terms with. But that's just who G is. He doesn't seek the emotional comfort that other kids do, and I have to live with the fact that he just doesn't need me the same way K does. But how do I live with the fact that I still need him to need me?

In The Air

Yesterday was the big interview. I was so nerved up that I spent my morning researching teaching philosophies, and trying to prep answers for questions I didn't know.

When I went to iron my good button down "grown-up lady" short, my iron left behind a rusty stain. I sprayed with Shout, scrubbed with water, and swore like a sailor, but it was beyond a quick fix. Frantically, I tore through my closet, looking for anything semi-professional that still fit me. I put on a black shirt dress, which looked nice, but depressing- the last time I wore it was to my grandmother's funeral. I tore through the rest of my limited wardrobe, bemoaning the fact that I worked in a casual office where jeans and long-sleeved shirts were the norm.

Finally I settled on black slacks (a bit snug, but workable) and my fancy red sweater with the drapey cowl neck. Donning my newly made sea glass necklace and favorite pair of earrings, I applied a heavy layer of makeup to hide the stress blemishes, and prayed I wouldn't vomit on anybody.

I arrived early, due to my anxiety over getting lost, and waited on a bench next to another woman. After a brief chat, I discovered she was trying to go back to school after 10 years, and she was I-want-to-vomit nervous as well. She helped ease my fears about being the only mom trying to go back to school after years of being out of the formal education system. Unfortunately, she was dressed a lot nicer than me, and her skin was picture perfect. It made me kinda wanna push her down a flight of stairs, but instead I smiled and wished her luck.

Once I was in the interview room, seated across the table from the two uber-professional female professors, I think my IQ dropped by about 70 points. I think I answered the questions appropriately, but I could hear myself ramble and laugh nervously. It took a mighty effort to make eye contact as my eyes rolled heavenward, hoping some entity had placed brilliant, witty answers on the ceiling. I prayed I was making sense as the words rolled out of my mouth.

As the interview came to a close, I asked when I could expect to be notified if I'd been accepted or not. They weren't sure exactly when, and explained it was a fairly long process, and there was a whole second round of applications to consider. However, at the end, they made a remark that I should expect to be very busy at the beginning of August. The program begins in August. Was this a veiled hint that I could expect to be accepted? My brain was so addled that I tried not to make much of it.

On my way out, I asked the secretary if she could give me a clearer idea of when acceptance letters would go out. She said around the end of March. Plenty of time to worry, to try to recall my jumbled responses and kick myself in the shins repeatedly.