Ummm.....

So, we got a call home from school the other day, informing us that G had gotten into a fight with another boy on the playground. The worse part? G had kicked the other boy in the family jewels.

Now, being a female, I was a little shocked. I didn't think dudes ever kicked each other in the junk. I pretty much thought this was encoded into their DNA. Was this just another social cue that G had missed due to his Aspergers?

Baffled, I asked GH. "Isn't kicking another guy in the junk a violation of the man law or something? I thought guys just didn't do that. "

"Well, when you're half the guy's size, you use every advantage you can get." He said, shrugging.

"But we didn't even see the kid, how do you know G was half his size."

"Honey, G is half the size of all the kids."

True, I will give him that. So, is this size thing a man rule loophole? I have so much to learn about raising a boy......

Prozac Nation

Things have finally seemed to even out. Even though the weekend was a bit hectic die to work (I was carrying our on-call pager this week), I still managed to find time to bake cookies, let the kids frolic in a blizzard, and even watch "A Cinderella Story" with my daughter. I did my best to relax, to enjoy, and I think I did all right.

The journey towards happiness and mental stability is a long one, a hard one, and one that never ends for some people. I like to think that with the steps I've been taking lately, I'm bounding down that road, getting closer to feeling like a complete person. I have so many wonderful things in my life, that I just want to be able to enjoy them to my fullest.

For so long, I've struggled with depression. It's something I can admit now, out loud and unashamed, and it's o.k. I'm finally taking control. Counseling is going well, and this Monday my PCP prescribed antidepressants. They'll take about a month to be effective, but I'm eager for the change. I want to be a better person for my family and for myself. I have big dreams for us, and I can't let things stand in my way anymore. I'm on the road, and walking steadily ahead....

Hope

Yesterday I got W-2's for me and GH and I was super excited to get taxes filed so we could get our tax refund. After carefully plugging all of our info into H&R Block online, I was ecstatic to learn that we have enough to pay off all of our bad debt, and go out for a nice dinner with what's leftover. No fun toys or furniture this year, but this is going to get us into our own house so much faster.



I talked to another mortgage lender today, and she said once we pay that off, if we could get a secured credit card that would help our credit as well. She said that within a few months, we should be looking at buying a house!!!! Yeah!



And now that that seems to be in place, I get nervous. Every time something seems to good to be true, I often assume it is. So now I'm having paranoid delusions about our tax return not going through, that there will be some kind of problem. I try to keep the anxiety from taking over, but sometimes it's hard when you're counting on something so much.

So for now I'll wait it out for the next few days and try not to worry. It's freezing here, so I hope to do some baking this weekend and maybe watch a good movie with the kids. I'll do my best to drown my anxiety in cookie dough and board games, with smiles and family warmth.

Kicking Debt's Ass

Realizing that we aren't going to approved for a mortgage anytime soon has really been dragging me down. I keep picturing homes that are all ours- where we can paint, knock down walls, plant gardens, and have a bazillion dogs without ever having to ask permission. Sometimes I throw in a jewelry studio in a quaint little out building. Sometimes there's Alpacas, which I will groom and spin yarn from to feed my newest knitting obsession. Hey, fantasies don't have to be reasonable right? Especially when you're wallowing?


So, after shedding some tears, screaming in frustration, and being generally depressed, I'm finally ready to start kicking some ass. I'm finally ready to stop sniffling and start taking charge of things. If nothing else, I'm a planner, and I'll do my best to use all of my mega-planning skills to fix our credit and get us on track to getting us a mortgage.

Now, my bad credit debt isn't huge by any means. Actually, by all standards it's very manageable. Basically it's a accumulation of medical debts from when we were without insurance, and few random other crappies. So, in a move of completely faked bravery, I'm putting all of my debt out there for everyone to see, and tracking my progress paying it off through my blog. This will become a part of my motivation to keep things on track.

So, without further ado, here are my collection debts:

Mean Collector #1:
$453.78 - This is a phone bill that my ex left me with after calling me collect for about a month. The original bill was $605, but they agreed to settle with me for this amount with a payment of $75 per month. I think I can hack that.

Mean Collector #2:
$75- Medical
$107- Medical
$159- Medical

I asked if they could combine these into one account and accept payments. They said no. I asked if they would settle with me for less. They said no. Ass hats.

Mean Collector #3:
$427- Medical, for my daughter's lovely stitches she needed right after I moved to Maine and had no medical insurance. But I digress....
$105- Medical
$95- Medical
$95- Medical
$288- Medical
$137- Medical

These guys also refused to combine accounts and accept payments, or settle for a lesser amount. Gah.

So, the total amount of bad credit accounts I need to pay off is $1514.78. It's a big amount for me, but not too huge all things considered. I just have to take a big breath, bite the bullet, and start paying things off one by one. My goal is to pay off one bad debt per month minimum. This month won't happen, as we're still catching up from Christmas, but I'm ready to get it going in February.

In order to track my progress, I'm going to put a widget on my side bar to show what's been paid, and to beg for money :)

If anyone has any tips, or knows of any help available to pay off old medical bills, please share. In the meantime, I'm going to chisel away the best I can. Wish me luck!

The Progress

So far, the New Year's resolutions have already taken a hit. Yesterday, my mortgage application, the one that I was pretty much assured would go through, was denied. This was after we had found the house of dreams the day before. I'm seriously crushed. The mortgage man told me that a year ago, my application would have passed easily, but because of the current state of the market. My portfolio just wasn't strong enough. He gave me some tips on strengthening it, and told me we could revisit it again in six months. Crap.

Of course, right after I received this news, I had my first therapy session. There was a lot of crying involved. However, I really liked the woman I met with, and think this is going to be super helpful. Good times.

On the plus side, G has had a phenomenal week! He's avoided meltdowns and even cleaned his room without one complaint! It's like a belated Christmas miracle. Right now, I'll take what I can get, and that's a big gift indeed.

The Resolutions

Happy New Years!

In classic New Years fashion, I've made some major resolutions. Some of them are the same 'ol same 'ol, but some are big, and daunting....

1.) Buy a House- Huge! This is my biggest dream, and I'm determined to make it happen.I'm currently in talks with a mortgage loan officer, and there may be a chance that I could be approved for a mortgage soon. I'm trying not to get my hopes to high. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

2.) Clean Up My Credit- My credit stinks, but not to bad. It's mainly a collection of little boo-boos that need to be taken care of. This year I'm buckling down and getting my credit squeaky clean. This resolution goes hand-in-hand with getting a house. I have some blog related ideas for this one, so stay tuned....

3.) Put Decent Amount Into Savings- I'm tired of being SOL when minor emergencies erupt, like car repairs. This year, I WILL put money into the savings account, and refuse to touch it.

4.) Kick My Jewelry Making Into High Gear- This past year I've made some minor progress in getting my jewelry making business off the ground. 2009 will be a year to really focus on promoting, developing, and kicking ass with my jewelry, so maybe someday it can be more than a hobby and bring in some actual monies.

5.) Loose Weight- Yup, this one again. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. If it doesn't, I'm looking at a new wardrobe in the wrong direction. I can't go there....

6.) Be A Better Mom- I really have to work on this- on not letting the little things get to me, on enjoying my kids more, on taking the time to relax and just have fun with the family. I start counseling next week, and hopefully this will help me get to the happier place I need to be.

7.) Get Another Dog- Oh yeah, I went there. I informed GH that if we got our house, I'll be getting another dog. Yes, I'm that mental......


In order to make all of these huge goals become reality, I'm going to try to track them on my blog. I have a few ideas on creating some widgets that will help. Hopefully it will keep me on track.

Here's to a brighter and better 2009!!!!

It's Over!

That's right, it's over, it's finally over! Suck it Christmas!!!!!

All right, now that that's out of the way, I have to say, overall, the holidays weren't so bad. There were no major family blowups. The kids seemed happy with their gifts. Even though we're broke, we will still be able to pay the rent this week. Therefore, I consider the holidays a success. I'm still reeling a bit from all of the driving I had to do, but it's a small price to pay for a Christmas without having to disown any family members.

Another upshot of the holidays is that my parents agreed to keep the kids in Vermont for this week. It's the best Christmas gift of all. Yesterday GH and I lounged in bed late, and I even got breakfast in bed. In the afternoon we perused high end pet stores and played with puppies and looked at extravagant doggie furniture. Last night we ate a steak dinner in the living room in front of an R-rated movie. Insanity! Tonight after work I'll go home to a quiet house while GH is at work. I may take a nap or go see a movie with a friend. It's pure heaven.

So the next few evenings will be spent in pure adult bliss. Which basically equals more sleep. Pardon me while I drool over the thought of long nap......

All I Want For Christmas....

Dear Santa,

Since your magic and all, and always watching us and so on, I'm sure you've heard a lot of grumbling and definitely some non-Christmassy style swearing ringing through our house this holiday season. For that, I admit I have been naughty, but on the whole, I think I've been awfully good. I have not shipped either of my children, or my husband, to Aubu Dabi despite their repeated provocation. I have not robbed a bank, as was seriously considered to bankroll this year's Christmas gifts. In short, I've been a saint.

So this year, I'm totally making a request. And yes, unlike many of my fellow, selfless bloggers, my request is something totally material and selfish. Here goes Santa- I want an approval on my mortgage application.

Now, I know you have pull Santa. I'm sure with a few words from you, my friendly mortgage guy would call me right back with the happy news that we've been approved for a loan and can begin house shopping. I just know it.

This is my dearest dream Santa. Being able to give my family a home of our own for Christmas would be the greatest gift I could ever receive. So please Santa, give Key Bank a call and put in a good word for me. It won't take long, and the elves won't have to build a thing.

Thank you,

Little 'ol me

It's The Little Things

This morning, I woke up to having to shovel over a foot of snow out of my driveway. At the end part, where the plow comes, I finally had to call my husband out to finish I was beat!

After all of that, my office called to say we wouldn't be opening until noon. I gratefully crawled my aching behind back to bed to warm up a bit and give my back a chance to relax.

Soon I realized the sun was shining, and the roads were probably clear. Even though noon was a a while off, I could feel the pile of work on my desk calling me. I reluctantly grumbled that I should get to work.

And GH? He made me a breakfast sandwich. If I had laid in bed a few more minutes, it would have been breakfast in bed. I was so touched it was a little ridiculous.

Another Try

All right, here I go, trying to look on the bright side. Ready? O.k. *deep breath*

* I have managed to make back most of the blown tire money through my jewelry sales. Looks like there might be stocking stuffers after all.

* I think we've finally gotten the holiday visiting schedule nailed down.

* I do have two new winter tires, which will be great considering the two crazy snow storms they're predicting for this week.

* The kids, the dogs, and the cats are all healthy.

* When I got sick last night after getting home from work, K told me "It's all right Mama, you don't have to make us dinner if you don't feel good. We can just make sandwiches." Such a sweetie.

* I made myself an appointment with a therapist for myself. There, I said it. In my out load voice. To everyone. I need help. I'm only human.

*Soon the holidays will be over. And that's the happiest thought of all.....

I Give Up- Let The Negativity Flow!

I haven't been posting much lately. It's not for lack of material, it's just that I've found that every post I've started lately is chock-full of anger and frustration. And so I waited. I waited for something positive to happen, for a moment that would fill me with Christmas-y goodness. And that moment? Has totally failed to materialize.

This Christmas season has just not been one filled with joy so far. The family badness surrounding Thanksgiving have pretty much killed my Christmas spirit. After all, what's more soul crushing than trying to negotiate your family holiday visits based on which family members might be there?

We did put up the tree, which is lovely. Decorating the tree is always fun. I love unwrapping all of the handmade ornaments that the kids have made over the years, especially the ones that contain photos of them. I've been trying hard to hold on to that feeling.

This past weekend I did a craft fair to try to earn extra Christmas money. Not only did I make no money, but I ended up blowing a tire. Yesterday I used the rest of my carefully horded stocking stuffer money to buy not one, but two new tires for my car. I teared up, but forced myself not to cry in front of the mechanics, and most importantly, my kids.

And so yes, here's another whining, frustration filled post. I tried not too, I swear.

However, all of the badness and the financial stresses have really made me rethink Christmas. This year, I'm going to try to focus on the cookie making and the Christmas carols, and make "stuff" the least important part of this holiday. Because honestly? We have a lot. Sometimes I just have to remember that.....

Still Freakin

And so the pre-holiday insanity continues.....

While dining with GH's family this past weekend, my mother-in-law's husband had a major meltdown. Now, I've known for a long time that this man was unstable, but only recently has everyone else been able to see it. The last time we had dinner with him, he crossed the line with my son. This time, he unleashed on my 6-year-old daughter. I won't go into details, but it ended with us fleeing the house, myself and my children in tears, while pleading with GH not to pound the man in question into a pile of pulp. GH and I have now agreed that we won't go over there again, nor will this man ever be allowed in our home.

Now that we've officially had family badness on both sides, GH and I have decided that Christmas eve and Christmas day will be spent at home, with the kids. I'm nervous to break this new to my mother, but it's really what's best for our family.

Meanwhile, I've been fighting the crowds at the Mall, Toys 'R Us, and so forth to try to finish my Christmas shopping. So far both kids have piles of new clothes, and a few nice toys each. It's eating away at me that I didn't get many toy gifts for them this year, but I'm trying to deal. This year we just have to be more practical, and frankly, the kids need to learn to appreciate the things they do get.

Tonight I'll go out and get our tree. I feel like we're the last family on earth to put a tree, and I'm pretty embarrassed. But, what can you do? Tonight we'll decorate,and hopefully have a wonderful time trying to capture that oh so elusive Christmas spirit.

Surviving The Holidays

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving with my family. Barely. GH had to stay home to work and I braved the trip to VT with the kids and Loki by myself.

While it was great seeing all of my siblings together (we're terribly scattered throughout the country) there was also a lot of stress. Between my older brother having a huge fight with my mother, and then my mother having a huge fight with my father, there was my father's 50th birthday party crammed in there. I don't know if there are words to describe the drunken mayhem that was that event.

On the plus side, I did make my dad one of my best cakes ever for his birthday. It was a caricature of him sitting on top of the local ski mountain. The image was based on a painting my older brother did years ago, pictured here next to the cake:



I'm damn proud of it.

I made it home late yesterday afternoon, and then had to head out in a hail storm to get groceries for our empty cupboards. Good times.

And now comes Christmas. Right now we're debating where exactly we're going to be on those days, whether with GH's family, mine, or both. Gah. And don't even get me started on the gifts I still have to get for the kids. I can't wait until Christmas is over. Bah Humbug.

Gah

I've started several posts now and abandoned them. They all seemed too heavy, to sad for right now, a time of family and giving thanks. So, as a jump start to the Thanksgiving holiday, I'd like to share what I'm thankful for this year (yes, I know it's all very kindergarten, but please bear with my fried pre-holiday brain):

* GH found a job this year and seems much happier for it. Oh, and we can now afford both groceries and heat. Yeah us!

* The fact that I still have a job. With budget cuts killing our agency, I'm thankful every day I'm still employed.

* My two happy, healthy children of course. Even though they make me bonkers most days, I just couldn't wade through my life without them.

*GH. It's hard to find anyone who would put up with my bitchiness, neurosis, and all out crazy every single day. He puts up with it and still loves me at the end of the day.

*My doggies. They are so sweet and wonderful, and have brought a heap of joy into our lives.

*The fact that one of the doggies is getting neutered today. I'm very thankful it will never hump my elbow ever again.

*The fact that I have a home, a running car, and a family that loves me (most days) to go home to every day.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

Sill Kickin'

Well, I'm still alive, and finally on the upswing from being so ill. Since my last post, I was diagnosed with bronchitis, pink eye, and a fun throat infection. I took some antibiotics and had an inhaler, but was still feeling lousy. Finally, yesterday, at my boss's pleading insistence, I went and saw my primary care doctor. He gave me some magical steroids which have reduced the swelling in my throat and my lungs, leaving me feeling halfway normal today. He also gave me drops for my eye so I wouldn't be half blind from conjunctivitis. So yeah, fun times all around.

Thanks to some massive state budget cuts, the agency that I work for, and every other one in the state, is being hit hard. We're scrambling to cut money everywhere, but people are petrified that job cuts are only a matter of time. So, true to form, I'm freaking out the hardest. My mind has been whirling, trying to formulate contingency plans just in case I end up losing my job in the months to come. We HAVE to work harder on putting money into savings, just in case. We HAVE to cut back on our bills, even though I can't imagine where else we can cut costs. We HAVE to prepare for the worst, just in case. Oh god, can someone get me a paper bag while I hyperventilate? Please!!????

Moving right along out of Panic-Land, I am doing better with my jewelry sales now that the holidays are approaching, and I'm praying it gives us a little extra money for Christmas. I'm actually doing really well with most of my gifts, and I think the kids are the only ones left to buy for. Of course though, they're the most expensive ones. I'm already bargain shopping and comparing prices, prepping for those pre-Christmas sales. Go sales go!

So, I'm going to do my best to save my pennies and make the best of the holidays. It's all you can do when your family is depending on you. So here's to bucking up and making the best of it.....

Total Insanity

The past few days have been jam packed with a whole lot of crazy. And I mean A LOT!

On Saturday, GH and I went to a concert with a friend of mine from work. It was a lot of fun, but ended up being an incredibly late night. We got back around 1 am and I thought I was going to die. I'm just not cut out for late night concerts any more.

The next morning I woke up at 4:30 am to help my neighbor, and good friend, drive to upstate New York in order to pick up a Dalmatian puppy. Now please understand, my friend is OBSESSED with Dalmatians. She's owned two in the past, and has a Dalmatian tattoo on the small of her back. So, because of her craziness, I agreed to help her drive the 17 hours total to get this puppy, which was the closest one she could find. After the drive, on 4.5 hours of sleep, I was ready to die. I made GH promise to never let me do anything nice for anyone ever again.

Monday was G's first counseling session. We didn't get to talk a whole lot due to the kids running around and being mental, but I think the councilor is a good fit. We have our next appointment on Tuesday, and I'm really hoping this is going to help.

Thanks to the exhaustion of the weekend, my ongoing illness has flared up once again, and I'm thinking I may have a respiratory infection now. Good times. Since yesterday was a holiday, I thought I'd catch up on some rest. Yeah right. Yesterday we super cleaned the house, and I did some baking. Way to take it easy me!

Jewelry orders are picking up for the season. I was all excited until I went downstairs last night to do some work and found out my torch is on the fritz.Great timing as I have a rush order for wedding jewelry. Frick.

I'm also in talks with the chihuahua breeder we got our puppies from to help them promote their business. I'm really excited about it, as I think these are great people, and I'd love to help them out.

Think I'm taking a trip to the walk-in clinic on the way home. I'm a bit concerned I may have pneumonia. wish me luck!

Still Catching Up- Photo Version

And here are the photos I kinda promised to go along with the last post.

First off, Halloween-



K is the totally sassy Princess Leia, our neighbor J is the ninja in the middle, and G's on the end rocking the Darth Vader gear.





And now, here is our new dog, Aries next to a hyper G:



And here's Aries and Loki together:



Aren't they ridiculously cute?



And that is my bloggy good deed for today....

Catching Up- Again!

Seems I'm always playing catch up around here. Despite my best intentions, the blog is always the first thing to suffer when things get crazy. And trust me, it's been crazy. However, I've vowed to get everything back on track, including my blogginess.
So, here's a brief life synopsis:

Brain Train
We got the results of G's EEG and his brain appears to be showing no signs of seizure activity. They did say that the test is only 80-90% accurate though, so if we see any other episodes that concern us to let them know. For now, they suggested counseling for G's outbursts. After many phone calls, I managed to find an excellent counselor, someone a co-worker knows well, who will see G starting next Monday. We are all very hopeful that she can help G, and us, learn some new methods to help manage his anger issues and emotional outbursts.

Halloween
This year, K decided to be Princess Leia, which prompted G to be Darth Vader. The costumes were great, and largely done with things we already had around the house, which was doubly awesome. Someday my sorry behind may even post some belated pictures. Once again we did a Halloween hell walk with out neighbor and his son. Luckily, the weather was astonishingly beautiful, which made the three hour, multiple neighborhood trek, much more bearable. We now have four bulging sacks of candy sitting on top of our refrigerator once again. Good times.

Doggies
That's right, doggies. As in plural. As in two. We now have two lovely long haired chihuahuas. Aries, Loki's litter brother, joined our family about two weeks ago. We all LOVE it. They've been an amazing addition to the family. I'm even thinking of starting a chihuahua blog.You know, with all my spare time.....

Christmas
Is getting close and totally freaking me out. I think I'm doing well with all of the handmade gifts I'm doing for most of my family, but I definitely need to get my rear in gear on the kid's gifts. I have a lot of big ideas, and small amounts of money. I'm working on that. For now though, I"m buying things bit by bit, and planning for some upcoming craft shows, and praying they bring in a little extra money in time for the holidays.

Elections
I just have to say "WOW"! I can't believe I'm lucky enough to live in a time when such amazing changes can take place, and such historic events can happen. This is huge, and our country will never be the same. Here's to changes for the better all around.

Yes, I Am a 12-Year-Old Boy

The other night we had parent teacher conferences at our kid's school. Thanks to the considerate teachers there, we were able to have G and K's conferences one right after another, saving us some very spirited whining and us desperate to kill time in between, as we had both kids with us.

K's conference was uneventful. The teacher remarked that she was doing well, and we checked to be sure she wasn't having any issues with her attitude. Beyond that, her teacher had remarkably little to say about our spirited girl. It was a little bit of a disappointment.

At G's conference, we were greeted by a woman who looked like she should have been our babysitter, not a teacher. She must be fresh out of college, and not at all what GH and I expected. She was very nice, and very enthusiastic about G and the work that he's been doing with a Gifted and Talented teacher. I talked to her a bit about G's Asperger's, a bit concerned that she she probably had no experience dealing with any kids with G's particular quirks.

As we chatted, G presented me with a story he had just written about getting out chihuahua. I perused the pages as I listened to his teacher. Suddenly,there in front of me, was the sentence "He has four balls." I lost it. I laughed so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. I explained my outburst to teacher and GH and they laughed as well. But they stopped. And I kept going.

I tried my best to pull it together for the remainder of the conference. I did giggle randomly one more time as "four balls" popped into my head. I hope she doesn't think I was high. I immediately felt bad for judging G's teacher's maturity level.

Accentuate the Positive

After my spew into angry-mom territory, I've been trying to pull back and refocus on the good things. Luckily, this weekend was jam-packed with highlights.

- A puppy play date over at our chihuahua breeder's home, where our little darling got to romp with his chihuahua family. It was so much fun to watch the puppies play and enjoy one of the last beautiful fall days outside, having fun as a family.

- Having a lovely lunch out at a local park, once again, soaking up the last of the fall sunshine.

- Getting to treated to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants by my mother-in-law. It was even better due to the fact that there was no father-in-law there.

- Running errands and finding some great deals on things I was looking for. This also included making a pants exchange at Old Navy that I never though they'd do since I had washed the pants. But they did. Yeah me!

- Canning the last of the apples from apple picking before they went bad.

- Watching one of the kid's last soccer games. It was special due to the fact that they did it in the evening at the high school field under the lights. There was even an announcer. Even though we froze our butts off, it was a lot of fun.

- Turning on the heat for the first time. Even though I vowed not to turn it on before November, and it made me cringe at the money puring out of the radiators, it sure felt nice to be warm after sitting outside and freezing for two hours!

- And last, but not least by far, we had an entire weekend without one meltdown from G! Boy did my mental health need that. It really gave me the chance to regroup, and I'm confident that I'm ready to tackle the next fit with love and patience that I know I'm capable of....